As it seems and is no TRUE surprise, it seems we may have two neurologically tricky children in this house... My youngest is a solid 4.5 years old and is just getting revved up. Lately there has been a LOT of screaming and storms. Anger. Lots of disregulated anger. It is a level that we didn't have to deal with in the raising of my son... or any of the siblings actually. But possibly we have had a break through this week after a particularly disturbing and loud storm. Now, there is a jar... with rewards and tokens that can be added or removed depending on behavior. We set rules and options for how to deal with anger appropriately. And there has been some obvious improvement.
But the most obvious thing that I have seen this week is that we are indeed dealing with another neurological child... and sadly that really changes soooo much. I have seen it... I have been watching her with my eyes wide open over the years. But a bit of procrastination and denial have been my sidekicks! But that time is coming to an end more rapidly than I had hoped.
The acceptance of that reality does change a lot. It means separating her room with her sister. It means stricter discipline and constant on her case. It means carefully watching her hunger and tiredness levels. might mean IEP's and therapy...
There is a lot to monitor here... and I am thankful I'm not left to navigate it alone! That's for sure!
ON TOP OF ALL THAT: my son started Ritalin this week...a fact I'm not much excited about. I'm not sure that I am ready for the drama of trying a new med! But he has had 4 doses and I certainly haven't seen much improvement. In fact, so far, his behavior hasn't even been its best...
So who knows. Still monitoring that before bumping that dose up!
Going to be a holiday season to remember I'm sure!!
Friday, December 8, 2017
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Thorns
My son several times a week, says that he is dumb and that he hates his Tourrettes and that he's an imbecile . This is obviously a HUGE struggle for me as a mom. My sweet heart of a boy still struggles desperately over a lot in life that he didn't get to choose. Now he HAS to manage it by learning strategies and coping mechanisms... which eventually wears him out. Today was no exception.
As his mom, I can quite often see his storms rolling in, but at my suggestion, he has literally NO interest in doing what I have suggested. When I tell him to think of and use a tool for help processing through his emotions, he is too far frustrated to think clearly or quickly. This tug of rope today brought desperately to mind the discussion Paul's Thorn in his Flesh in the 2 Corinthian Chapter 12!
We've all been there, am I right?! That tug. Between what we struggle with the what is obviously the will of God. You see, He didn't come so that I might have comfort. He came that I might have LIFE and have it abundantly. Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but life isn't often comfortable. Growing, moving, progressing, changing. breathing, a heartbeat... not always comfortable. What happens as we grow. So many things! Physically sometimes we outgrow our clothes and become uncomfortable in what we had once grown accustomed to! Think that concept can bleed over into the more emotional, spiritual, mindful part of our inner life?!
Sometimes, we grow so fast that our physical balance actually becomes temporarily disturbed! Tripping, fumbling, clumsiness becomes an issue! This can create falls, scrapes, frustrations, the desire to give up! But this doesn't last forever, it's just part of it! The more we practice on those bigger feet and longer legs, the better we get. The faster we get.
And oh the development of our brains!! Whew! I have an older child in Junior high and that whole shift in their thinking strategies is both exciting and amazing... and utterly frustrating and annoying!
We all battle struggles. They don't look the same, and they don't even all feel the same, but they are a connection none the less. The struggle is not the end! It's the lesson that creates beauty on the other side.
I've seen and still watch my neuro child STRUGGLE through plenty of things that don't seem so hard to others. And I know its hard and frustrating... but it is a super important part of his journey that I can not, nor would I want to take away. Ideally, I want to sand down the roughest parts so it's not soooo bad, and cushion some of the falls, but sometimes, all I get is to fix him up after it's over and teach him ways to help and prepare for the next time. Cause in this life. there usually is a next time.
As his mom, I can quite often see his storms rolling in, but at my suggestion, he has literally NO interest in doing what I have suggested. When I tell him to think of and use a tool for help processing through his emotions, he is too far frustrated to think clearly or quickly. This tug of rope today brought desperately to mind the discussion Paul's Thorn in his Flesh in the 2 Corinthian Chapter 12!
