Adulting is not all it's cracked up to be. I need to remember that when I watch my kid melting into a puddle on the floor over minute things. What I am expecting is a more "adult" type response... and I am also not always up for that as a task! Today is one of those examples.
In my defense, I have adulted quite well today. I have a neuro child or 2 and the 2 of them that struggle the most both seem to be struggling today. One more than the other. And I have tried to be reasonable and fairly calm with a smidge of practicality and logical challenge mixed in just for perspective. But today, even more than usual, I HAD to get things done. In fact, I still have to get things done--half the reason that I am here in blog land trying to center my spirit a bit before I "go back to work".
But it is 4:12pm. Dinner is in the crockpot and the kids are watching a movie. It is oddly quiet and in the quiet stillness is when my body has a moment to rest. This is when the wave of exhaustion usually washes over me in warmth and strength, sapping what little energy I have left! Today is no exception. But there is that bit of angst still smoldering low and hushed within. When I walk into my Jewelry show tonight, I want to be rid of that monkey. There is no good reason to be anxious... but mom guilt comes on in this form when the days creep by in difficulty and stretching.
But I am more than capable of handling what comes next. I firmly said no this morning to yet another activity. I can't say no to my child's birthday tomorrow lol, but I did try to make it the easiest as possible. I have a sitter, so I ideally don't have to put small ones to bed. And then I will have to decide which kind of adult I want to be for the rest of the night. The one that drinks wine and falls asleep or the one who drinks water so she can read and not fall asleep! And I get to choose!
Enough patting myself on the back for this pep talk. On to caffeine and a new outfit. The older crowds might not appreciate my world market / gypsy style thing i've got going today! 😂😂😂😂😂
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Friday, May 12, 2017
Yogi
I have fallen in love. It IS the oddest thing and then it isn't and I'll unpack that for you.
I have fallen in love with yoga. When my son is finishing up one of his therapies on most Tuesdays, I attend a yoga class at the clinic. I have done a very tiny smidge of yoga up until this point. But I now attend weekly and have gotten my own mat and block for my own space at home. I have only embarked on my youtube living room yoga 2 times so far, but I am learning and have to begin somewhere.
It is peaceful. It allows for great release physically and mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I do it just to bring my inner self back into a center space. You ever feel like your mood is totally off? like you just can't get a handle on where you are and getting yourself back to where you should be? Sounds whacky I know, but yoga helps!!! Truly. I am a Christ follower, and so I feel as though I much put this out there that this is a great and healthy practice for a Christ follower! I say that because I know that there are some that are concerned about what the poses mean and who you are meditating upon... You are a free human! You are capable of meditating on whatever or whomever you choose and one of the things I love MOST is meeting quietly with God in that still place. I mostly try to completely ease and clear my mind, but when there is a need to reach out to find strength, I set my mind on scripture. Totally beautiful. Totally gives me the strength and stamina to hold long difficult poses.
I love yoga!
I started reading up and researching it... that is for another post, but I love that yoga is not just exercise, but a lifestyle of centered healthy choices for your mind and body. So I suppose I'm on my yogi journey!
And here is why I think this is not all that surprising in the end. When I was much younger, I danced. I mean I lost myself in the art AND the discipline of ballet! I loved challenging both my mind, my art, and my body to do difficult yet beautiful things!! This is not that different! Hopefully, less damaging to my knees, but definitely not that different. There is a bit of a circle, a coming back to your love thing going on here that makes me thrilled!
There. That's all I've got for today! But seriously... if you need some focus, some stretching, some peace... try it. You will not regret it!
I have fallen in love with yoga. When my son is finishing up one of his therapies on most Tuesdays, I attend a yoga class at the clinic. I have done a very tiny smidge of yoga up until this point. But I now attend weekly and have gotten my own mat and block for my own space at home. I have only embarked on my youtube living room yoga 2 times so far, but I am learning and have to begin somewhere.
