My son was easily set off from the beginning. We always joked that he had a short fuse. My mother in law said my husband had one when he was little. It's really all we've known. There is this constant egg shell thing. What's going to set him off. Do I avoid it to spare us all, or do we just do "normal" things like every other family and just let him deal with it? Still asking those questions.
I'm on anxiety meds myself just from the constant turmoil that goes on with his emotions. It's obvious. I know in my heart of hearts that he will end up on mood stablizers. I know it. It makes sense and he needs it. We need it as a family. I don't like it. I hope it isn't forever, but if it is... then it is.
It reminds me of those medical cases where in they have to not finish a surgery and let it rest, let the patient improve, become stronger, before they can go back in and finish the work. This is where we are. And it's ok. You see self improvement, social skills, life coping skills, self control, emotional stability, these are all so much more important to over all health and adulthood that it must come first right now. It must.
I'm not 100% certain that we aren't also dealing with medication upset with the anger. I'm not 100% sure it doesn't have to do with all the therapies and work we are doing weekly. Y'all, if you've never been through therapy personally, then you wouldn't know. It wears you out. There are periods where you are confused and you don't know if you are getting better or worse. There is anger. There is sadness. There is release and there is pressure that builds again from all the new emotions being explored. It's exhausting. Truly.
My son is there. This morning it's 10:40 am and we have yet to even begin school. Oh we will get it done if we have to school tomorrow. They're called consequences. But we are practicing that. The behavior/consequence pattern. I remember it from pre-school... the 3rd time. I almost pulled him out that time too, but I have an amazing sister who said, leave him and let him figure it out. I'm glad I did too, because that teacher is still one of my best friends! But that's another story. He would act out in class and be sent to the corner. And sent to the corner and he would not follow directions in the corner so he would stand there for ages until I was called. Me and his very baby sister would come up there and his eldest sister who was homeschooling at the time would come up there, and we would sit. And he would practice standing with his nose in the corner. If he broke silence or acted out, we would start his 5 minutes again! We would do it till he got it. Y'all I have pulled over on the side of the road and had a time out!
These times, they wax and wane. I'm not sure if it's just the nature of it or if I get lax from exhaustion, or what. But there are times when we have to be all over him and we all hate it. I assure you. We ALL hate the punishment. Right now he is acting out in anger. Threatening. making ugly faces, saying ugly words, kicking things. This is unacceptable neurology or otherwise. He will not have success in the real world if he is allowed to behave in this manner. Thus consequences every single time. Every. Single. Time. Yes this is tiring like every thing else. But it is necessary. And ideally it puts us closer to our goal! Him moving out and being a productive member of society! No really. I have to constantly remember.
Right now his consequences have to do with him bringing me boxes from his room. Remember, we are in this Obsessive time with making arcades and what not out of boxes and the collection of boxes and scraps is taking over. Well he is hating this. Hating it. But it is necessary on so many sides. Necessary. So I'm dealing today with the backlash and the anxiety that comes with it. I'm the mean one. Kill joy. Whatever. No, babe. I'm the mom. I'm not your friend, but I love you more than any of your friends ever will. So much in fact that I am willing to take the ugly stuff you throw when you are angry and don't feel like putting your tools into practice yet (you will get it...it will come with maturity and practice), and I will press on with what you need and not just what you want. Because it makes you better. Like relocating a joint that has become dislocated. It will hurt on it's way back in, but it will get you to a better place. The place where you were meant to be to operate at your best!
Friday, January 13, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Why
I was asked today by another mom in a waiting room, why do you come all the way here (We make a 2.5 hour drive each way weekly for my son's therapies)? The woman was making a point, and if I sit with it long enough, I might feel turned off by her tone or delivery, but what I'm choosing to hear is, "Wow! You are a serious mom. Nothing will hold you back from doing what it takes!" See what I did there?! Ha! Y'all, this time we live in is all about being offended. And I see it. My hair raises and my feathers ruffle. But I get to choose. And I choose to take her thoughts (that she may have spoken without forethought) and hear the rest.
The woman that was speaking had a child with a service dog for anxiety. I definitely thought about the time and energy and planning and serious money that must have gone into that. She spoke of her other children and their pseudo homeschool arrangement and ALL the sports! And I thought more about what it must take to do her life!
We are crazy amazing! Seriously!
We do it because we were blessed with these unique kids. These kids that have a special or specific calling and they have to go through the challenges to prepare for their futures. And at least with my child, I see that he WILL change the world around him. He does it now without realizing. He struggles, but he manages. Sometimes not very well, but that's where we come in. And regardless of whether we think we have anything left to give... we find it. We dig deep and we find it.
Yeah. I've been on the edge of broken before, and I feel certain I'll be there again. Certain. But everytime I get there, this thing happens. I find that I went further than the time before and I still didn't break. Now I'm not saying that we should keep testing that!!! LOL! No. Seriously. It's VERY uncomfortable for me to go there and it affects my whole family. So, we put things in place to try to reroute that part of our journey, but we also prepare ourselves for the reality that we will get there again and we will have to deal.
Today I deal. It's therapy day. 3 appts today. Little man has gained a decent amount of weight for a short time. He was royally thin anyway, so I'm not seeing it as a big deal...yet. But again, eyes wide open... and side effects. sigh. I really wish they were avoidable (and I hope this symptom is not my own side effect as I start my journey on SSRI's). Ugh. Nothing says self confidence to a middle aged woman like gaining unnecessary weight! But today I deal.
