y'all! My husband did this amazing thing! He linked ALL our electronics into this program that sets parameters on usage. Mostly so the kids can't happen upon something inappropriate. Also because they don't self regulate and one is CLEARLY struggling with being addicted to electronics. ALSO, because my son's OCD sneaks in easily with Youtube. He's just not there yet for self monitoring. And let's be real. I can't just wander from child to child to see what they are doing all day. I have my own stuff to do! It's all great until...
I have tried to get on and post a blog for a week and finally realized that my work computer was lumped into the wrong category and I couldn't access blogspot! Ha! My hubs didn't even know I had a blog I don't think. It's sort of just a non-event. Maybe one day it'll find the right people, those other parents or grown ups who need to feel a connection with someone who has and is also going through it with Tourrette's, OCD, ADHD, mood disorders... It can certainly be very draining! But for now, it just sits quietly on the internet... happily let free from my own head. It's cathartic, what can I say?!
So we are still here. We had this magical week wherein I didn't want to breathe for fear everything would go back to the way it was... You know what? It did and it didn't. I know! not helpful, but hear me out! So, the moods and cranky uncooperation did return, just to a lesser degree. The battles are there, just not as intense and constant. Like a mentioned to his main therapist, you really can't nor should you try to medicate the issues out of him. How would he learn to self regulate? All he would learn is that I can take a pill for all my problems and this CAN lead to problems for sure down the road. One clinician mentioned upping his meds next month and I can see that, but the other said they like him where he is. I see that too! I suppose another month and time will tell!
So we trek along. We stink it up often regarding our sensory homework. I long for better consistency and I never stop trying, but so far, it's still a struggle. And I can tell a difference! I wish I couldn't. I really do. I wish it was no different those days that I remember to take breathing breaks with my son and do the full body squeeze, cause honestly that would give me an excuse to skip. A reason to let go of that effort. But, I can definitely tell a difference. He is more "neuro typical" when he gets that sensory input in. BUT I STILL find it hard to work in. Sigh. Us momma's we aren't perfect.
Can I just say... I am on lexapro and I let the Dr. up it cause as much of an improvement as I could see, I really felt like there could be more. And you know what? that instinct was on point! Seriously. The light is coming back into my face... and it had crept away so slowly that I didn't really even notice! But what I am noticing now is the feeling of a smile! And how much more often and more easily they come! I'm noticing playfulness with my spouse and kids that I guess had disappeared! I am noticing because of its rarity the feelings of tension and anxiousness! It is beautiful. I know all about being present in the moment. But I never fully felt like I was that good at it. Tonight as my brood devoured mexican at a restaurant, the smallest member of the 6 of us sound asleep, limp in my arms as I ate, I took it all in. The craze of it. The joy of it. The sweetness of the moment, I attempted to intentionally log in my brain that has its own form of memory issues. I loved it and I rarely LOVE eating out. It truly is such a chore with a large family!
We are not in the clear. But we are in a great place. We are working and we are each week looking toward the next therapy day! But we are pressing in! I am meeting in a moms group, and though I have not fully gelled with the moms there yet (mostly cause their issues are so different from ours since their kids are significantly older than mine) I am finding ways to make the connections and let them benefit out lives here! Some of their advice has even worked with potty training my 3 year old lol! And that is huge if we are headed toward actual real pre-school next year! It's a must really.
Send positive thoughts and prayers this way on Tuesday as we try and solidify insurance things with my hubs and the company! This could be a huge financial blessing on our journey! I will likely do a post on that next so stay tuned! There were for suer moments of desperation regarding finances and our son's special needs!! Heads up ladies! We are not finished yet! The world hasn't seen the half of what we bring to the table! We aren't just mommas!! We are mother superiors!!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Thursday, January 26, 2017
When the calm rolls in...
I haven't felt the urgency to blog for quite a few more days than usual! This is both weird and great for this reason; I think it is a sign that I am less anxious. If anyone else has been through this with their child AND then themselves, you kind of go through this thing. I'll map it out for ya.
In the beginning there never was normal... at least not that you can really remember. Your family's version of normal begins to wear on you. What never really worked is getting worse and worse till there is a point where you look at your hubs and say, "Either he needs help or I do!" And this will begin the stirring of the pot. Please note that this is not a bad thing. It will actually be a good thing in the long run, but change is uncomfortable. And in the case of our neurology it can be sort of volatile for a while. Our kids don't like change on a WHOLE other level. So there is lash out. If you are the mom or the primary care giver, you will be on the receiving end of most of it. It's the blessing of closeness and safety that makes you the target.