We've all been there, am I right?! That tug. Between what we struggle with the what is obviously the will of God. You see, He didn't come so that I might have comfort. He came that I might have LIFE and have it abundantly. Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but life isn't often comfortable. Growing, moving, progressing, changing. breathing, a heartbeat... not always comfortable. What happens as we grow. So many things! Physically sometimes we outgrow our clothes and become uncomfortable in what we had once grown accustomed to! Think that concept can bleed over into the more emotional, spiritual, mindful part of our inner life?!
Sometimes, we grow so fast that our physical balance actually becomes temporarily disturbed! Tripping, fumbling, clumsiness becomes an issue! This can create falls, scrapes, frustrations, the desire to give up! But this doesn't last forever, it's just part of it! The more we practice on those bigger feet and longer legs, the better we get. The faster we get.
And oh the development of our brains!! Whew! I have an older child in Junior high and that whole shift in their thinking strategies is both exciting and amazing... and utterly frustrating and annoying!
We all battle struggles. They don't look the same, and they don't even all feel the same, but they are a connection none the less. The struggle is not the end! It's the lesson that creates beauty on the other side.
I've seen and still watch my neuro child STRUGGLE through plenty of things that don't seem so hard to others. And I know its hard and frustrating... but it is a super important part of his journey that I can not, nor would I want to take away. Ideally, I want to sand down the roughest parts so it's not soooo bad, and cushion some of the falls, but sometimes, all I get is to fix him up after it's over and teach him ways to help and prepare for the next time. Cause in this life. there usually is a next time.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Future
How important it is for the heart to see a future. We all desperately long to see with our eyes what is to come... but that isn't how it works! Seeing, for me personally as a woman of faith, becomes something we do with our hearts and maybe a bit with our imagination. It is trusting that the pieces that are missing right now will indeed be found and put in their right place--and might I add, without fully seeing the end picture! I call it faith and I can not help but think of Jer. 29:11...
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" (the sentence structure is most assuredly mine as I stink at grammar and that exclamation point is definitely how I feel about this declaration from the Lord).
Thank heavens. I can REST in that. Life is most certainly a whirlwind, no? I mean, as soon as you think you've unwound the mess, you find that it's swirling all around you again with tons of things, once again, up in the air! It's been like that here for a solid 13 years (that would be my entire parenthood so far)!
All that to say... I won't bore you with the details, but the end results and realizations have been great... and ironically scriptural. Everyone has an innate need to paint for themselves visions of the future. With out the future, we start to lose hope. Without hope, comes depression. HOPE is essential... to life, to living... for mood, for forward movement in life... for productivity and satisfaction.
Stagnation is not a place that the world wants to be. I do believe our creator made it that way. Comfort. Contentment. Yes, those are "places" that we should try to find our way to. But believe it or not we can be comfortable and content in the midst of the whirlwind. In the midst of the ever moving toward a goal. And I am finding that ability to not simply survive, but to look ahead and begin to paint a picture of a future. I must say it is life giving, refreshing, joyful! It's the most obvious step beyond survival mode... that space where sooo much of special needs mothering lives and breathes!
Excited about the steps beyond survival!
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" (the sentence structure is most assuredly mine as I stink at grammar and that exclamation point is definitely how I feel about this declaration from the Lord).
Thank heavens. I can REST in that. Life is most certainly a whirlwind, no? I mean, as soon as you think you've unwound the mess, you find that it's swirling all around you again with tons of things, once again, up in the air! It's been like that here for a solid 13 years (that would be my entire parenthood so far)!
All that to say... I won't bore you with the details, but the end results and realizations have been great... and ironically scriptural. Everyone has an innate need to paint for themselves visions of the future. With out the future, we start to lose hope. Without hope, comes depression. HOPE is essential... to life, to living... for mood, for forward movement in life... for productivity and satisfaction.
Stagnation is not a place that the world wants to be. I do believe our creator made it that way. Comfort. Contentment. Yes, those are "places" that we should try to find our way to. But believe it or not we can be comfortable and content in the midst of the whirlwind. In the midst of the ever moving toward a goal. And I am finding that ability to not simply survive, but to look ahead and begin to paint a picture of a future. I must say it is life giving, refreshing, joyful! It's the most obvious step beyond survival mode... that space where sooo much of special needs mothering lives and breathes!
Excited about the steps beyond survival!