I wake up at 5:30am. I make sure every lunch is packed and bags are ready for school. Clothes are laid out for when they wake. I get myself put together, grab all our bags and wake my son. Nope. The sun hasn't risen yet, but we have to head out across state lines for therapy appts today. People are all lined up to pick kids up and take them various places, cause I won't get back till they are all finished with their respective schools. We brave traffic that is far worse than usual. We are late, but our awesome Psychiatrist is always so kind to work with us! We are then late to OT which is across town. I try not to think about or be disappointed by the fact that we have to up the meds that royally sedated sweet boy last time. It's not like I thought it was working out at that dose... sigh. Hate the meds game, but y'all already know that.
"The stars aligned" as the OT put it (you know what I think ;-) I don't think much of coincidence). She was late and so were we and there was still enough break to not be late to Psychotherapy! We even had fun tossing tennis balls for awhile. We noted scientific observations about them and how the elements effect their bouncing abilities and their weight among other things. Son's session was his best yet supposedly. Seems as though he's willing to be more honest and open. Y'all he's really struggling. Really. Like room starting to look a bit like a hoarder episode with cardboard boxes and tape and scissors everywhere. I love creativity... It's hard for me to discourage his activity with a mind at work like that, but it's not a healthy mind working it's a mind on speed and it's actually harming him. Sigh again.
And this is the subject of the current battle. Me having to be the voice of reason as he makes decisions that are good for him. Yes, he get's mad when I won't let him make any more gaming machines. Yes he's angry when he can't take boxes out of the trash and bring them home (to make more gaming devices)! He's not kind. His self control could be worse, but it could be better! So we get the privilege of disciplining every disrespectful outburst however large or small to catch it quick and early and shut that behavior down. Why do I fight these battles? Love. He doesn't understand it that way... but Love none the less. It is my why.
The woman that was speaking had a child with a service dog for anxiety. I definitely thought about the time and energy and planning and serious money that must have gone into that. She spoke of her other children and their pseudo homeschool arrangement and ALL the sports! And I thought more about what it must take to do her life!
We are crazy amazing! Seriously!
We do it because we were blessed with these unique kids. These kids that have a special or specific calling and they have to go through the challenges to prepare for their futures. And at least with my child, I see that he WILL change the world around him. He does it now without realizing. He struggles, but he manages. Sometimes not very well, but that's where we come in. And regardless of whether we think we have anything left to give... we find it. We dig deep and we find it.
Yeah. I've been on the edge of broken before, and I feel certain I'll be there again. Certain. But everytime I get there, this thing happens. I find that I went further than the time before and I still didn't break. Now I'm not saying that we should keep testing that!!! LOL! No. Seriously. It's VERY uncomfortable for me to go there and it affects my whole family. So, we put things in place to try to reroute that part of our journey, but we also prepare ourselves for the reality that we will get there again and we will have to deal.
Today I deal. It's therapy day. 3 appts today. Little man has gained a decent amount of weight for a short time. He was royally thin anyway, so I'm not seeing it as a big deal...yet. But again, eyes wide open... and side effects. sigh. I really wish they were avoidable (and I hope this symptom is not my own side effect as I start my journey on SSRI's). Ugh. Nothing says self confidence to a middle aged woman like gaining unnecessary weight! But today I deal.
I wake up at 5:30am. I make sure every lunch is packed and bags are ready for school. Clothes are laid out for when they wake. I get myself put together, grab all our bags and wake my son. Nope. The sun hasn't risen yet, but we have to head out across state lines for therapy appts today. People are all lined up to pick kids up and take them various places, cause I won't get back till they are all finished with their respective schools. We brave traffic that is far worse than usual. We are late, but our awesome Psychiatrist is always so kind to work with us! We are then late to OT which is across town. I try not to think about or be disappointed by the fact that we have to up the meds that royally sedated sweet boy last time. It's not like I thought it was working out at that dose... sigh. Hate the meds game, but y'all already know that.
"The stars aligned" as the OT put it (you know what I think ;-) I don't think much of coincidence). She was late and so were we and there was still enough break to not be late to Psychotherapy! We even had fun tossing tennis balls for awhile. We noted scientific observations about them and how the elements effect their bouncing abilities and their weight among other things. Son's session was his best yet supposedly. Seems as though he's willing to be more honest and open. Y'all he's really struggling. Really. Like room starting to look a bit like a hoarder episode with cardboard boxes and tape and scissors everywhere. I love creativity... It's hard for me to discourage his activity with a mind at work like that, but it's not a healthy mind working it's a mind on speed and it's actually harming him. Sigh again.
And this is the subject of the current battle. Me having to be the voice of reason as he makes decisions that are good for him. Yes, he get's mad when I won't let him make any more gaming machines. Yes he's angry when he can't take boxes out of the trash and bring them home (to make more gaming devices)! He's not kind. His self control could be worse, but it could be better! So we get the privilege of disciplining every disrespectful outburst however large or small to catch it quick and early and shut that behavior down. Why do I fight these battles? Love. He doesn't understand it that way... but Love none the less. It is my why.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Mental Rest
I took the weekend off. Well... sort of. I'm a jeweler with Premier Designs. They provide numerous opportunities for training and relationship building with our "family" or team. They get to be counted as work, but they look a whole lot like fun to this mama! Me and another team member who also happens to be one of my favorites, scooted off to Atlanta for our Regional Rally!
I was anxious about the weather, but I wasn't. If that makes any sense at all!! You see my head and my spirit argue alot. My head said to be nervous, so I listened enough to pack blankets and extra coats, water, flash light, self defense tools, snack, and so forth. Got extra gas and cash and then set out on our way. BUT my spirit was in total faith convinced that the getting there would be a non-issue. And it was!
I braved the struggle of leaving my kids with a sitter for a rather extended period of 5 hours on top of having the renovation team working!! Everyone lived... in fact, I think they may have had a good time from the pics I saw! My mother's helper is fantastic. She, too, possesses a great deal of intuition and wisdom! I love that about her.