Things will get worse and moderately better and worse again. And you will go through the cycle a bit as you try to find what works for your family! But eventually you will find a sweet spot and you will dig in your heals. I can't promise that you will get to stay in that one spot forever, but maybe you will get the blessing of finding a healthy place where everyone can smile and breathe a bit. Maybe just maybe you can stay in that place for long enough that you regain hope and strength, maybe even rest! I can't tell you how this progresses cause I haven't gone any further! But I can shout with celebration that we have found our way to this sandbar!
My friend, a fantastic super strong swimmer, relayed this story from her child hood which all the while she likely didn't realize that I was replaying it in my mind on an entirely more metaphorical level! She was enlightening my son (because he once had a bit of an obsession with sharks), that she had made dangerous contact with a shark merely by accident and had swam for her life after cutting her foot on a part of his front. She had made it to a sand bar in the nick of time and was rescued by people on jet skis from there! All I could think about was how, even though I knew we weren't to the shore yet, we were currently safely on a sand bar!
For that I can be grateful. I can celebrate the small victories! We didn't drown! In August, we were actively drowning. It was literally getting harder and harder for me to breathe and harder and harder to think logically or in a life saving manner, because I was running out of oxygen. I was on the edge of panic. In my head, my human brain and my animal brain were in a fight to the death. That is not where I am now. That is not where my son is today. Today we are 3 days into planned behavior, self regulation, intentionality in his responses and actions!
When the calm rolls in, I spend less time here. I'm enjoying the life I thought I would have. But I wanted to come here and spread hope! Hope that you too will find yourself to a sandbar! In the words of Dory the fish, Just keep swimming parent! Just keep swimming.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Colonel Mom
Mean mom. Sigh. Y'all go ahead and join the club. I didn't start it and I won't be the last standing member. Gotta do what we gotta do. You know kid, you aren't supposed to be my bestie. The faster you learn it, the more peaceful our living together will be. If I had known it was going to be like that today, I'd have started a tally system... set a goal to see how many times you would call me mean! Maybe reward myself with a bubble bath when we hit our mark?! I love a good reward system.
Well I think it's pretty common with "our" kids for us parents to start to slip on what we will and won't stand for in our environment. Truth be told, we are TIRED! Am I right?! For real. When I say that the 3 year old pushing every boundary thing lasted 2 full years if it isn't still going a good 5 + years later!!! Y'all I did my first in that full on 3 year old fight stage for almost exactly 6 months. It was textbook. I promise. I even went to the library and checked out a book and followed it. And it worked! Well supernanny! That's a wrap. We rock as parents and we've got this in the bag!!
NOT!!!
I wish that was true. But #2 was a boy and #2 was a surprise... I mean I was there for my annual visit and had literally the weekend before sold off all the baby and maternity things! I was going to ask about an IUD. Yeah. Ummm... But he was a delightful baby! Big. But nothing about his emotional growth was "normal" once we hit 3. That's when the tics started. Deep head bending blinking. And my hubs noticed it before I did! I mean it's not like I stayed home with him daily, but he noticed it first! Pffft! So we watched and waited. We mentioned it at our well visit. Watch and wait he says. Very common transient tic disorder... should go away. Well it didn't go away. In fact, vocalizations came next. A gasping very disturbing, grating sound came. The first time I noticed it we were in the car and I immediately worried that he was choking.
Then came the explaining, first to him and then to everyone else, teachers/childcare workers, etc! But we began to notice that his behavior was significantly more erratic when his tics were more severe. Wish we had known then what we know now! But that's not usually how it works.
So it came that we did this managing on our own without a ton of support and help. But I will say that consistency is not my forte. I can do it for a push. A season of focus... then I tire. And truthfully, when I'm tired my patience is shorter and I yell more often. Not my favorite trait but real none the less.
NO EMOTION... EVEN KEEL. This is what I was told by the therapist. To be very real it may have been suggested that I over react (let the records show that this is only true some of the time and that by over react he literally meant pay attention to and show emotion toward my kids behaviors--he did not mean screaming, pacing, throwing things etc.) Apparently my kids feed off of my response and continue behaviors that I abhor. Not that this is a surprise... I'm just thinking that as much as I ignore their reactions and over the top dramas, I just figured they were barely paying attention to my low key minor reactions. Apparently I needed to work on my poker face! And so I work on it. I get it wrong lots, but I get it right also!! And you already know I'm not a quitter!