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Oh the Irony
I don't write as often and in a way I love that... then in a way, of course, I miss it. So, when I hop on to steal a moment of writing, I check in on my last post. It's a way of remembering, or putting myself in the position and thoughts/feelings that I was channeling at that time.
Wow. Just wow.
I was explaining (quite in a manner in which I would speak) the reasons that August really triggers a bit of cynicism and PTSD in me. But you guys!!! It's half way through September and if I didn't know better, I would definitely think it was August! Ha! Except... my mood. My processing and progress has come so far that what I can and will list for you as the constant barrage of "life" arrows that have been flung at me, hasn't sent me very far in the wrong direction! I'll break it down. Here's what I mean.
September was to be such a lovely thing. A month I had been looking forward to and planning for for so many months! 10 I think. Longing... longing and dreaming wistfully toward this blessed month! I could shrug off August cause I wan't much a fan, AND my bday is close enough to September that I could use this nearly free 9 day vacay with my bestie as an excuse to call it my Bday celebration!! Whoop Whoop! Yes, you read that right. 9 whole days! Out of town! No kids! Barely any phone service! Oh my word! She and I had both decided that our entire plan for the vacay time was to eat, sleep, laugh, and read. Secretly I planned to learn as much as I could!
But it wasn't meant to be. Hurricane (yes I see the theme) Irma decided she would thwart our plans entirely! Entirely! Meaning NO vacay AT ALL. NOTHING! There is still a smidge of let down in my heart, but just a bit. There is the thought that I ought to be more frustrated or angry... but I'm not. It's weird. But NO that's not all...
Somehow... me the non-outdoorsy type managed to contract Lyme disease from a tick bite just before we were to leave. The tell-tale bullseye rash appeared and thank heavens for it, cause otherwise I might be dealing with more of a lifelong chronic lyme issue! But for real! I don't love sweating in any circumstance. I don't find a ton of joy doing hiking, fishing, climbing, boating... Something I'm often forcing myself to engage in simply because in my head I know that it is good for my health both physical and mental! And yet, I somehow managed to acquire a tick from my back yard likely that bit me and caused lyme. Yes, to heavy antibiotics. Yes, to careful listening to my body. Yes to cutting out almost all sugars. Yes, to that including dairy and gluten. The only good new here is that I'm crossing my fingers that balancing my body and its alkalinity will allow the spirochetes to die off AND hey, I'll probably lose weight!
I'm good. I've had all the September I can take! I look forward to packing in some last minute work cause heaven knows I'm behind! I look forward to seeing Parkaire friends and family Tuesday... finally. There is good still to come, but truly if September had turned quickly into October, it wouldn't bother me at this rate!
Wow. Just wow.
I was explaining (quite in a manner in which I would speak) the reasons that August really triggers a bit of cynicism and PTSD in me. But you guys!!! It's half way through September and if I didn't know better, I would definitely think it was August! Ha! Except... my mood. My processing and progress has come so far that what I can and will list for you as the constant barrage of "life" arrows that have been flung at me, hasn't sent me very far in the wrong direction! I'll break it down. Here's what I mean.
September was to be such a lovely thing. A month I had been looking forward to and planning for for so many months! 10 I think. Longing... longing and dreaming wistfully toward this blessed month! I could shrug off August cause I wan't much a fan, AND my bday is close enough to September that I could use this nearly free 9 day vacay with my bestie as an excuse to call it my Bday celebration!! Whoop Whoop! Yes, you read that right. 9 whole days! Out of town! No kids! Barely any phone service! Oh my word! She and I had both decided that our entire plan for the vacay time was to eat, sleep, laugh, and read. Secretly I planned to learn as much as I could!
But it wasn't meant to be. Hurricane (yes I see the theme) Irma decided she would thwart our plans entirely! Entirely! Meaning NO vacay AT ALL. NOTHING! There is still a smidge of let down in my heart, but just a bit. There is the thought that I ought to be more frustrated or angry... but I'm not. It's weird. But NO that's not all...