So, I did not rest technically. In fact, I haven't rested much at all...yet. But that IS typically how these things go! I thoroughly enjoyed the learning, the growth, the challenges, the new jewelry, some new organization, AND the recognition. You see, Premier is something that I can do well and track progress and success, It makes me feel like me again! On top of that perk, I get to leave and block out my mom life mental angst and literally NOT think about it for the time that I am working! Y'all I haven't thought about any of it for over 24 hours now!
We danced. We had serious deep conversations. We watched God work in those around us, which looks alot like insane coincidence, but it is more like sovereignty. We laughed! We high fived! We took pics, clapped ridiculously loud clappers, blew party horns... we learned. We were challenged. It was lovely. We made time to fix ourselves up! We showered without interruption! We stayed up and went to bed as we wanted and we ate junk (which will likely be the main thing I regret)! We lived. Calmly.
I need to say that thanks to Premier, I make time for myself. Well, sort of. It feeds me. It's not a cruise, but it's a great mental reset! At this point I'll take it!! I may not have rested officially, but I can certainly call it the mental break that I needed. In fact, I'm not actually looking forward to going back yet!! I know I know. And trust me, I love and adore my family. I'm just not ready. I MOSTLY am not ready to deal with more renovations, but this too shall pass. AND woh, I'm not looking forward to the early school mornings again. But I will love getting Wyatt's schooling going again!
Take the mental rest or the physical rest or both when you can!! I'm off to try for some z's myself since I will be driving home tomorrow! Peace be with you all.
I was anxious about the weather, but I wasn't. If that makes any sense at all!! You see my head and my spirit argue alot. My head said to be nervous, so I listened enough to pack blankets and extra coats, water, flash light, self defense tools, snack, and so forth. Got extra gas and cash and then set out on our way. BUT my spirit was in total faith convinced that the getting there would be a non-issue. And it was!
I braved the struggle of leaving my kids with a sitter for a rather extended period of 5 hours on top of having the renovation team working!! Everyone lived... in fact, I think they may have had a good time from the pics I saw! My mother's helper is fantastic. She, too, possesses a great deal of intuition and wisdom! I love that about her.
So, I did not rest technically. In fact, I haven't rested much at all...yet. But that IS typically how these things go! I thoroughly enjoyed the learning, the growth, the challenges, the new jewelry, some new organization, AND the recognition. You see, Premier is something that I can do well and track progress and success, It makes me feel like me again! On top of that perk, I get to leave and block out my mom life mental angst and literally NOT think about it for the time that I am working! Y'all I haven't thought about any of it for over 24 hours now!
We danced. We had serious deep conversations. We watched God work in those around us, which looks alot like insane coincidence, but it is more like sovereignty. We laughed! We high fived! We took pics, clapped ridiculously loud clappers, blew party horns... we learned. We were challenged. It was lovely. We made time to fix ourselves up! We showered without interruption! We stayed up and went to bed as we wanted and we ate junk (which will likely be the main thing I regret)! We lived. Calmly.
I need to say that thanks to Premier, I make time for myself. Well, sort of. It feeds me. It's not a cruise, but it's a great mental reset! At this point I'll take it!! I may not have rested officially, but I can certainly call it the mental break that I needed. In fact, I'm not actually looking forward to going back yet!! I know I know. And trust me, I love and adore my family. I'm just not ready. I MOSTLY am not ready to deal with more renovations, but this too shall pass. AND woh, I'm not looking forward to the early school mornings again. But I will love getting Wyatt's schooling going again!
Take the mental rest or the physical rest or both when you can!! I'm off to try for some z's myself since I will be driving home tomorrow! Peace be with you all.
Friday, January 6, 2017
The Not Knowing
My precious tiny human has issues. I've lived with him for 8.5 years and I barely know what's coming next. That feels weird. I'm starting to see that this is a great deal of the anxiety that plagues me. The not knowing what to expect next. This is the reality of a mood disorder... at least I think.
Yesterday was rough. It was up and down and half way up and down, and down, and down. And then my husband gets home and my son says that he's had the best day ever when all he has said most of the day was how horrible his life is and how mean I am. Good times. I managed it successfully...barely. He was ugly to me on several occasions. Let me clarify by saying that he doesn't lash out physically at me, but he definitely wants to. Words are his weapon. He's always had a good command of language. I'm trying to train him to go to his sensory space when he feels it coming, but so far even the suggestion of it makes him angrier and he digs his heals in even further. Y'all he wants to be near me but doesn't want to be near me! Bless it.
Last night he whined and complained over taking his pill and said (not calmly) that it doesn't even help. The truth is... it did seem to right at first. But I see what he's saying. He is still grossly struggling with obsessive thoughts...intense, frustrating obsession. It's not scary, in fact it would be delightful and fun if it were calm and relaxed. He is currently tunnel visioning making his own arcade out of cardboard boxes and having people come play. Doesn't that sound amazing?! Except it's not. This is the kid version of the Hollywood pieces you see where someone has gone off the deep end mentally and they don't hardly sleep or eat and they certainly don't have hygiene. That's what the flash forward looks like in my head.
You can imagine the mombie thing that occurs after he is finally quiet for the night... and did I mention he is 1 of 4. Yes, there are more of them. The sisters, the ones on either side of him age wise, are not like him. The Lord knew what I could handle lol!! They have their things definitely but the mood instability and constant dissatisfaction aren't one of them! There is the baby of the family. She seems to be VERY similar in spirit and behavior to her brother, and YES, that scares me. People try to wave it off like "oh she's just 3. Oh She's the baby." Ummm. I have 4. I've seen 3 in several different kinds of kids. Shoot, I worked in childcare over the summer. This may be a different bird. Only time will tell, but thank goodness we are learning NOW! Accidental early intervention! Ha!
