And then there were 2

As it seems and is no TRUE surprise, it seems we may have two neurologically tricky children in this house...  My youngest is a solid 4.5 years old and is just getting revved up.  Lately there has been a LOT of screaming and storms.  Anger.  Lots of disregulated anger.  It is a level that we didn't have to deal with in the raising of my son... or any of the siblings actually.  But possibly we have had a break through this week after a particularly disturbing and loud storm.  Now, there is a jar... with rewards and tokens that can be added or removed depending on behavior.  We set rules and options for how to deal with anger appropriately.  And there has been some obvious improvement.

But the most obvious thing that I have seen this week is that we are indeed dealing with another neurological child... and sadly that really changes soooo much.  I have seen it... I have been watching her with my eyes wide open over the years.  But a bit of procrastination and denial have been my sidekicks!  But that time is coming to an end more rapidly than I had hoped.

The acceptance of that reality does change a lot.  It means separating her room with her sister.  It means stricter discipline and constant on her case.  It means carefully watching her hunger and tiredness levels.  might mean IEP's and therapy...

There is a lot to monitor here... and I am thankful I'm not left to navigate it alone!  That's for sure!

ON TOP OF ALL THAT: my son started Ritalin this week...a fact I'm not much excited about.  I'm not sure that I am ready for the drama of trying a new med!  But he has had 4 doses and I certainly haven't seen much improvement.  In fact, so far, his behavior hasn't even been its best...
So who knows.  Still monitoring that before bumping that dose up! 

Going to be a holiday season to remember I'm sure!! 

Thorns

My son several times a week, says that he is dumb and that he hates his Tourrettes and that he's an imbecile .  This is obviously a HUGE struggle for me as a mom.  My sweet heart of a boy still struggles desperately over a lot in life that he didn't get to choose.  Now he HAS to manage it by learning strategies and coping mechanisms... which eventually wears him out.  Today was no exception.

As his mom, I can quite often see his storms rolling in, but at my suggestion, he has literally NO interest in doing what I have suggested. When I tell him to think of and use a tool for help processing through his emotions, he is too far frustrated to think clearly or quickly.  This tug of rope today brought desperately to mind the discussion Paul's Thorn in his Flesh in the 2 Corinthian Chapter 12!

We've all been there, am I right?!  That tug.  Between what we struggle with the what is obviously the will of God.  You see, He didn't come so that I might have comfort.  He came that I might have LIFE and have it abundantly.  Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but life isn't often comfortable.  Growing, moving, progressing, changing.  breathing, a heartbeat... not always comfortable.  What happens as we grow.  So many things!  Physically sometimes we outgrow our clothes and become uncomfortable in what we had once grown accustomed to!  Think that concept can bleed over into the more emotional, spiritual, mindful part of our inner life?!

Sometimes, we grow so fast that our physical balance actually becomes temporarily disturbed!  Tripping, fumbling, clumsiness becomes an issue!  This can create falls, scrapes, frustrations, the desire to give up!  But this doesn't last forever, it's just part of it!  The more we practice on those bigger feet and longer legs, the better we get.  The faster we get.

And oh the development of our brains!! Whew!  I have an older child in Junior high and that whole shift in their thinking strategies is both exciting and amazing... and utterly frustrating and annoying!

We all battle struggles.  They don't look the same, and they don't even all feel the same, but they are a connection none the less.  The struggle is not the end!  It's the lesson that creates beauty on the other side.

I've seen and still watch my neuro child STRUGGLE through plenty of things that don't seem so hard to others.  And I know its hard and frustrating... but it is a super important part of his journey that I can not, nor would I want to take away.  Ideally, I want to sand down the roughest parts so it's not soooo bad, and cushion some of the falls, but sometimes, all I get is to fix him up after it's over and teach him ways to help and prepare for the next time.  Cause in this life.  there usually is a next time.

Future

How important it is for the heart to see a future.  We all desperately long to see with our eyes what is to come... but that isn't how it works!  Seeing, for me personally as a woman of faith, becomes something we do with our hearts and maybe a bit with our imagination.  It is trusting that the pieces that are missing right now will indeed be found and put in their right place--and might I add, without fully seeing the end picture!  I call it faith and I can not help but think of Jer. 29:11...