So Colonel Mom is living here currently. Some unacceptable disrespectful things had snuck in and been ignored. But that won't work. You can't trust someone that you don't respect. And my son has trust issues. He NEEDS to know for sure who is in charge. Helps ground him and keep his behavior in check! Does his neuro get in the way? sure. But there are consequences. The world is not going to care about his neurology. They won't. So I'm not doing him any favors by coddling him. I'm going to love him like crazy and be his biggest cheerleader. I'll cry with him too, but just for a time and then I will push him to get up again and have another go! Hard is worth doing. Nobody likes hard. We all want easy, BUT there is a fantastic satisfaction in accomplishing hard things! A pride and confidence. And heavens he needs that.
Mean moms unite! The club is legit and you NEED to be a part of it. Our children NEED us to be their mean moms. Well their moms at least ;-) and not their friends.
Well I think it's pretty common with "our" kids for us parents to start to slip on what we will and won't stand for in our environment. Truth be told, we are TIRED! Am I right?! For real. When I say that the 3 year old pushing every boundary thing lasted 2 full years if it isn't still going a good 5 + years later!!! Y'all I did my first in that full on 3 year old fight stage for almost exactly 6 months. It was textbook. I promise. I even went to the library and checked out a book and followed it. And it worked! Well supernanny! That's a wrap. We rock as parents and we've got this in the bag!!
NOT!!!
I wish that was true. But #2 was a boy and #2 was a surprise... I mean I was there for my annual visit and had literally the weekend before sold off all the baby and maternity things! I was going to ask about an IUD. Yeah. Ummm... But he was a delightful baby! Big. But nothing about his emotional growth was "normal" once we hit 3. That's when the tics started. Deep head bending blinking. And my hubs noticed it before I did! I mean it's not like I stayed home with him daily, but he noticed it first! Pffft! So we watched and waited. We mentioned it at our well visit. Watch and wait he says. Very common transient tic disorder... should go away. Well it didn't go away. In fact, vocalizations came next. A gasping very disturbing, grating sound came. The first time I noticed it we were in the car and I immediately worried that he was choking.
Then came the explaining, first to him and then to everyone else, teachers/childcare workers, etc! But we began to notice that his behavior was significantly more erratic when his tics were more severe. Wish we had known then what we know now! But that's not usually how it works.
So it came that we did this managing on our own without a ton of support and help. But I will say that consistency is not my forte. I can do it for a push. A season of focus... then I tire. And truthfully, when I'm tired my patience is shorter and I yell more often. Not my favorite trait but real none the less.
NO EMOTION... EVEN KEEL. This is what I was told by the therapist. To be very real it may have been suggested that I over react (let the records show that this is only true some of the time and that by over react he literally meant pay attention to and show emotion toward my kids behaviors--he did not mean screaming, pacing, throwing things etc.) Apparently my kids feed off of my response and continue behaviors that I abhor. Not that this is a surprise... I'm just thinking that as much as I ignore their reactions and over the top dramas, I just figured they were barely paying attention to my low key minor reactions. Apparently I needed to work on my poker face! And so I work on it. I get it wrong lots, but I get it right also!! And you already know I'm not a quitter!
So Colonel Mom is living here currently. Some unacceptable disrespectful things had snuck in and been ignored. But that won't work. You can't trust someone that you don't respect. And my son has trust issues. He NEEDS to know for sure who is in charge. Helps ground him and keep his behavior in check! Does his neuro get in the way? sure. But there are consequences. The world is not going to care about his neurology. They won't. So I'm not doing him any favors by coddling him. I'm going to love him like crazy and be his biggest cheerleader. I'll cry with him too, but just for a time and then I will push him to get up again and have another go! Hard is worth doing. Nobody likes hard. We all want easy, BUT there is a fantastic satisfaction in accomplishing hard things! A pride and confidence. And heavens he needs that.
Mean moms unite! The club is legit and you NEED to be a part of it. Our children NEED us to be their mean moms. Well their moms at least ;-) and not their friends.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
The Good with the Bad
It's easy for me to dump my "feelings" and processing here on my blog and not be concerned with how ugly or pretty it is. After all, it's simply a diary of sorts right? Well know this. There are goods that come alongside the difficulties. And yes, the Lord interrupts me in my processing to remind me of them. So I will in turn remind you.
We had a great day. One of my anxieties on Tuesday came with the thought of entering my son into public school. But I was afraid... of where he is academically. Is it up to par? Would he be able to transition with at least the ease of being in the same place with learning that the other children are? In theory, if he needed to repeat a grade, he could! By adulthood, no one cares how old you were when you graduated...