Somehow... me the non-outdoorsy type managed to contract Lyme disease from a tick bite just before we were to leave. The tell-tale bullseye rash appeared and thank heavens for it, cause otherwise I might be dealing with more of a lifelong chronic lyme issue! But for real! I don't love sweating in any circumstance. I don't find a ton of joy doing hiking, fishing, climbing, boating... Something I'm often forcing myself to engage in simply because in my head I know that it is good for my health both physical and mental! And yet, I somehow managed to acquire a tick from my back yard likely that bit me and caused lyme. Yes, to heavy antibiotics. Yes, to careful listening to my body. Yes to cutting out almost all sugars. Yes, to that including dairy and gluten. The only good new here is that I'm crossing my fingers that balancing my body and its alkalinity will allow the spirochetes to die off AND hey, I'll probably lose weight!
I'm good. I've had all the September I can take! I look forward to packing in some last minute work cause heaven knows I'm behind! I look forward to seeing Parkaire friends and family Tuesday... finally. There is good still to come, but truly if September had turned quickly into October, it wouldn't bother me at this rate!
Monday, August 21, 2017
August... How I loathe thee...
My hubs rocks. As in, he pays attention and quietly works to show me he hears me and THAT rocks! I say this because he is forever trying to give me the best August memories ever. You see, I haven't liked August for awhile. It's my birthday month and I think it always sort of hit me like everything else as a middle child. It's supposed to be about me, but never really was... And that went a step further that year when my grandfather died and the funeral was held on my birthday. It was like the creepiest family reunion and the memories play in my head of member after member still crying and verbalizing their happy birthdays to me. The oddness of the mixed emotions forever set that into the crumbling stone of my memory. Years after, my widowed grandmother was remarried on that very same day. Lovely. I was growing up and I got to choose a fancy dress and my first set of heels, but then that year it wasn't about me either. So birthdays continued.
Things seemed to fall apart around my bday maybe just cause it was August and there is a lot of back to school bustle, but none the less, every year there was something. Hurricane Katrina didn't help August for me either... 6 week old newborn and an evacuation from our home, friends, church, comfort, degrees, jobs, "normal"--even the writing of this triggers a bit. Again with the love hate. I remember being in one of my favorite places... my grandmother's home in the fancy room with a slate blue velvet couch and portrait of my dad as a child hung over my bed. I remember the feel of the linoleum under my feet in her kitchen and the familiar smells. I remember us all gathering at the breakfast table straining our eyes and neck to see the small kitchen television perched near the ceiling in the eat in space. And I remember the processing speed slowing down quite a bit when I started to attempt the making sense of yesterday nights going to be conclusions and that morning's realizations.
I was grateful and felt loved being surrounded by so many precious to me and that cake! My all-time favorite cake that my great grandmother was famous for... My grandmother, without prompting and in secrecy, made that cake for me! Angel food cake from scratch with fulffy white, egg-whites only icing that was like marshmallow fluff! (y'all as a side note, if you forget about that last bit of cake and leave it on a plate in the cake holder on top of the fridge for several months, it is concrete... straight up hammer it off the plate concrete) But the kicker is that I was still send scrambling that year. Straight into mom of a new born with nowhere to go, mastitis sufferer cause I also didn't have clothes, a home, somewhere to wash. Hubs was driving hours to work to he could find a permanent job, so I was single newborn parenting in lines for vaccines, for red cross for diapers, assistance in whatever form I could find it!
I remember finally getting to go out alone after the baby was about 4 months. I needed clothes... that I liked and that fit. My dad offered to babysit. I drove to the mall. Parked the car and started crying. Crying cause I was finally alone. Crying cause it had been pushed down and overridden so long due to survival instinct. I remember wandering the stores and then calling my sister telling her my mind couldn't fathom what to even look at to buy cause I was in brain fog! It was August.
August is all about the brain fog and this year was no exception. I literally started the month's August with serious brain fog. I could tell I was struggling to make actual sense and real distinct intelligent thought, but I could not find my way out. Running... fast walking could have helped actually, but hindsight isnt all that helpful in this case. I struggled with work and getting it done and accomplished. Still am struggling through August. I can't even go through last year. I was quite on the verge of a full mental breakdown last year at this time. Sooooo many issues with W then. I cried most of the way to a friend's house 4 hours away one weekend. Hard to parent these babes and their neurologic difficulties!