It is peaceful. It allows for great release physically and mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I do it just to bring my inner self back into a center space. You ever feel like your mood is totally off? like you just can't get a handle on where you are and getting yourself back to where you should be? Sounds whacky I know, but yoga helps!!! Truly. I am a Christ follower, and so I feel as though I much put this out there that this is a great and healthy practice for a Christ follower! I say that because I know that there are some that are concerned about what the poses mean and who you are meditating upon... You are a free human! You are capable of meditating on whatever or whomever you choose and one of the things I love MOST is meeting quietly with God in that still place. I mostly try to completely ease and clear my mind, but when there is a need to reach out to find strength, I set my mind on scripture. Totally beautiful. Totally gives me the strength and stamina to hold long difficult poses.
I love yoga!
I started reading up and researching it... that is for another post, but I love that yoga is not just exercise, but a lifestyle of centered healthy choices for your mind and body. So I suppose I'm on my yogi journey!
And here is why I think this is not all that surprising in the end. When I was much younger, I danced. I mean I lost myself in the art AND the discipline of ballet! I loved challenging both my mind, my art, and my body to do difficult yet beautiful things!! This is not that different! Hopefully, less damaging to my knees, but definitely not that different. There is a bit of a circle, a coming back to your love thing going on here that makes me thrilled!
There. That's all I've got for today! But seriously... if you need some focus, some stretching, some peace... try it. You will not regret it!
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Angry
I certainly didn't expect processing to make me angry. I don't know if I've said this before, but I did study well over a year of Marriage and Family Therapy classes between under grad and grad school before I changed my degree plan. I KNOW and understand factually that this can be part of therapy, but I haven't experienced it. I may be guilty of a great deal of masking. I'm not sure. Still processing through it. What I think I understand so far is that it's OK to feel mostly anyway and not to negate the feeling or invalidate them... but my very strong adult logic says, it's ridiculous. It's just feelings and not reality. Or at least perspective, not actuality... Sigh. This whole post may literally be an attempt to make sense of all that I'm learning and sorting through.
But I am feeling frustrated and angry. And seemingly because clinician see the success and plan for a quicker exit than my spirit is ready for! I should be thrilled... but no. I'm feeling tricked. I know it isn't true or likely, but I'm definitely struggling with a trust type thing. Ugh. Do these people have the whole picture, do they see it clearly? Do they understand? Do they have our family's best interest in mind? We are healthy enough. We can figure it out on our own. Will we then be abandoned for the sicker? The one's who "need it more". Will they make more $$ off of a different patient? I struggle with what I logically think is true and what my skeptic and distrust of authority thinks could be a possibility. Wow. I didn't even really know what all was in my head and heart.
Sigh. I wrote those first 2 paragraphs almost 2 weeks ago. And I got angrier, at least for awhile. There was a lot of projecting going on. Things that were buried deep with in that I never let out. Honestly I didn't see the point. Honestly I still don't see it fully, but I'm becoming more accepting of my feelings and acknowledging them and their difficulty. I'm oddly mothering myself... which sometimes is exactly what I need.
Heavy processing has gone on the last 2 weeks... things that I won't even put here, but hit me surprisingly. One thing that I think I already knew but was reminded painfully, is that I don't cut myself slack... and truthfully sometimes I'm that way with my close loved ones also. My head battles with my heart and my logical adult self basically shames, shuns, and embarrasses my heart led sensitive self and so I dismiss most vulnerabilities as disillusionment or something. My own insecurity shuts me down.
It's like a pulled a string dangling off a beautiful ribbon and now the entire thing is coming unravelled. I'd love to pretend it's one thing that I just need to iron out and all will be well, but there seems to come another thing and another. I LOVE processes, learning more about others and myself, but this deep stuff is a lot of work! Wonder how it'll all come out on Tuesday in Group?! Should be interesting... until then.
But I am feeling frustrated and angry. And seemingly because clinician see the success and plan for a quicker exit than my spirit is ready for! I should be thrilled... but no. I'm feeling tricked. I know it isn't true or likely, but I'm definitely struggling with a trust type thing. Ugh. Do these people have the whole picture, do they see it clearly? Do they understand? Do they have our family's best interest in mind? We are healthy enough. We can figure it out on our own. Will we then be abandoned for the sicker? The one's who "need it more". Will they make more $$ off of a different patient? I struggle with what I logically think is true and what my skeptic and distrust of authority thinks could be a possibility. Wow. I didn't even really know what all was in my head and heart.