But then came beautiful Wednesday. We started in on schooling, and he was whining. And I patiently had a succinct talk with him about roles that all of us play in our family, society, etc. That his job right now is to do school. That his sisters were busy doing their school. That his friends were doing the same. We talked about how if you buckle down on it now, one day the goal is to be able to afford to pay people to do the things you don't like to do! Right?! I mean really that IS the goal that I'M still working towards! LOL!
He listened. Legitimately listened. He did his work with very little complaining. He doubled up on that work! Even more intense! He did Math and Language Arts. Took a break outside to build an obstacle course and run it several times. Then he did Math and Language Arts again. I was able to sit behind him and work my own business all the while checking in on him.
And parents! I allowed myself to be proud of where he is and the job that I have done up to this point! I realized that though he may be slightly behind, it isn't by much and it's within reach. A goal is a beautiful motivation for this mama! So I rested. That doesn't mean I didn't do anything else...in fact, I did tons of work personally yesterday! But I let my angst rest.
No i didn't do it perfectly. One would think I had far less stress and anxiety post meds and including breathing. Not to mention that personal work success feeds that need within my spirit as well, but the anxiety is still there and the physical manifestations of it are there as well. It IS better post lexapro, but maybe we haven't found that sweet spot.
But for now, we are going to rest in the success! AND I saw truly for the first time just how much support Parkaire has for their patients! Seriously y'all. It's the stuff of dreams and prayers. I have to drive 2.5 hours both ways, spend hours that day in appts, pay a wad of cash each time, BUT that's not it. I ONLY have to drive 2.5 hours. The ride is peaceful. There is joy in OT. There is peace and respite for me as a mom. There is help and hope and they desperately seek to work us all in on 1 day so we don't have to drive so far, so often. They meet together once a week; the therapists, clinicians, educators, OT's... they are in close and constant contact with the psychiatrist and they are on the ball. If I message, they respond quickly. They are working specifically to help us as a family and to move us into a place of success! It is beautiful.
So Next week... this makes me both excited and sick to my stomach with angst, but we begin the shifting of appts. Full session with new OT gal, lunch break, me with Sherry and son with his therapist. I WILL say that the thought of spending an hour one on one with Sherry is overwhelming. I am certain I will be under prepared and not know what to say or where to begin, but the good news is that she's been doing it so long, this will be nothing new to her. And in the worst but best way, it will be good for me. I know myself. I lack intrinsic motivation. I do not plan well. I find it extremely difficult and overwhelming. I try. This is my strength. I never quit. I always jump back up and try again! Always. LOL so I suppose I'm certain either I will get chided for not being as organized or prepared somehow, or that she's being nice because I deserve to be chided. (Please note it's highly unlikely she will look at me without anything but acceptance, she's good like that, but this is what my mean head is trying to tell me.) She is OCD. No I mean legitimately. And getting things done and organized is her strength, so we will be oppositely matched in the best way. At any rate I'm always up for a challenge cause challenge brings growth!
Then we start solidifying the remainder of the changes. The following week may start the super early rising and the moms group. The beginning of yet another therapist for my son to meet first dealing specifically with organizational behaviors and classroom expectations. She will certainly provide very specific therapy for social growth and needs. Then OT for sensories, then half an hour for our lunch break, then he does Psycho therapy and I see Sherry for mom support. Wow! Takes 7 dr/therapists to keep us in check. Thank goodness the Lord has provided us both the means and the place to do this!
Godspeed to all those on this journey with us!!
We had a great day. One of my anxieties on Tuesday came with the thought of entering my son into public school. But I was afraid... of where he is academically. Is it up to par? Would he be able to transition with at least the ease of being in the same place with learning that the other children are? In theory, if he needed to repeat a grade, he could! By adulthood, no one cares how old you were when you graduated...
But then came beautiful Wednesday. We started in on schooling, and he was whining. And I patiently had a succinct talk with him about roles that all of us play in our family, society, etc. That his job right now is to do school. That his sisters were busy doing their school. That his friends were doing the same. We talked about how if you buckle down on it now, one day the goal is to be able to afford to pay people to do the things you don't like to do! Right?! I mean really that IS the goal that I'M still working towards! LOL!
He listened. Legitimately listened. He did his work with very little complaining. He doubled up on that work! Even more intense! He did Math and Language Arts. Took a break outside to build an obstacle course and run it several times. Then he did Math and Language Arts again. I was able to sit behind him and work my own business all the while checking in on him.
And parents! I allowed myself to be proud of where he is and the job that I have done up to this point! I realized that though he may be slightly behind, it isn't by much and it's within reach. A goal is a beautiful motivation for this mama! So I rested. That doesn't mean I didn't do anything else...in fact, I did tons of work personally yesterday! But I let my angst rest.