So the real problem for the boy is that when we have to do other things...life things. Routine same thing we do every other day things, they get in the way of his goal. Can I just say that it thrills my mom heart that he can initiate, create, solve problems, stay on task, and press on to the very end of a goal!!! But the intensity and anger that comes are like detestable guests that seem to come along with all of that.
The hour of his waking and the loudness of his decent from his bunk bed used to be a pretty decent sign of the type of day he was going to have. We haven't seen as much of this since trying different meds, but this morning, at 5:10 I heard footsteps and singing, and when I went to check, 3 bright lights were all on... cue chest tightening anxiety. This mom had to remind herself that though this may be a clue to his day it does not HAVE to be an indication of it. This is going to be a reminder that I repeat in my head all day likely...
Sensory sidenote (this should probably be another post entirely): I saw some things yesterday that were like aha moments for me. The sensory input... the place where we HAVE to begin in order for him to thrive, it absolutely affects his ability to function in a healthy way! Its incorrect processing leaves him in a state of defensiveness... always on guard, never at rest. Anxious. BUT he hates to stop and address his sensory needs...in the moment that is. It always helps him, but he whines and complains (sometimes I think just to whine and complain). AND.... as much as I'm still trying to get used to the brushing, I can't find that darn thing! And it's been 2 days. I have of course ordered another, cause having 2 is ideal, but we have been trying to do at least deep touch massage or something for that input. --Did I mention that I struggle with executive functioning and memory issues as well?! Losing things is not that uncommon and though I DID designate a place for the brush in Son's sensory basket, it apparently did not get put back there, or he hid it which I don't think he did, but I wouldn't put it past him.--
On a final note, the importance of the sensory work helps me to see that more outdoor play will have to be in our future (pfft... gonna have to look a little further ahead as it is winter advisory in the forecast this weekend), but I have an amazing group of friends that we have dubbed The FRamily. They are our local hug. And we are their's I suppose. And when this renovation is done in a few weeks, I have plans to host them here, to feed them and love on them, and get their assistance piecing together an obstacle course zone in our back yard. Still thinking on it, but movable pieces would be great, especially if they are just heavy enough. He needs that heavy lifting, pulling, pushing. And boy does he need to work on his endurance and stamina. It will be amazing. I see only one draw back...he will want a friend. My super social boy rarely plays well alone.
Here's to a more even tempered day my friends, and a weekend to look forward to!
Yesterday was rough. It was up and down and half way up and down, and down, and down. And then my husband gets home and my son says that he's had the best day ever when all he has said most of the day was how horrible his life is and how mean I am. Good times. I managed it successfully...barely. He was ugly to me on several occasions. Let me clarify by saying that he doesn't lash out physically at me, but he definitely wants to. Words are his weapon. He's always had a good command of language. I'm trying to train him to go to his sensory space when he feels it coming, but so far even the suggestion of it makes him angrier and he digs his heals in even further. Y'all he wants to be near me but doesn't want to be near me! Bless it.
Last night he whined and complained over taking his pill and said (not calmly) that it doesn't even help. The truth is... it did seem to right at first. But I see what he's saying. He is still grossly struggling with obsessive thoughts...intense, frustrating obsession. It's not scary, in fact it would be delightful and fun if it were calm and relaxed. He is currently tunnel visioning making his own arcade out of cardboard boxes and having people come play. Doesn't that sound amazing?! Except it's not. This is the kid version of the Hollywood pieces you see where someone has gone off the deep end mentally and they don't hardly sleep or eat and they certainly don't have hygiene. That's what the flash forward looks like in my head.
You can imagine the mombie thing that occurs after he is finally quiet for the night... and did I mention he is 1 of 4. Yes, there are more of them. The sisters, the ones on either side of him age wise, are not like him. The Lord knew what I could handle lol!! They have their things definitely but the mood instability and constant dissatisfaction aren't one of them! There is the baby of the family. She seems to be VERY similar in spirit and behavior to her brother, and YES, that scares me. People try to wave it off like "oh she's just 3. Oh She's the baby." Ummm. I have 4. I've seen 3 in several different kinds of kids. Shoot, I worked in childcare over the summer. This may be a different bird. Only time will tell, but thank goodness we are learning NOW! Accidental early intervention! Ha!
So the real problem for the boy is that when we have to do other things...life things. Routine same thing we do every other day things, they get in the way of his goal. Can I just say that it thrills my mom heart that he can initiate, create, solve problems, stay on task, and press on to the very end of a goal!!! But the intensity and anger that comes are like detestable guests that seem to come along with all of that.
The hour of his waking and the loudness of his decent from his bunk bed used to be a pretty decent sign of the type of day he was going to have. We haven't seen as much of this since trying different meds, but this morning, at 5:10 I heard footsteps and singing, and when I went to check, 3 bright lights were all on... cue chest tightening anxiety. This mom had to remind herself that though this may be a clue to his day it does not HAVE to be an indication of it. This is going to be a reminder that I repeat in my head all day likely...