This year is better. It's still August and I'm not loving it. Not at all. Been a rocky climb but I have been injured on this trek this year. W is ticcing... a good bit. His behavior lacks a great deal of inhibition. He is blurting...and we watch for copralalia. We long for structure and order in his schooling and that has been all over the place! But August will be over soon and September will come. It WILL ease and we will progress. This too shall pass.
Things seemed to fall apart around my bday maybe just cause it was August and there is a lot of back to school bustle, but none the less, every year there was something. Hurricane Katrina didn't help August for me either... 6 week old newborn and an evacuation from our home, friends, church, comfort, degrees, jobs, "normal"--even the writing of this triggers a bit. Again with the love hate. I remember being in one of my favorite places... my grandmother's home in the fancy room with a slate blue velvet couch and portrait of my dad as a child hung over my bed. I remember the feel of the linoleum under my feet in her kitchen and the familiar smells. I remember us all gathering at the breakfast table straining our eyes and neck to see the small kitchen television perched near the ceiling in the eat in space. And I remember the processing speed slowing down quite a bit when I started to attempt the making sense of yesterday nights going to be conclusions and that morning's realizations.
I was grateful and felt loved being surrounded by so many precious to me and that cake! My all-time favorite cake that my great grandmother was famous for... My grandmother, without prompting and in secrecy, made that cake for me! Angel food cake from scratch with fulffy white, egg-whites only icing that was like marshmallow fluff! (y'all as a side note, if you forget about that last bit of cake and leave it on a plate in the cake holder on top of the fridge for several months, it is concrete... straight up hammer it off the plate concrete) But the kicker is that I was still send scrambling that year. Straight into mom of a new born with nowhere to go, mastitis sufferer cause I also didn't have clothes, a home, somewhere to wash. Hubs was driving hours to work to he could find a permanent job, so I was single newborn parenting in lines for vaccines, for red cross for diapers, assistance in whatever form I could find it!
I remember finally getting to go out alone after the baby was about 4 months. I needed clothes... that I liked and that fit. My dad offered to babysit. I drove to the mall. Parked the car and started crying. Crying cause I was finally alone. Crying cause it had been pushed down and overridden so long due to survival instinct. I remember wandering the stores and then calling my sister telling her my mind couldn't fathom what to even look at to buy cause I was in brain fog! It was August.
August is all about the brain fog and this year was no exception. I literally started the month's August with serious brain fog. I could tell I was struggling to make actual sense and real distinct intelligent thought, but I could not find my way out. Running... fast walking could have helped actually, but hindsight isnt all that helpful in this case. I struggled with work and getting it done and accomplished. Still am struggling through August. I can't even go through last year. I was quite on the verge of a full mental breakdown last year at this time. Sooooo many issues with W then. I cried most of the way to a friend's house 4 hours away one weekend. Hard to parent these babes and their neurologic difficulties!
This year is better. It's still August and I'm not loving it. Not at all. Been a rocky climb but I have been injured on this trek this year. W is ticcing... a good bit. His behavior lacks a great deal of inhibition. He is blurting...and we watch for copralalia. We long for structure and order in his schooling and that has been all over the place! But August will be over soon and September will come. It WILL ease and we will progress. This too shall pass.
I don't know what to do with Therapy...
WOH! Found this in my drafts! Intense! It's been a few months since I wrote this.
I LOVE therapy... or at least the idea, purpose, and general outcome of therapy! In fact, I was studying in my graduate and undergraduate classes toward a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. And yet...
When it is my turn I almost don't know what to say. My first private session as of late was awkward for me. I was floundering around trying to figure out why I was there and what could I say that would be most beneficial. I suppose I'm not the type of person that is comfortable sitting on the couch and telling you my life story from start to finish. The truth is that I do a lot of intense purposed processing on my own. If I'm coming to you for therapy then I desire to get to the seriousness... to the real point pretty quick and get the work started! BUT... and this is a BIG but... I have to feel safe in a thousand ways on a thousand levels. This HAS to be pretty common.
I am incredibly intuitive. I balance my spirit with logic and knowledge, but I trust my spirit a thousand times more because I don't view it as my own spirit, but the Spirit of the Holy One with in me. I have been able to clearly hear from God for a loooong time (as long as I'm in a spiritually healthy and engaged place). When there is an intuitive connection its hard to deny. When I build friendships, there is a certain level of the spiritual intuition that is reached and understood that will send the valued few into my deep friendship circle!