No i didn't do it perfectly. One would think I had far less stress and anxiety post meds and including breathing. Not to mention that personal work success feeds that need within my spirit as well, but the anxiety is still there and the physical manifestations of it are there as well. It IS better post lexapro, but maybe we haven't found that sweet spot.
But for now, we are going to rest in the success! AND I saw truly for the first time just how much support Parkaire has for their patients! Seriously y'all. It's the stuff of dreams and prayers. I have to drive 2.5 hours both ways, spend hours that day in appts, pay a wad of cash each time, BUT that's not it. I ONLY have to drive 2.5 hours. The ride is peaceful. There is joy in OT. There is peace and respite for me as a mom. There is help and hope and they desperately seek to work us all in on 1 day so we don't have to drive so far, so often. They meet together once a week; the therapists, clinicians, educators, OT's... they are in close and constant contact with the psychiatrist and they are on the ball. If I message, they respond quickly. They are working specifically to help us as a family and to move us into a place of success! It is beautiful.
So Next week... this makes me both excited and sick to my stomach with angst, but we begin the shifting of appts. Full session with new OT gal, lunch break, me with Sherry and son with his therapist. I WILL say that the thought of spending an hour one on one with Sherry is overwhelming. I am certain I will be under prepared and not know what to say or where to begin, but the good news is that she's been doing it so long, this will be nothing new to her. And in the worst but best way, it will be good for me. I know myself. I lack intrinsic motivation. I do not plan well. I find it extremely difficult and overwhelming. I try. This is my strength. I never quit. I always jump back up and try again! Always. LOL so I suppose I'm certain either I will get chided for not being as organized or prepared somehow, or that she's being nice because I deserve to be chided. (Please note it's highly unlikely she will look at me without anything but acceptance, she's good like that, but this is what my mean head is trying to tell me.) She is OCD. No I mean legitimately. And getting things done and organized is her strength, so we will be oppositely matched in the best way. At any rate I'm always up for a challenge cause challenge brings growth!
Then we start solidifying the remainder of the changes. The following week may start the super early rising and the moms group. The beginning of yet another therapist for my son to meet first dealing specifically with organizational behaviors and classroom expectations. She will certainly provide very specific therapy for social growth and needs. Then OT for sensories, then half an hour for our lunch break, then he does Psycho therapy and I see Sherry for mom support. Wow! Takes 7 dr/therapists to keep us in check. Thank goodness the Lord has provided us both the means and the place to do this!
Godspeed to all those on this journey with us!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Fooled
Never trust your feelings... I'm serious. Don't. Not till you've weighed them against everything else. I don't know about you but personally my head and heart are often not quite on the same page. And thank heavens I have learned that I'm highly intuitive, cause that allows me to be more discerning with the use of my heart. I also like to think that I'm pretty self aware. Somewhere inside me and all my idealism is a realist. I promise.
Today was to be "normal". We were at the beginning of a solidified schedule for our Tuesday! This is a big success for a mom who has her own executive functioning issues and a son that has none whatsoever! I had solidified dinner being provided by my sister. I had solidified a permanent sitter and arrangement for the 3 ladies (my daughters--all with different schedules). Y'all it took a solid 6 people to just get my people to and from where they were and where they needed to be AND get us all fed! So, when "they" say it takes a village... It truly does in our case. I was underwhelmed by it, thinking it to be the first of likely many to be very uneventful for me as the mom. Boy was I wrong.
We made it to ATL with no minutes to spare. Met the new OT who was pleasant and fun. But that involved a bit of introduction and discussion. Potty breaks, water breaks. Finally sat down for maybe 30 minutes if I was lucky of reading and a smidge of Premier work on the phone. Then off for lunch break which DID at least result in a full set of the books we wanted to get the boy!! Score! Back to Psycho therapy which immediately involved me. I tried not to take too much time cause it is for sure for my son, but he does not report well, so the therapist relies on me currently to tell him what's going on. And I told him. The good days and the bad. And we had a few of each this week.
I remembered to tell him about how my son seems lost... like he's just floating around with no direction. Nothing that really interests him or drives him other than the things his obsessions introduce. This has become painfully aware. He is having less issues with odd obsessions but is getting quite frustrated and angry with his inability to redirect to a new line of thought. I don't know what to think of it really.