Sensory sidenote (this should probably be another post entirely): I saw some things yesterday that were like aha moments for me. The sensory input... the place where we HAVE to begin in order for him to thrive, it absolutely affects his ability to function in a healthy way! Its incorrect processing leaves him in a state of defensiveness... always on guard, never at rest. Anxious. BUT he hates to stop and address his sensory needs...in the moment that is. It always helps him, but he whines and complains (sometimes I think just to whine and complain). AND.... as much as I'm still trying to get used to the brushing, I can't find that darn thing! And it's been 2 days. I have of course ordered another, cause having 2 is ideal, but we have been trying to do at least deep touch massage or something for that input. --Did I mention that I struggle with executive functioning and memory issues as well?! Losing things is not that uncommon and though I DID designate a place for the brush in Son's sensory basket, it apparently did not get put back there, or he hid it which I don't think he did, but I wouldn't put it past him.--
On a final note, the importance of the sensory work helps me to see that more outdoor play will have to be in our future (pfft... gonna have to look a little further ahead as it is winter advisory in the forecast this weekend), but I have an amazing group of friends that we have dubbed The FRamily. They are our local hug. And we are their's I suppose. And when this renovation is done in a few weeks, I have plans to host them here, to feed them and love on them, and get their assistance piecing together an obstacle course zone in our back yard. Still thinking on it, but movable pieces would be great, especially if they are just heavy enough. He needs that heavy lifting, pulling, pushing. And boy does he need to work on his endurance and stamina. It will be amazing. I see only one draw back...he will want a friend. My super social boy rarely plays well alone.
Here's to a more even tempered day my friends, and a weekend to look forward to!
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
I am a toddler
Apparently I'm a toddler. This is what I've been reduced to. I think of all that I'm "supposed" to do and all I can think in my head is "NO." I mean, legitimately, you have to imagine it sounding just like a sassy quip that would fly out the mouth of a 3 year old in less than 1 second.
"I don't want to!" I have to do grown up things... things that fall somewhere between maintaining a household to self care. I mean, what is laundry anyway? Necessary. That's what it is... at least eventually. I need to brush my son. 5 times daily actually. This seems like nothing I'm sure, but to me it's 5 more things on my to-do list! 5 on a list I already NEVER complete (which I realize is a ridiculous goal anyway and likely not a true statement as Never is Never a good word to use)!
My to-do list grows...Keep a log. Log behaviors. Log mood swings, meltdowns, over dramatic or depressive speech (can't separate those yet). My own personal Dr. wanted me to log my blood pressure. Log my sons intrusive obsessive thoughts.
Yes, I realize I'm whining and in perspective I'm being ridiculous, but I'm to the point of legitimately feeling that meme that says, "What is it with these people? They act like I'm supposed to feed them 3 meals a day or something!" To be honest, when you don't feel like eating, you don't feel like cooking... and did I mention that we are renovating the entire main floor!
I'm a toddler... at least today I am. I'm not on the floor flailing, and I'm sort of proud to report that I haven't yelled today (kept a decent amount of cool actually), but in my head I am there. "No. I don't want to!" And then storm off to my room to be all alone in my jammies in my blanket fort. Heck I might even color!
Not adulting well today, but it happens. I have an amazing community that pitched in today to let me see about my own mental health today in peace. No little ones in tow... Let me reiterate. No. little. loves. with me. I was ALONE! Holy Hallelujah! I literally jokingly told the Dr. he was welcome to see some more patients before me so that I could just enjoy the quiet! But alas, kids needed feeding again and picking up. And so it goes.
The Dr. surprised me. He's not my favorite. We don't always agree. He literally stated that the only tools he has for depression and anxiety are meds... And all I could think of was Why? No nutrition? No exercise suggestion? No question about my support system? my sleep habits? Methods I use for escape currently? Respite care or sitter services? No form of psychotherapy? Yeah. OK. But this wasn't a huge surprise. This is what I expected and I was there for it. I was ready.
He's had me take the test before... you know the ipad quiz that seems like one of those super short Facebook things that will tell you what kind of person you are!! Heaven help us. It was sort of silly and tricky. I needed an in between bubble on a whole bunch of them, so I did my best.
He did 1 thing for me that was exactly what I needed. No it wasn't the meds. He validated my feelings and the place where I have been residing emotionally as of late. He acknowledged it. Said that it was actually quite common, and that he actually sees how stellar most women are and didn't think he could do all that we do. Ummmm wasn't expecting that! But you know... he's right and he doesn't even know the half of what I do. Not even a half! That part makes me feel almost human. Almost not weird and guilty and insecure. (Yes guys... that last statement with those feelings that I often try to push aside and not accept are still there, and yes guys I'm aware they are lies).
I have started using this phrase, "I don't accept that." I started using it when my kids would treat me or bring me their personal "junk"especially when it's presented in anger and disrespect and literally has nothing to do with me, and I simply say, "You know what? I don't accept that. You may discuss it with me respectfully (or whatever applies here)." I don't know where it came from... Probably the Lord as I'm not much of a believer in coincidence. But I like it. And I think I'm going to start using it on myself. When "the feelings" or anxiety creep up and try to lie to me, I'm just going to say, "No. I don't accept that."
NOT TODAY... ;-) Click Below and enjoy
Not Today...
"I don't want to!" I have to do grown up things... things that fall somewhere between maintaining a household to self care. I mean, what is laundry anyway? Necessary. That's what it is... at least eventually. I need to brush my son. 5 times daily actually. This seems like nothing I'm sure, but to me it's 5 more things on my to-do list! 5 on a list I already NEVER complete (which I realize is a ridiculous goal anyway and likely not a true statement as Never is Never a good word to use)!
My to-do list grows...Keep a log. Log behaviors. Log mood swings, meltdowns, over dramatic or depressive speech (can't separate those yet). My own personal Dr. wanted me to log my blood pressure. Log my sons intrusive obsessive thoughts.
Yes, I realize I'm whining and in perspective I'm being ridiculous, but I'm to the point of legitimately feeling that meme that says, "What is it with these people? They act like I'm supposed to feed them 3 meals a day or something!" To be honest, when you don't feel like eating, you don't feel like cooking... and did I mention that we are renovating the entire main floor!