Sigh. I wrote those first 2 paragraphs almost 2 weeks ago. And I got angrier, at least for awhile. There was a lot of projecting going on. Things that were buried deep with in that I never let out. Honestly I didn't see the point. Honestly I still don't see it fully, but I'm becoming more accepting of my feelings and acknowledging them and their difficulty. I'm oddly mothering myself... which sometimes is exactly what I need.
Heavy processing has gone on the last 2 weeks... things that I won't even put here, but hit me surprisingly. One thing that I think I already knew but was reminded painfully, is that I don't cut myself slack... and truthfully sometimes I'm that way with my close loved ones also. My head battles with my heart and my logical adult self basically shames, shuns, and embarrasses my heart led sensitive self and so I dismiss most vulnerabilities as disillusionment or something. My own insecurity shuts me down.
It's like a pulled a string dangling off a beautiful ribbon and now the entire thing is coming unravelled. I'd love to pretend it's one thing that I just need to iron out and all will be well, but there seems to come another thing and another. I LOVE processes, learning more about others and myself, but this deep stuff is a lot of work! Wonder how it'll all come out on Tuesday in Group?! Should be interesting... until then.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Therapy is Weird
LOL!! Mom's Group... that I love soooo much, is group therapy. Yeah. I suppose I ignored it or was in denial, but that is definitely what it is! And it is a beautiful kind of hard! Today was insane in its goodness. And me as a Christ follower, devout scripture believer, have to weed through the goodness that comes out in cliche and universal type of ways that seems "almost" on point, but that also means slightly off. So far, my God has been faithful to keep my eyes open to see truth and beauty and to find it's roots in scripture! But I can see the sorting out I'm doing in my head as I process it all!
Today I acknowledged my inner child. A concept not altogether unfamiliar, but one I brushed off time and again. I'm STILL attempting to reconcile her existence still... but none the less she is always there. Well, crap. That DOES explain the inner turmoil that we go through with the things we feel and the things we know in our head. My brain is so smart that it brushes off and discredits that inner child and her feelings. That explains alot!
I need to say that I love my moms in the group!!! One of them is a bucket of delight and fun and she has a fantastic accent that really reminds me of my favorite brazilian friend who has passed on. That other mom in group today is THE BEST storyteller. Her telling of the things she has gone through in her week are always so entertaining! I get so much joy from her presence in the group!!
When I look back over just the 7 day period that we call a week, last week, sooooo much happen in such a small space! And though some of it was pretty over the top, I ended up feeling proud of the way that I handled most of it! That WE handled it, cause my hubs is good at this too ;-)
We did have a med addition as of last Tuesday afternoon. Amantadine... an odd little flu med from days of old that works to restore some executive function and organized thought. So far on the half dose, it seems to be sort of helping... LOL only time will tell as these things go.
Lastly, my son's therapist may have mentioned seeing less and less of him as the summer comes! EEEEK! Legitimately, I'm fearful. I can't go back to where we've been and I still see the benefit of that weekly support!! Though I should be amazed by his progress, I am personally not ready to send him out into the world undersupported and pray to the good lord that he doesn't fall so heavily to the ground in a complete fail! But if they have faith, then I will. I think! ha! Prayers and direction... Prayers and direction!
Today I acknowledged my inner child. A concept not altogether unfamiliar, but one I brushed off time and again. I'm STILL attempting to reconcile her existence still... but none the less she is always there. Well, crap. That DOES explain the inner turmoil that we go through with the things we feel and the things we know in our head. My brain is so smart that it brushes off and discredits that inner child and her feelings. That explains alot!
I need to say that I love my moms in the group!!! One of them is a bucket of delight and fun and she has a fantastic accent that really reminds me of my favorite brazilian friend who has passed on. That other mom in group today is THE BEST storyteller. Her telling of the things she has gone through in her week are always so entertaining! I get so much joy from her presence in the group!!