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" (the sentence structure is most assuredly mine as I stink at grammar and that exclamation point is definitely how I feel about this declaration from the Lord).

Thank heavens.  I can REST in that.  Life is most certainly a whirlwind, no?  I mean, as soon as you think you've unwound the mess, you find that it's swirling all around you again with tons of things, once again, up in the air!  It's been like that here for a solid 13 years (that would be my entire parenthood so far)!

All that to say... I won't bore you with the details, but the end results and realizations have been great... and ironically scriptural.  Everyone has an innate need to paint for themselves visions of the future.  With out the future, we start to lose hope.  Without hope, comes depression.  HOPE is essential...  to life, to living...  for mood, for forward movement in life... for productivity and satisfaction.

Stagnation is not a place that the world wants to be.  I do believe our creator made it that way.  Comfort.  Contentment.  Yes, those are "places" that we should try to find our way to.  But believe it or not we can be comfortable and content in the midst of the whirlwind.  In the midst of the ever moving toward a goal.  And I am finding that ability to not simply survive, but to look ahead and begin to paint a picture of a future.  I must say it is life giving, refreshing, joyful!  It's the most obvious step beyond survival mode... that space where sooo much of special needs mothering lives and breathes!

Excited about the steps beyond survival!

Oh the Irony

I don't write as often and in a way I love that... then in a way, of course, I miss it.  So, when I hop on to steal a moment of writing, I check in on my last post.  It's a way of remembering, or putting myself in the position and thoughts/feelings that I was channeling at that time.

Wow.  Just wow.

I was explaining (quite in a manner in which I would speak) the reasons that August really triggers a bit of cynicism and PTSD in me.  But you guys!!! It's half way through September and if I didn't know better, I would definitely think it was August!  Ha!  Except... my mood.  My processing and progress has come so far that what I can and will list for you as the constant barrage of "life" arrows that have been flung at me, hasn't sent me very far in the wrong direction!  I'll break it down.  Here's what I mean.

September was to be such a lovely thing.  A month I had been looking forward to and planning for for so many months!  10 I think.  Longing... longing and dreaming wistfully toward this blessed month!  I could shrug off August cause I wan't much a fan, AND my bday is close enough to September that I could use this nearly free 9 day vacay with my bestie as an excuse to call it my Bday celebration!! Whoop Whoop!  Yes, you read that right.  9 whole days! Out of town!  No kids! Barely any phone service! Oh my word!  She and I had both decided that our entire plan for the vacay time was to eat, sleep, laugh, and read.  Secretly I planned to learn as much as I could!

But it wasn't meant to be.  Hurricane (yes I see the theme) Irma decided she would thwart our plans entirely!  Entirely!  Meaning NO vacay AT ALL. NOTHING!  There is still a smidge of let down in my heart, but just a bit.  There is the thought that I ought to be more frustrated or angry... but I'm not.  It's weird.  But NO that's not all...

Somehow... me the non-outdoorsy type managed to contract Lyme disease from a tick bite just before we were to leave.  The tell-tale bullseye rash appeared and thank heavens for it, cause otherwise I might be dealing with more of a lifelong chronic lyme issue!  But for real!  I don't love sweating in any circumstance.  I don't find a ton of joy doing hiking, fishing, climbing, boating... Something I'm often forcing myself to engage in simply because in my head I know that it is good for my health both physical and mental!  And yet, I somehow managed to acquire a tick from my back yard likely that bit me and caused lyme.  Yes, to heavy antibiotics.  Yes, to careful listening to my body.  Yes to cutting out almost all sugars.  Yes, to that including dairy and gluten.  The only good new here is that I'm crossing my fingers that balancing my body and its alkalinity will allow the spirochetes to die off AND hey, I'll probably lose weight!

I'm good.  I've had all the September I can take!  I look forward to packing in some last minute work cause heaven knows I'm behind!  I look forward to seeing Parkaire friends and family Tuesday... finally.  There is good still to come, but truly if September had turned quickly into October, it wouldn't bother me at this rate!