I'm a toddler... at least today I am. I'm not on the floor flailing, and I'm sort of proud to report that I haven't yelled today (kept a decent amount of cool actually), but in my head I am there. "No. I don't want to!" And then storm off to my room to be all alone in my jammies in my blanket fort. Heck I might even color!
Not adulting well today, but it happens. I have an amazing community that pitched in today to let me see about my own mental health today in peace. No little ones in tow... Let me reiterate. No. little. loves. with me. I was ALONE! Holy Hallelujah! I literally jokingly told the Dr. he was welcome to see some more patients before me so that I could just enjoy the quiet! But alas, kids needed feeding again and picking up. And so it goes.
The Dr. surprised me. He's not my favorite. We don't always agree. He literally stated that the only tools he has for depression and anxiety are meds... And all I could think of was Why? No nutrition? No exercise suggestion? No question about my support system? my sleep habits? Methods I use for escape currently? Respite care or sitter services? No form of psychotherapy? Yeah. OK. But this wasn't a huge surprise. This is what I expected and I was there for it. I was ready.
He's had me take the test before... you know the ipad quiz that seems like one of those super short Facebook things that will tell you what kind of person you are!! Heaven help us. It was sort of silly and tricky. I needed an in between bubble on a whole bunch of them, so I did my best.
He did 1 thing for me that was exactly what I needed. No it wasn't the meds. He validated my feelings and the place where I have been residing emotionally as of late. He acknowledged it. Said that it was actually quite common, and that he actually sees how stellar most women are and didn't think he could do all that we do. Ummmm wasn't expecting that! But you know... he's right and he doesn't even know the half of what I do. Not even a half! That part makes me feel almost human. Almost not weird and guilty and insecure. (Yes guys... that last statement with those feelings that I often try to push aside and not accept are still there, and yes guys I'm aware they are lies).
I have started using this phrase, "I don't accept that." I started using it when my kids would treat me or bring me their personal "junk"especially when it's presented in anger and disrespect and literally has nothing to do with me, and I simply say, "You know what? I don't accept that. You may discuss it with me respectfully (or whatever applies here)." I don't know where it came from... Probably the Lord as I'm not much of a believer in coincidence. But I like it. And I think I'm going to start using it on myself. When "the feelings" or anxiety creep up and try to lie to me, I'm just going to say, "No. I don't accept that."
NOT TODAY... ;-) Click Below and enjoy
Not Today...
Monday, January 2, 2017
The Truth about Truth
I was pondering through the idea that I am very optimistic and my blog writings will tend to be that way. I also ponder a bit like a blog in my head through out the day especially if I'm allowed any silence at all and/or am doing a mindless task. The blog posts that never make it out of my head and basically end up on the proverbial cutting floor are the ones that are pretty real... almost too real. Ugly words full of complaining, exhausted woman REAL.
Sadly, the internet tends to be a place where in we only show the best of ourselves and our lives and while I don't find this innately wrong on all counts, sometimes the readers can become easily disillusioned. Part of my purpose in writing the blog at all was to allow you some space of real. To know that you aren't alone. Though it is so ingrained in me to find the positive in EVERY thing life throws at us, I promise to sometimes just let the junk be junk. LOL! I'm saying I'll try.
That said, I have high hopes for 2017. We've already begun rolling the ball of change. Right now it feels overwhelming, like it's a giant rock boulder and I'm Indiana Jones running for my life... but it's rolling none the less. I hope for growth and progress. I am too scared to hope for Peace though I long for it desperately. I think my brain won't let my heart hope for it yet, knowing that typically when you are in a process of refining there is a heck of alot of fire among other things.
Think blacksmith. Think of the degree of heat they have to use to melt metal. Think of the caution and care they have to use. Can't get too hot or it won't mold properly. Has to get hot enough for the same reason. Then comes the beating. Once the metal is hot enough it is beaten and prodded into a better shape. Dear heavens that is real. And that is scary.
Speaking of scary. My mom heart has been struggling over something my son's therapist relayed about his own personal experience as a person growing up with the same neurology as my son. He spoke just a smidge of his journey through drugs and alcohol and sobriety... and I think I was supposed to be glad and hopeful, but I was scared. My mom heart saw the other side and longed desperately to intercede and save my son from that kind of life struggle. But my mom head knows that my son will go through whatever he needs to in order to become the boy that God wants him to. And it isn't always pretty.
Am I willing to let him go through the fire to get to the refining?
I think of the stories in the Bible involving sons... specifically Abraham and Isaac. That long awaited promised son! And there he was almost sacrificed atop of a mountain. What faith. What sheer terror. Quite difficult for me to think about actually. And of course Jesus, the son of God, being crucified unjustly, but for MY sin. Well for all of our sins. And the curse is broken and no more! But what a process of horror. Am I willing as a mom to endure it along side the one I love?!
Honestly I'm praying for healing and ease and comfort. But in my head, I know that life brings challenges and I WILL walk them with my children as much as a mom can or should. And it will change me too. And to be honest... it's not a thought I love. I understand it, but I'm not really a fan.
But moms are probably the fiercest of creatures. When I long to lay in bed for days on end, I drag my tired self to the coffee pot and try to sneak in the quiet moments. Then I just get up and get it done! Get it done mommas!
Sadly, the internet tends to be a place where in we only show the best of ourselves and our lives and while I don't find this innately wrong on all counts, sometimes the readers can become easily disillusioned. Part of my purpose in writing the blog at all was to allow you some space of real. To know that you aren't alone. Though it is so ingrained in me to find the positive in EVERY thing life throws at us, I promise to sometimes just let the junk be junk. LOL! I'm saying I'll try.