When I look back over just the 7 day period that we call a week, last week, sooooo much happen in such a small space! And though some of it was pretty over the top, I ended up feeling proud of the way that I handled most of it! That WE handled it, cause my hubs is good at this too ;-)
We did have a med addition as of last Tuesday afternoon. Amantadine... an odd little flu med from days of old that works to restore some executive function and organized thought. So far on the half dose, it seems to be sort of helping... LOL only time will tell as these things go.
Lastly, my son's therapist may have mentioned seeing less and less of him as the summer comes! EEEEK! Legitimately, I'm fearful. I can't go back to where we've been and I still see the benefit of that weekly support!! Though I should be amazed by his progress, I am personally not ready to send him out into the world undersupported and pray to the good lord that he doesn't fall so heavily to the ground in a complete fail! But if they have faith, then I will. I think! ha! Prayers and direction... Prayers and direction!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Off the Beam
If you've ever heard or read some of Jen Hatmaker's stuff, you have probably heard the discussion of what is going to be taken on or off the beam. Let me break it down for you right now. The balance beam. We are all walking around trying to do and hold onto all this stuff, but life is supposed to have a beautiful balance. And when it doesn't it knocks us into a very out of sorts space emotionally, spiritually, relationally, even physically. The whole thing pretty much ends up looking like a nervous break down if left out of sorts or pushed further out of sorts for too long.
Well, I'm about 2 steps from that space... the super unhealthy one. The part that is keeping me going I think is the knowing that I made at least some of the choices and messes, so surely I can undo some of the problem. That still remains to be seen. I'm pretty much maxxed out. so much so that as I look at my beam to see what can be removed, I can only see the things which would normally bring me so much joy as being the ones I can remove right now. Um what? Leave all the stressful pieces and remove the things that would be full of fun? Yeah that is not a good space.
But fun can be stress too. My job is a heck of a lot of fun! But it brings a striving that can get off balance for sure. What I'm certain I need is 2 fold. 2 weeks of mindless fun with my husband in some place where it is impossible to think of or contact people about the kids!!! AND at least a week or two in my home with out the kids, so that I can bring it back to some sense of balance! Of course the likelihood that either of those things will happen is pretty slim.
But as I hang on, I do see trips away with people I enjoy in my future. Away is an escape I realize. Being real, that is exactly what I'd like. Away. I want off this crazy train at least for awhile. I need a pinch hitter. ha! Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart! Parenting a neuro kid or 2... whew! We are a different breed ladies! I feel like as we look at one another, their should be some special aura around those of us that are still standing after the invisible (at least to the outside world) battles that we have been fighting. Whew!
I realize this post is mostly speaking straight from my head with very little processing, but we've all been here. It's ok. I will find my way to center...eventually.
Well, I'm about 2 steps from that space... the super unhealthy one. The part that is keeping me going I think is the knowing that I made at least some of the choices and messes, so surely I can undo some of the problem. That still remains to be seen. I'm pretty much maxxed out. so much so that as I look at my beam to see what can be removed, I can only see the things which would normally bring me so much joy as being the ones I can remove right now. Um what? Leave all the stressful pieces and remove the things that would be full of fun? Yeah that is not a good space.
But fun can be stress too. My job is a heck of a lot of fun! But it brings a striving that can get off balance for sure. What I'm certain I need is 2 fold. 2 weeks of mindless fun with my husband in some place where it is impossible to think of or contact people about the kids!!! AND at least a week or two in my home with out the kids, so that I can bring it back to some sense of balance! Of course the likelihood that either of those things will happen is pretty slim.
But as I hang on, I do see trips away with people I enjoy in my future. Away is an escape I realize. Being real, that is exactly what I'd like. Away. I want off this crazy train at least for awhile. I need a pinch hitter. ha! Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart! Parenting a neuro kid or 2... whew! We are a different breed ladies! I feel like as we look at one another, their should be some special aura around those of us that are still standing after the invisible (at least to the outside world) battles that we have been fighting. Whew!
I realize this post is mostly speaking straight from my head with very little processing, but we've all been here. It's ok. I will find my way to center...eventually.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
The Facade
I was the epitome of Mombie today. I woke with a headache that may or may not have been partyly my fault. Staying up late watching a movie (which is something I never do) and having alcohol before bed. It WAS that kind of day yesterday.