August... How I loathe thee...

My hubs rocks.  As in, he pays attention and quietly works to show me he hears me and THAT rocks!   I say this because he is forever trying to give me the best August memories ever.  You see, I haven't liked August for awhile.  It's my birthday month and I think it always sort of hit me like everything else as a middle child.  It's supposed to be about me, but never really was... And that went a step further that year when my grandfather died and the funeral was held on my birthday.  It was like the creepiest family reunion and the memories play in my head of member after member still crying and verbalizing their happy birthdays to me.  The oddness of the mixed emotions forever set that into the crumbling stone of my memory.  Years after, my widowed grandmother was remarried on that very same day.  Lovely.  I was growing up and I got to choose a fancy dress and my first set of heels, but then that year it wasn't about me either.  So birthdays continued.

Things seemed to fall apart around my bday maybe just cause it was August and there is a lot of back to school bustle, but none the less, every year there was something.  Hurricane Katrina didn't help August for me either... 6 week old newborn and an evacuation from our home, friends, church, comfort, degrees, jobs, "normal"--even the writing of this triggers a bit.  Again with the love hate.  I remember being in one of my favorite places... my grandmother's home in the fancy room with a slate blue velvet couch and portrait of my dad as a child hung over my bed.  I remember the feel of the linoleum under my feet in her kitchen and the familiar smells.  I remember us all gathering at the breakfast table straining our eyes and neck to see the small kitchen television perched near the ceiling in the eat in space.  And I remember the processing speed slowing down quite a bit when I started to attempt the making sense of yesterday nights going to be conclusions and that morning's realizations.

I was grateful and felt loved being surrounded by so many precious to me and that cake!  My all-time favorite cake that my great grandmother was famous for... My grandmother, without prompting and in secrecy, made that cake for me!  Angel food cake from scratch with fulffy white, egg-whites only icing that was like marshmallow fluff!  (y'all as a side note, if you forget about that last bit of cake and leave it on a plate in the cake holder on top of the fridge for several months, it is concrete... straight up hammer it off the plate concrete)  But the kicker is that I was still send scrambling that year.  Straight into mom of a new born with nowhere to go, mastitis sufferer cause I also didn't have clothes, a home, somewhere to wash.  Hubs was driving hours to work to he could find a permanent job, so I was single newborn parenting in lines for vaccines, for red cross for diapers, assistance in whatever form I could find it!

I remember finally getting to go out alone after the baby was about 4 months.  I needed clothes... that I liked and that fit.  My dad offered to babysit.  I drove to the mall.  Parked the car and started crying.  Crying cause I was finally alone.  Crying cause it had been pushed down and overridden so long due to survival instinct.  I remember wandering the stores and then calling my sister telling her my mind couldn't fathom what to even look at to buy cause I was in brain fog!  It was August.

August is all about the brain fog and this year was no exception.  I literally started the month's August with serious brain fog.  I could tell I was struggling to make actual sense and real distinct intelligent thought,  but I could not find my way out.  Running... fast walking could have helped actually, but hindsight isnt all that helpful in this case.  I struggled with work and getting it done and accomplished.  Still am struggling through August.  I can't even go through last year.  I was quite on the verge of a full mental breakdown last year at this time.  Sooooo many issues with W then.  I cried most of the way to a friend's house 4 hours away one weekend.  Hard to parent these babes and their neurologic difficulties!

This year is better.  It's still August and I'm not loving it.  Not at all.  Been a rocky climb but I have been injured on this trek this year.  W is ticcing... a good bit.  His behavior lacks a great deal of inhibition.  He is blurting...and we watch for copralalia.  We long for structure and order in his schooling and that has been all over the place!  But August will be over soon and September will come.  It WILL ease and we will progress.  This too shall pass.

I don't know what to do with Therapy...

WOH!  Found this in my drafts!  Intense!  It's been a few months since I wrote this.