That said, I have high hopes for 2017. We've already begun rolling the ball of change. Right now it feels overwhelming, like it's a giant rock boulder and I'm Indiana Jones running for my life... but it's rolling none the less. I hope for growth and progress. I am too scared to hope for Peace though I long for it desperately. I think my brain won't let my heart hope for it yet, knowing that typically when you are in a process of refining there is a heck of alot of fire among other things.
Think blacksmith. Think of the degree of heat they have to use to melt metal. Think of the caution and care they have to use. Can't get too hot or it won't mold properly. Has to get hot enough for the same reason. Then comes the beating. Once the metal is hot enough it is beaten and prodded into a better shape. Dear heavens that is real. And that is scary.
Speaking of scary. My mom heart has been struggling over something my son's therapist relayed about his own personal experience as a person growing up with the same neurology as my son. He spoke just a smidge of his journey through drugs and alcohol and sobriety... and I think I was supposed to be glad and hopeful, but I was scared. My mom heart saw the other side and longed desperately to intercede and save my son from that kind of life struggle. But my mom head knows that my son will go through whatever he needs to in order to become the boy that God wants him to. And it isn't always pretty.
Am I willing to let him go through the fire to get to the refining?
I think of the stories in the Bible involving sons... specifically Abraham and Isaac. That long awaited promised son! And there he was almost sacrificed atop of a mountain. What faith. What sheer terror. Quite difficult for me to think about actually. And of course Jesus, the son of God, being crucified unjustly, but for MY sin. Well for all of our sins. And the curse is broken and no more! But what a process of horror. Am I willing as a mom to endure it along side the one I love?!
Honestly I'm praying for healing and ease and comfort. But in my head, I know that life brings challenges and I WILL walk them with my children as much as a mom can or should. And it will change me too. And to be honest... it's not a thought I love. I understand it, but I'm not really a fan.
But moms are probably the fiercest of creatures. When I long to lay in bed for days on end, I drag my tired self to the coffee pot and try to sneak in the quiet moments. Then I just get up and get it done! Get it done mommas!
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Mom Guilt Multiplied
So, I was processing through my own emotional health in the midst of all this work we've been doing for my son... And I thought to myself "I'm just not a healthy person right now." But (yes I spoke right back to that silly self) then I took that thought captive and MADE it obedient unto Christ. You see in my faith, Christ and God the Father are the epitome of truth. And thus, Satan is the father of lies. So the trick is being able to recognize the lies and grab hold of them, squash them, and throw them away. Honestly, it's a self taught, scripture directed visualization I suppose. I imagine it like someone throwing a paper airplane into my office space and me, single handedly snatching it mid air, crumpling it, and throwing it in the waist bin!
So I pondered that thought a minute, because part of me believed it or at the very least understood the sentiment behind it. And then it hit me. Quite actually it IS untrue. "I am not a healthy person right now" became "I am such a healthy person that I realize I am not in a healthy place for me." Y'all. An unhealthy person would have difficulty seeing the intricacies of separation between one's person hood and the emotional struggle they are going through. An unhealthy person, would likely not be thinking of or concerned with their mental health and how it affects others. An unhealthy person would not be grabbing hold of the lies that we feed ourselves or allow others to feed to us, and they certainly wouldn't be turning them around and replacing them with truth.
So there. I'm healthy, and I fully realize that I have reached a place where some help by way of lifestyle health changes, therapy for myself, and/or meds would greatly benefit both me AND my family and other important relationships. That's a GREAT place to be. The knowing. The landing on a decision and setting a goal. As I discussed with my son's therapist yesterday, a healthy mom is ESSENTIAL to my son's progress. ESSENTIAL.
Here's the breakdown. When you have just one kid (so far that is) that requires more, OBVIOUSLY, it effects the whole family. THE WHOLE. I know this is no surprise to any of you that are in this space currently, but maybe for those of you that are still working it out, for those of you that are friends or family to those that are here, this is reality. Let's be real. If your family unit operates as it was designed, there is a beautiful harmony that should occur. When one part of the group is off, the whole is off. Granted, we can all find a new space and a new normal to operate within. Thank heavens we don't have to accept a standard of "normal" from anyone or anywhere, but can indeed establish that for ourselves. Just be aware that this takes time and work. It'd be lovely if you could throw a pile of puzzle pieces up in the air and have them fall right into place... lol!!!! But then you see what I'm saying.
Mom Guilt Multiplied: I DID put this in the title, because to be honest I have danced ALL around it even in the previous several paragraphs. You see, I fight guilt tooth and nail constantly and I can't find a single person or place that it comes from besides myself! (If I think about it long enough, I know that isn't entirely true.) But for the most part, the constant guilt battle comes from within. Sad right?! But here is my current ruminating guilty thought... I have to spend sooooooo much time with the one. And I love it! HARD work. But I love it. I LOVE learning. I love restoring and rebirthing things, so seeing it in a human, however LONG it takes is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! But I feel guilty for it. For not having as much for all the others... and y'all, I have 3 others! AND a husband.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm Princess Poppy from the movie Trolls. If you haven't seen it, it is delightful! But she is the lead character that NEVER GIVES UP. Hopeless Optimist. If she admits difficulty, defeat, etc, it is but for a moment and then she has already turned it around into something positive. This IS me. Seriously. I realize that some people find it annoying, but I think it's just difficult to understand simply because they are not that way. I'm saying this and I realize it seems random and out of left field, but I promise I'm coming back around to it! You see, I DO struggle with these thoughts that are guilty, untrue, etc. BUT I don't accept them, I allow them to fuel me. The best way to get me to work my hind end off at something is to tell me that I can't. Deep down I believe in myself... at least I think that's what's going on. Ha! So, this tinge of guilt... I see it smoldering off in the distance. I have thought about it and worried about it very little up to this point, but I can see it there, and I have a sense that if I don't do something directly about it, then it will grow. It being a new year this very day, I'm setting goals with every intention of smashing them, blowing them out of the water!