I'd love for my therapist to fall into that category, but we haven't found our way there. I view her with amazement and respect! She is incredible at what she does! But she is an older woman and that alone is a bit of a wall I have to get past. The kind of woman who certainly knows far more than me! I'm inclined to just listen and ask for advice rather than do personal work and personal soul searching. I LOVE her! I sincerely do. But I'm having trouble finding my way to my authentic self with her. But then there is the idea that maybe I'm not sure where my authentic self ends and my polished self begins and what is so bad about the mixture anyway.
I have been challenged by my son's therapist to try harder and take a leap of faith with her. Trust her with my fully disclosed self. But I think I fear her reaction or difference of opinion or insight on faith and religion. I actually LOVE a discussion on theology and differences BUT in therapy this is not ideal. My understanding and relationship with my creator bleeds into every part of my life. Hard for me to inspect most parts of myself without finding faith there.
So tonight, I find myself frustrated. And therapy day can be like that. I should come to expect it. Here I sat for nearly 1.5 hours without saying much of anything with true depth. Yes, I explored things! I celebrated familial victories, I expressed some worries... but all in all I kept my inner child safe. And let's talk about that inner child while we're here...
I always kind of thought that whole concept was kind of weird. I'm good with weird... in fact it's usually a compliment, but in this case I suppose I simply mean that I don't comprehend it or it's reality. I do get it's purpose to an extent... BUT THEN! I am listening to Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and my brain gets it for the first time! Christ says to come to him as a child! I truly think that my son's therapist brought this up, but I suppose I wasn't in a place to hear it then! Full faith, no inhibitions. Like a child... gut wrenching honesty! For me, this is the purpose of constantly being brought back to the inner child. I have all but discarded her. Truly. I read those verses about growing up in the faith and leaving childish things behind and that was it. I kissed that "baby" goodbye! I constantly ridicule her, ignore her, roll my eyes at her. She annoys me... gets in the way of my mature self.
This is a bigger problem than I realized BECAUSE this is exactly the way I deal with my own children if my anxiety is high or I'm pretty exhausted! And as I see it, if I can change the way I treat mini-me, then it will spill over into my other relationships! Love your neighbor as yourself right?!
I LOVE therapy... or at least the idea, purpose, and general outcome of therapy! In fact, I was studying in my graduate and undergraduate classes toward a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. And yet...
When it is my turn I almost don't know what to say. My first private session as of late was awkward for me. I was floundering around trying to figure out why I was there and what could I say that would be most beneficial. I suppose I'm not the type of person that is comfortable sitting on the couch and telling you my life story from start to finish. The truth is that I do a lot of intense purposed processing on my own. If I'm coming to you for therapy then I desire to get to the seriousness... to the real point pretty quick and get the work started! BUT... and this is a BIG but... I have to feel safe in a thousand ways on a thousand levels. This HAS to be pretty common.
I am incredibly intuitive. I balance my spirit with logic and knowledge, but I trust my spirit a thousand times more because I don't view it as my own spirit, but the Spirit of the Holy One with in me. I have been able to clearly hear from God for a loooong time (as long as I'm in a spiritually healthy and engaged place). When there is an intuitive connection its hard to deny. When I build friendships, there is a certain level of the spiritual intuition that is reached and understood that will send the valued few into my deep friendship circle!
I'd love for my therapist to fall into that category, but we haven't found our way there. I view her with amazement and respect! She is incredible at what she does! But she is an older woman and that alone is a bit of a wall I have to get past. The kind of woman who certainly knows far more than me! I'm inclined to just listen and ask for advice rather than do personal work and personal soul searching. I LOVE her! I sincerely do. But I'm having trouble finding my way to my authentic self with her. But then there is the idea that maybe I'm not sure where my authentic self ends and my polished self begins and what is so bad about the mixture anyway.
I have been challenged by my son's therapist to try harder and take a leap of faith with her. Trust her with my fully disclosed self. But I think I fear her reaction or difference of opinion or insight on faith and religion. I actually LOVE a discussion on theology and differences BUT in therapy this is not ideal. My understanding and relationship with my creator bleeds into every part of my life. Hard for me to inspect most parts of myself without finding faith there.