I LOVE therapy... or at least the idea, purpose, and general outcome of therapy!  In fact, I was studying in my graduate and undergraduate classes toward a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.  And yet...

When it is my turn I almost don't know what to say.  My first private session as of late was awkward for me.  I was floundering around trying to figure out why I was there and what could I say that would be most beneficial.  I suppose I'm not the type of person that is comfortable sitting on the couch and telling you my life story from start to finish.  The truth is that I do a lot of intense purposed processing on my own.  If I'm coming to you for therapy then I desire to get to the seriousness... to the real point pretty quick and get the work started!  BUT... and this is a BIG but... I have to feel safe in a thousand ways on a thousand levels.  This HAS to be pretty common.

I am incredibly intuitive.  I balance my spirit with logic and knowledge, but I trust my spirit a thousand times more because I don't view it as my own spirit, but the Spirit of the Holy One with in me.  I have been able to clearly hear from God for a loooong time (as long as I'm in a spiritually healthy and engaged place).  When there is an intuitive connection its hard to deny.  When I build friendships, there is a certain level of the spiritual intuition that is reached and understood that will send the valued few into my deep friendship circle!

I'd love for my therapist to fall into that category, but we haven't found our way there.  I view her with amazement and respect!  She is incredible at what she does!  But she is an older woman and that alone is a bit of a wall I have to get past.  The kind of woman who certainly knows far more than me!  I'm inclined to just listen and ask for advice rather than do personal work and personal soul searching.  I LOVE her!  I sincerely do.  But I'm having trouble finding my way to my authentic self with her.  But then there is the idea that maybe I'm not sure where my authentic self ends and my polished self begins and what is so bad about the mixture anyway.

I have been challenged by my son's therapist to try harder and take a leap of faith with her.  Trust her with my fully disclosed self.  But I think I fear her reaction or difference of opinion or insight on faith and religion.  I actually LOVE a discussion on theology and differences BUT in therapy this is not ideal.  My understanding and relationship with my creator bleeds into every part of my life.  Hard for me to inspect most parts of myself without finding faith there.

So tonight, I find myself frustrated.  And therapy day can be like that.  I should come to expect it.  Here I sat for nearly 1.5 hours without saying much of anything with true depth.  Yes, I explored things!  I celebrated familial victories, I expressed some worries... but all in all I kept my inner child safe.  And let's talk about that inner child while we're here...

I always kind of thought that whole concept was kind of weird.  I'm good with weird... in fact it's usually a compliment, but in this case I suppose I simply mean that I don't comprehend it or it's reality.  I do get it's purpose to an extent... BUT THEN!  I am listening to Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and my brain gets it for the first time!  Christ says to come to him as a child!  I truly think that my son's therapist brought this up, but I suppose I wasn't in a place to hear it then!  Full faith, no inhibitions.  Like a child... gut wrenching honesty!  For me, this is the purpose of constantly being brought back to the inner child.  I have all but discarded her.  Truly.  I read those verses about growing up in the faith and leaving childish things behind and that was it.  I kissed that "baby" goodbye!  I constantly ridicule her, ignore her, roll my eyes at her.  She annoys me... gets in the way of my mature self.

This is a bigger problem than I realized BECAUSE this is exactly the way I deal with my own children if my anxiety is high or I'm pretty exhausted!  And as I see it, if I can change the way I treat mini-me, then it will spill over into my other relationships!  Love your neighbor as yourself right?!

Twilight Zone

That time your husband offers to drive your son to therapy appts!  I'm so excited though they both seem to also be excited... Even with my ADHD and Executive Dysfunction, I am wondering how they are going to get it all done, but I suppose it's their's to figure out.  So tomorrow, even though most of us are running under the weather... or have a serious case of allergies, I am getting my hair done.

You know that you're a mom when your family is well aware that you will let it ride till your roots look like an intentional ombre hair style, so they get you a prepaid mother's day hair appt! lol!!! So, I will have it done tomorrow!  For that I'm excited.  Since it's prepaid, I guess I'll skip purple... maybe ;-)

But I definitely want to run the errands I never get to like the bank, the post office, office depot for faxing medical insurance things... Never mind that I really need to get a passport!  Maybe Wednesday...