Therapist acknowledged that we are dealing with a mood disorder in there somewhere... duh! But he reaffirmed my place as the mom of the house and that my job as disciplinarian is still extremely important. Sometimes you just need someone to validate what you already know to be right. Then came that question... that one about how structured are his days... Y'all. DEEP deep sigh. Ignore mom guilt... and answer was of course, "not very." Because to be honest, I have done many a thing to attempt to insure structure, but it doesn't seem to remain consistent.
We have a weekly schedule. It should be the same every week at least (daily is out of the question). But everytime I turn around, my other kids in school have some holiday! Seriously! How can I keep our homeschool schedule when the others are missing days and all up in our space? So schedule is Monday--homeschool math and reading/language arts on the computer (mom teaches music to preschool 10-12) Tuesday go to Parkaire all day (play math and english in app games, sometimes listen to history), Wednesday is co-op for history based art and music appreciation (observes math games) wednesday nights AWANA program at church (scripture memory program with social interaction), Thursday--homeschool at home, Friday--homeschool at home
See... not that bad. But I'm not sure it is structured enough for him and I'm not sure public school wouldn't be too structured. Oh the joys of not really fitting anywhere...
Today was to be "normal". We were at the beginning of a solidified schedule for our Tuesday! This is a big success for a mom who has her own executive functioning issues and a son that has none whatsoever! I had solidified dinner being provided by my sister. I had solidified a permanent sitter and arrangement for the 3 ladies (my daughters--all with different schedules). Y'all it took a solid 6 people to just get my people to and from where they were and where they needed to be AND get us all fed! So, when "they" say it takes a village... It truly does in our case. I was underwhelmed by it, thinking it to be the first of likely many to be very uneventful for me as the mom. Boy was I wrong.
We made it to ATL with no minutes to spare. Met the new OT who was pleasant and fun. But that involved a bit of introduction and discussion. Potty breaks, water breaks. Finally sat down for maybe 30 minutes if I was lucky of reading and a smidge of Premier work on the phone. Then off for lunch break which DID at least result in a full set of the books we wanted to get the boy!! Score! Back to Psycho therapy which immediately involved me. I tried not to take too much time cause it is for sure for my son, but he does not report well, so the therapist relies on me currently to tell him what's going on. And I told him. The good days and the bad. And we had a few of each this week.
I remembered to tell him about how my son seems lost... like he's just floating around with no direction. Nothing that really interests him or drives him other than the things his obsessions introduce. This has become painfully aware. He is having less issues with odd obsessions but is getting quite frustrated and angry with his inability to redirect to a new line of thought. I don't know what to think of it really.
Therapist acknowledged that we are dealing with a mood disorder in there somewhere... duh! But he reaffirmed my place as the mom of the house and that my job as disciplinarian is still extremely important. Sometimes you just need someone to validate what you already know to be right. Then came that question... that one about how structured are his days... Y'all. DEEP deep sigh. Ignore mom guilt... and answer was of course, "not very." Because to be honest, I have done many a thing to attempt to insure structure, but it doesn't seem to remain consistent.
We have a weekly schedule. It should be the same every week at least (daily is out of the question). But everytime I turn around, my other kids in school have some holiday! Seriously! How can I keep our homeschool schedule when the others are missing days and all up in our space? So schedule is Monday--homeschool math and reading/language arts on the computer (mom teaches music to preschool 10-12) Tuesday go to Parkaire all day (play math and english in app games, sometimes listen to history), Wednesday is co-op for history based art and music appreciation (observes math games) wednesday nights AWANA program at church (scripture memory program with social interaction), Thursday--homeschool at home, Friday--homeschool at home
See... not that bad. But I'm not sure it is structured enough for him and I'm not sure public school wouldn't be too structured. Oh the joys of not really fitting anywhere...
Monday, January 16, 2017
At it again
Seemed like a good post title considering... we have bumped up my son's meds again to the original dose that made him a zombie. It was sad y'all. Truly sad. Half open eye lids and naps! His friends asking why he's acting like he's not feeling well! Ugh.
The half dose restored his energy and zest for life, but it wasn't effective enough for those mean old sticky thoughts. He actually imagines them as unwanted sneaky tiny ninjas trying to get inside his head. I love that kid. Well, they were making a strong comeback. I fantastically creative obsession went over board. All these card board box inventions were taking over his room and his thoughts. I mean taking. over.
With reluctance I took his does up a smidge to make it an easier adjustment. It was obvious that it helped, but still needed more support. So last night we went back to that whole pill. Tiredness was minimal. Very much still himself. BUT here come the side effects... muscle weakness and joint pain around one knee and some fussing about the space around his heart. I'm thinking and guessing the heart thing is actually more of a muscle anxiety chest clenching thing. But the knee is definitely meds. Good times. I've put a call in to the Dr. but haven't heard back. 2 thoughts on that. 1... maybe it isn't that big of a deal. Thinking he'd have called back immediately if it was a concern. And 2... maybe he did call and the "unknown" number that I missed was actually him trying to get ahold of me while I was attending a party in the boonies today!!