Though Executive Function is definitely my struggle as well, I'm determining and working toward setting an official schedule that allows each of my fantastic people time and attention with me regularly. As I'm still working on it, I don't have all the details worked out, but I'm thinking of a monthly intentional date with each other child. And a monthly date with my son and his dad. Date night is already a weekly occurrence thanks to a church event that ALL the kids attend weekly, but I would love an extended date night once a month in addition to that... I hate being boxed in by time constraints. It will all come to fruition, especially if I get to spend a moment working it out detail for detail on my work sneak away next weekend! I'm sure I'll keep you posted, but until then...
Breath in that peace... ever...so...slowly. Stop when it is nearest to you and let it rest there for 3 seconds and then consciously breathe out that guilt, stress, and lies. Do it again and again. As many times as is necessary. MY WORD FOR 2017 IS ENOUGH. Guys. We are enough. God didn't randomly select you for this child. There is purpose and intention (and sometimes it's also for our own personal growth). Happy New Year! Let's do this 2017!
So I pondered that thought a minute, because part of me believed it or at the very least understood the sentiment behind it. And then it hit me. Quite actually it IS untrue. "I am not a healthy person right now" became "I am such a healthy person that I realize I am not in a healthy place for me." Y'all. An unhealthy person would have difficulty seeing the intricacies of separation between one's person hood and the emotional struggle they are going through. An unhealthy person, would likely not be thinking of or concerned with their mental health and how it affects others. An unhealthy person would not be grabbing hold of the lies that we feed ourselves or allow others to feed to us, and they certainly wouldn't be turning them around and replacing them with truth.
So there. I'm healthy, and I fully realize that I have reached a place where some help by way of lifestyle health changes, therapy for myself, and/or meds would greatly benefit both me AND my family and other important relationships. That's a GREAT place to be. The knowing. The landing on a decision and setting a goal. As I discussed with my son's therapist yesterday, a healthy mom is ESSENTIAL to my son's progress. ESSENTIAL.
Here's the breakdown. When you have just one kid (so far that is) that requires more, OBVIOUSLY, it effects the whole family. THE WHOLE. I know this is no surprise to any of you that are in this space currently, but maybe for those of you that are still working it out, for those of you that are friends or family to those that are here, this is reality. Let's be real. If your family unit operates as it was designed, there is a beautiful harmony that should occur. When one part of the group is off, the whole is off. Granted, we can all find a new space and a new normal to operate within. Thank heavens we don't have to accept a standard of "normal" from anyone or anywhere, but can indeed establish that for ourselves. Just be aware that this takes time and work. It'd be lovely if you could throw a pile of puzzle pieces up in the air and have them fall right into place... lol!!!! But then you see what I'm saying.
Mom Guilt Multiplied: I DID put this in the title, because to be honest I have danced ALL around it even in the previous several paragraphs. You see, I fight guilt tooth and nail constantly and I can't find a single person or place that it comes from besides myself! (If I think about it long enough, I know that isn't entirely true.) But for the most part, the constant guilt battle comes from within. Sad right?! But here is my current ruminating guilty thought... I have to spend sooooooo much time with the one. And I love it! HARD work. But I love it. I LOVE learning. I love restoring and rebirthing things, so seeing it in a human, however LONG it takes is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! But I feel guilty for it. For not having as much for all the others... and y'all, I have 3 others! AND a husband.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm Princess Poppy from the movie Trolls. If you haven't seen it, it is delightful! But she is the lead character that NEVER GIVES UP. Hopeless Optimist. If she admits difficulty, defeat, etc, it is but for a moment and then she has already turned it around into something positive. This IS me. Seriously. I realize that some people find it annoying, but I think it's just difficult to understand simply because they are not that way. I'm saying this and I realize it seems random and out of left field, but I promise I'm coming back around to it! You see, I DO struggle with these thoughts that are guilty, untrue, etc. BUT I don't accept them, I allow them to fuel me. The best way to get me to work my hind end off at something is to tell me that I can't. Deep down I believe in myself... at least I think that's what's going on. Ha! So, this tinge of guilt... I see it smoldering off in the distance. I have thought about it and worried about it very little up to this point, but I can see it there, and I have a sense that if I don't do something directly about it, then it will grow. It being a new year this very day, I'm setting goals with every intention of smashing them, blowing them out of the water!
Though Executive Function is definitely my struggle as well, I'm determining and working toward setting an official schedule that allows each of my fantastic people time and attention with me regularly. As I'm still working on it, I don't have all the details worked out, but I'm thinking of a monthly intentional date with each other child. And a monthly date with my son and his dad. Date night is already a weekly occurrence thanks to a church event that ALL the kids attend weekly, but I would love an extended date night once a month in addition to that... I hate being boxed in by time constraints. It will all come to fruition, especially if I get to spend a moment working it out detail for detail on my work sneak away next weekend! I'm sure I'll keep you posted, but until then...
Breath in that peace... ever...so...slowly. Stop when it is nearest to you and let it rest there for 3 seconds and then consciously breathe out that guilt, stress, and lies. Do it again and again. As many times as is necessary. MY WORD FOR 2017 IS ENOUGH. Guys. We are enough. God didn't randomly select you for this child. There is purpose and intention (and sometimes it's also for our own personal growth). Happy New Year! Let's do this 2017!
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