But today I woke. My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20. I was single parenting AND teaching today. And there was that headache. Getting out of the house is a typical battle. There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance. Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us. We are THOSE neighbors.
But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help. But then there was the every where I look thing. Every where I looked there was crap. I mean clutter. Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes. It is a hot huge disorganized mess. There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday. I'm operating at less than 50% right now. Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.
And then there was that moment. The mental wherewithall to say to myself. If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me! So I put on the facade. I mentally slowed down. I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself. One at a time till I push through. As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh. I doubt that I managed my schedule well. No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...
Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh. My zest for life got lost along the way here recently. I'd like to find it again soon. If I can muster the energy and the strength.
But today I woke. My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20. I was single parenting AND teaching today. And there was that headache. Getting out of the house is a typical battle. There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance. Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us. We are THOSE neighbors.
But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help. But then there was the every where I look thing. Every where I looked there was crap. I mean clutter. Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes. It is a hot huge disorganized mess. There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday. I'm operating at less than 50% right now. Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.
And then there was that moment. The mental wherewithall to say to myself. If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me! So I put on the facade. I mentally slowed down. I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself. One at a time till I push through. As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh. I doubt that I managed my schedule well. No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...
Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh. My zest for life got lost along the way here recently. I'd like to find it again soon. If I can muster the energy and the strength.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Martian Mom
If you are the mom of ANY child... but especially one with eccentricities, differences, special needs, whatever you choose to call it, may I suggest that you run (don't walk) to rent, buy, or borrow the movie "Martian Child" starring John Cusack. Wow. Just wow. You see I saw it years ago, and have a fun girl non-crush on most of John Cusack's characters in movies and this one is no exception!
I had forgotten how good it was. Slightly unrealistic of course, but then, it's a movie. But Oh so good. Why are we so desperate for our people, family, kids, etc to fit in. Be what we expect. I'm not happy with that cage personally. I feel trapped or like an outsider cause I refuse the cage altogether. What if we took the cage away entirely?
Can you tell I'm struggling today with my precious neuro boy. Do I really want him to be typical? Am I ok with medicating him so that he can manage a classroom or sitting and doing dull work like the rest of us are expected to do? I can see how unregulated repetitive building of claw machines (out of boxes and tape which is OH so cool) doesn't fall in the safe and healthy zone...
Why is parenting soooooooo difficult? Why can't I desire alone time and not feel guilty? I imagine the day that Precious one can sit through a class day and manage... What in the world would I do with all that time?! Seriously?! I feel like I would sleep for at least the first month straight!!
But on the other spectrum, what if he is not meant to be in school. What if his place is learning things in an atypical way at home with a teacher (me) who is willing to tailor it to his needs. Such a difficult row to hoe. He has to learn to do some things he doesn't like and to be ok with that. Truthfully, all I can think is that the rest of the world will NOT likely be willing to make adjustments for him.
Martian Child. They are all a bit Martian... as are we.
I had forgotten how good it was. Slightly unrealistic of course, but then, it's a movie. But Oh so good. Why are we so desperate for our people, family, kids, etc to fit in. Be what we expect. I'm not happy with that cage personally. I feel trapped or like an outsider cause I refuse the cage altogether. What if we took the cage away entirely?
Can you tell I'm struggling today with my precious neuro boy. Do I really want him to be typical? Am I ok with medicating him so that he can manage a classroom or sitting and doing dull work like the rest of us are expected to do? I can see how unregulated repetitive building of claw machines (out of boxes and tape which is OH so cool) doesn't fall in the safe and healthy zone...
Why is parenting soooooooo difficult? Why can't I desire alone time and not feel guilty? I imagine the day that Precious one can sit through a class day and manage... What in the world would I do with all that time?! Seriously?! I feel like I would sleep for at least the first month straight!!
But on the other spectrum, what if he is not meant to be in school. What if his place is learning things in an atypical way at home with a teacher (me) who is willing to tailor it to his needs. Such a difficult row to hoe. He has to learn to do some things he doesn't like and to be ok with that. Truthfully, all I can think is that the rest of the world will NOT likely be willing to make adjustments for him.
Martian Child. They are all a bit Martian... as are we.
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