Either way, tomorrow is Therapy Tuesday. Glad to have that part of our schedule solidified. OT will be changing gradually because that other one has to go to a different office on Tuesdays... but I don't anticipate this being an issue. Psycho therapy should be great if tomorrow is anything like today (but you know that is literally impossible to tell)!! And the therapist will address med concerns and side effects I'm sure. That and he'll see a return of a typical fast blinking tic. That one has reappeared over the last several days, and just like always, the reappearance of it brings along some hefty behavioral challenges. This week has certainly been challenging!
So hope awaits me post slumber. I love Tuesdays and they wear me slap out. And I want to stay and not come back most weeks, so it's like minor torture! But it is progress and hope, and that keeps us coming back every week.
The half dose restored his energy and zest for life, but it wasn't effective enough for those mean old sticky thoughts. He actually imagines them as unwanted sneaky tiny ninjas trying to get inside his head. I love that kid. Well, they were making a strong comeback. I fantastically creative obsession went over board. All these card board box inventions were taking over his room and his thoughts. I mean taking. over.
With reluctance I took his does up a smidge to make it an easier adjustment. It was obvious that it helped, but still needed more support. So last night we went back to that whole pill. Tiredness was minimal. Very much still himself. BUT here come the side effects... muscle weakness and joint pain around one knee and some fussing about the space around his heart. I'm thinking and guessing the heart thing is actually more of a muscle anxiety chest clenching thing. But the knee is definitely meds. Good times. I've put a call in to the Dr. but haven't heard back. 2 thoughts on that. 1... maybe it isn't that big of a deal. Thinking he'd have called back immediately if it was a concern. And 2... maybe he did call and the "unknown" number that I missed was actually him trying to get ahold of me while I was attending a party in the boonies today!!
Either way, tomorrow is Therapy Tuesday. Glad to have that part of our schedule solidified. OT will be changing gradually because that other one has to go to a different office on Tuesdays... but I don't anticipate this being an issue. Psycho therapy should be great if tomorrow is anything like today (but you know that is literally impossible to tell)!! And the therapist will address med concerns and side effects I'm sure. That and he'll see a return of a typical fast blinking tic. That one has reappeared over the last several days, and just like always, the reappearance of it brings along some hefty behavioral challenges. This week has certainly been challenging!
So hope awaits me post slumber. I love Tuesdays and they wear me slap out. And I want to stay and not come back most weeks, so it's like minor torture! But it is progress and hope, and that keeps us coming back every week.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Fighting the need for Speed
One of daughter's teachers used to tell the kids, "This is not Burger King. You can't have your way right away!" And though that was a solid 8 years ago, I think of that idea often.
We all prefer our way. Even as an adult when I really want something a certain way... I mean when I REEEEEAAAAALLLLYYY want something a certain way, I am going to find a way to make it happen for myself. I don't like no. I have a desperate neeeeed to have things that certain way--my way. So, the acting out that my son pulls that most often comes from things not going his way or me not allowing him to have his own way, is understandable. I don't accept it. It is not acceptable, but understandable.
What I want is for my son's therapies, for those magic medicine's, all the hard work and brain training to fix him. To make him a version of himself void of constant barrage of negative thoughts and self loathing. I want it to work and I want it to hurry up and work now. We have poured ourselves out for years before all this. And this new portion of our journey... well each week feels like a month in itself! I'm fighting the need to speed this along.
These things can't be rushed. I can not MAKE his pre-frontal cortex develop faster. It can't be done and I just have to accept that. I'm not sure I can. Not at this moment. Maybe I'll get there, or maybe by the time I get there I will no longer need things to hurry along. Maybe. There's a reason for this and it's serious and not pretty.
Here is the reason:
Some days feel like abuse. Like some form of torture test. How much of a mom are you? How much can you take? Can you take these ugly words directed at you? Can you handle a halting of your tasks repeatedly all day? Can you handle Love and hatred in the same breath? Can you trust after you've been beaten up emotionally? Should you? If I were in an adult relationship with someone like this, I would have left that person LONG ago. But this is my child. If I don't work to help mold and shape him, who will? There are days that feel like I haven't slept and have been working a giant trauma in an ER somewhere single handedly! (Too many med dramas? ha!) Or in the trenches with no reprieve for so many hours, that I'm not sure what day it is. My stress hormone is on overload and I need to escape to regroup and come up with a new strategy, refuel and re-energize.