So tonight, I find myself frustrated. And therapy day can be like that. I should come to expect it. Here I sat for nearly 1.5 hours without saying much of anything with true depth. Yes, I explored things! I celebrated familial victories, I expressed some worries... but all in all I kept my inner child safe. And let's talk about that inner child while we're here...
I always kind of thought that whole concept was kind of weird. I'm good with weird... in fact it's usually a compliment, but in this case I suppose I simply mean that I don't comprehend it or it's reality. I do get it's purpose to an extent... BUT THEN! I am listening to Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and my brain gets it for the first time! Christ says to come to him as a child! I truly think that my son's therapist brought this up, but I suppose I wasn't in a place to hear it then! Full faith, no inhibitions. Like a child... gut wrenching honesty! For me, this is the purpose of constantly being brought back to the inner child. I have all but discarded her. Truly. I read those verses about growing up in the faith and leaving childish things behind and that was it. I kissed that "baby" goodbye! I constantly ridicule her, ignore her, roll my eyes at her. She annoys me... gets in the way of my mature self.
This is a bigger problem than I realized BECAUSE this is exactly the way I deal with my own children if my anxiety is high or I'm pretty exhausted! And as I see it, if I can change the way I treat mini-me, then it will spill over into my other relationships! Love your neighbor as yourself right?!
Monday, May 22, 2017
Twilight Zone
That time your husband offers to drive your son to therapy appts! I'm so excited though they both seem to also be excited... Even with my ADHD and Executive Dysfunction, I am wondering how they are going to get it all done, but I suppose it's their's to figure out. So tomorrow, even though most of us are running under the weather... or have a serious case of allergies, I am getting my hair done.
You know that you're a mom when your family is well aware that you will let it ride till your roots look like an intentional ombre hair style, so they get you a prepaid mother's day hair appt! lol!!! So, I will have it done tomorrow! For that I'm excited. Since it's prepaid, I guess I'll skip purple... maybe ;-)
But I definitely want to run the errands I never get to like the bank, the post office, office depot for faxing medical insurance things... Never mind that I really need to get a passport! Maybe Wednesday...
What will I miss most? Yoga probably... that or mother's group. I like therapeutic check ins with my sons people. Seriously... May be a real control thing, but it feels more like a contribution. Like I'm up to speed and doing all that I can. I for sure spend a good deal of my life sort of faking it till I make it. I DO NOT want this special needs parenting thing to be like this. Could be that I feel like I have something to prove to myself and maybe others, but I want to be seen as on top of it. Intelligent. if not intellectual. Beyond capable. Deep sigh.
Obviously even us moms have our issues. lol!
Really all I needed to do was hop on here and lament the fact that me, myself, and I will not be going to therapy day tomorrow. But in all actuality, I'm thrilled that my hubs gets to. I hope he sees what's going on! That he is thrilled. That he gets to check in with Dan Pruitt and feels a connection, some help. I'm praying it is priceless...
You know that you're a mom when your family is well aware that you will let it ride till your roots look like an intentional ombre hair style, so they get you a prepaid mother's day hair appt! lol!!! So, I will have it done tomorrow! For that I'm excited. Since it's prepaid, I guess I'll skip purple... maybe ;-)
But I definitely want to run the errands I never get to like the bank, the post office, office depot for faxing medical insurance things... Never mind that I really need to get a passport! Maybe Wednesday...
What will I miss most? Yoga probably... that or mother's group. I like therapeutic check ins with my sons people. Seriously... May be a real control thing, but it feels more like a contribution. Like I'm up to speed and doing all that I can. I for sure spend a good deal of my life sort of faking it till I make it. I DO NOT want this special needs parenting thing to be like this. Could be that I feel like I have something to prove to myself and maybe others, but I want to be seen as on top of it. Intelligent. if not intellectual. Beyond capable. Deep sigh.
Obviously even us moms have our issues. lol!
Really all I needed to do was hop on here and lament the fact that me, myself, and I will not be going to therapy day tomorrow. But in all actuality, I'm thrilled that my hubs gets to. I hope he sees what's going on! That he is thrilled. That he gets to check in with Dan Pruitt and feels a connection, some help. I'm praying it is priceless...
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