I don't know a soul that wouldn't wish to the good lord for it all to hurry up and be better, be over, if they were under constant barrage! Seriously. Thank heavens we can take a lot more than we think we can! Thank goodness for hope and Christ and a future. I promise I couldn't do it without all that. Or at least I wouldn't want to!
Y'all. I need prayer. Finding the good in all the things is hard! I can't tell you how many times people say, "cherish this time, it'll be gone in the blink of an eye!" And I'm am in my mind's eye doing the tambourine church lady dance in my head hollering hallelujah! You mean it will end? Eventually?! And then comes the mom guilt where I'm thinking, "If this madness makes me feel this way, how much more does he feel?" Then the determination comes back, the fight, the pure grit.
Here begins the cycle again. Hunkerdown. Get ready for the next one. Press forward. And take that step against all odds. Grieve. Again. Hunkerdown. Get ready for the next one. Press forward and take another step against all odds. Grieve again... I hope it gets easier. legitimately I hope. I'm not there yet. It is in no way easier. Maybe more difficult cause nothing is familiar or comfortable... cause you can't just pretend there's nothing going on. Nope. Not in the easy stage right now, but I'm still standing mamas! And so can you. I'm tattered and battered and weary no doubt, but I'm still standing and pushing that one foot in front of the other, pushing toward hope and progress no matter how hard his issues push back.
We all prefer our way. Even as an adult when I really want something a certain way... I mean when I REEEEEAAAAALLLLYYY want something a certain way, I am going to find a way to make it happen for myself. I don't like no. I have a desperate neeeeed to have things that certain way--my way. So, the acting out that my son pulls that most often comes from things not going his way or me not allowing him to have his own way, is understandable. I don't accept it. It is not acceptable, but understandable.
What I want is for my son's therapies, for those magic medicine's, all the hard work and brain training to fix him. To make him a version of himself void of constant barrage of negative thoughts and self loathing. I want it to work and I want it to hurry up and work now. We have poured ourselves out for years before all this. And this new portion of our journey... well each week feels like a month in itself! I'm fighting the need to speed this along.
These things can't be rushed. I can not MAKE his pre-frontal cortex develop faster. It can't be done and I just have to accept that. I'm not sure I can. Not at this moment. Maybe I'll get there, or maybe by the time I get there I will no longer need things to hurry along. Maybe. There's a reason for this and it's serious and not pretty.
Here is the reason:
Some days feel like abuse. Like some form of torture test. How much of a mom are you? How much can you take? Can you take these ugly words directed at you? Can you handle a halting of your tasks repeatedly all day? Can you handle Love and hatred in the same breath? Can you trust after you've been beaten up emotionally? Should you? If I were in an adult relationship with someone like this, I would have left that person LONG ago. But this is my child. If I don't work to help mold and shape him, who will? There are days that feel like I haven't slept and have been working a giant trauma in an ER somewhere single handedly! (Too many med dramas? ha!) Or in the trenches with no reprieve for so many hours, that I'm not sure what day it is. My stress hormone is on overload and I need to escape to regroup and come up with a new strategy, refuel and re-energize.
I don't know a soul that wouldn't wish to the good lord for it all to hurry up and be better, be over, if they were under constant barrage! Seriously. Thank heavens we can take a lot more than we think we can! Thank goodness for hope and Christ and a future. I promise I couldn't do it without all that. Or at least I wouldn't want to!
Y'all. I need prayer. Finding the good in all the things is hard! I can't tell you how many times people say, "cherish this time, it'll be gone in the blink of an eye!" And I'm am in my mind's eye doing the tambourine church lady dance in my head hollering hallelujah! You mean it will end? Eventually?! And then comes the mom guilt where I'm thinking, "If this madness makes me feel this way, how much more does he feel?" Then the determination comes back, the fight, the pure grit.
Here begins the cycle again. Hunkerdown. Get ready for the next one. Press forward. And take that step against all odds. Grieve. Again. Hunkerdown. Get ready for the next one. Press forward and take another step against all odds. Grieve again... I hope it gets easier. legitimately I hope. I'm not there yet. It is in no way easier. Maybe more difficult cause nothing is familiar or comfortable... cause you can't just pretend there's nothing going on. Nope. Not in the easy stage right now, but I'm still standing mamas! And so can you. I'm tattered and battered and weary no doubt, but I'm still standing and pushing that one foot in front of the other, pushing toward hope and progress no matter how hard his issues push back.
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