What will I miss most?  Yoga probably... that or mother's group.  I like therapeutic check ins with my sons people.  Seriously... May be a real control thing, but it feels more like a contribution.  Like I'm up to speed and doing all that I can.  I for sure spend a good deal of my life sort of faking it till I make it.  I DO NOT want this special needs parenting thing to be like this.  Could be that I feel like I have something to prove to myself and maybe others, but I want to be seen as on top of it. Intelligent.  if not intellectual.  Beyond capable.  Deep sigh.

Obviously even us moms have our issues.  lol!

Really all I needed to do was hop on here and lament the fact that me, myself, and I will not be going to therapy day tomorrow.  But in all actuality, I'm thrilled that my hubs gets to.  I hope he sees what's going on!  That he is thrilled.  That he gets to check in with Dan Pruitt and feels a connection, some help.  I'm praying it is priceless...

Not Feeling it...

Adulting is not all it's cracked up to be.  I need to remember that when I watch my kid melting into a puddle on the floor over minute things.  What I am expecting is a more "adult" type response... and I am also not always up for that as a task!  Today is one of those examples.

In my defense, I have adulted quite well today.  I have a neuro child or 2 and the 2 of them that struggle the most both seem to be struggling today.  One more than the other.  And I have tried to be reasonable and fairly calm with a smidge of practicality and logical challenge mixed in just for perspective.  But today, even more than usual, I HAD to get things done.  In fact, I still have to get things done--half the reason that I am here in blog land trying to center my spirit a bit before I "go back to work".

But it is 4:12pm.  Dinner is in the crockpot and the kids are watching a movie.  It is oddly quiet and in the quiet stillness is when my body has a moment to rest.  This is when the wave of exhaustion usually washes over me in warmth and strength, sapping what little energy I have left!  Today is no exception.  But there is that bit of angst still smoldering low and hushed within.  When I walk into my Jewelry show tonight, I want to be rid of that monkey.  There is no good reason to be anxious... but mom guilt comes on in this form when the days creep by in difficulty and stretching.

But I am more than capable of handling what comes next.  I firmly said no this morning to yet another activity.  I can't say no to my child's birthday tomorrow lol, but I did try to make it the easiest as possible.  I have a sitter, so I ideally don't have to put small ones to bed.  And then I will have to decide which kind of adult I want to be for the rest of the night.  The one that drinks wine and falls asleep or the one who drinks water so she can read and not fall asleep!  And I get to choose!

Enough patting myself on the back for this pep talk.  On to caffeine and a new outfit.  The older crowds might not appreciate my world market / gypsy style thing i've got going today! 😂😂😂😂😂

Yogi

I have fallen in love.  It IS the oddest thing and then it isn't and I'll unpack that for you.

I have fallen in love with yoga.  When my son is finishing up one of his therapies on most Tuesdays, I attend a yoga class at the clinic.  I have done a very tiny smidge of yoga up until this point.  But I now attend weekly and have gotten my own mat and block for my own space at home.  I have only embarked on my youtube living room yoga 2 times so far, but I am learning and have to begin somewhere.

It is peaceful.  It allows for great release physically and mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes I do it just to bring my inner self back into a center space.  You ever feel like your mood is totally off?  like you just can't get a handle on where you are and getting yourself back to where you should be?  Sounds whacky I know, but yoga helps!!! Truly.  I am a Christ follower, and so I feel as though I much put this out there that this is a great and healthy practice for a Christ follower!  I say that because I know that there are some that are concerned about what the poses mean and who you are meditating upon... You are a free human!  You are capable of meditating on whatever or whomever you choose and one of the things I love MOST is meeting quietly with God in that still place.  I mostly try to completely ease and clear my mind, but when there is a need to reach out to find strength, I set my mind on scripture.  Totally beautiful.  Totally gives me the strength and stamina to hold long difficult poses.

I love yoga!

I started reading up and researching it... that is for another post, but I love that yoga is not just exercise, but a lifestyle of centered healthy choices for your mind and body.  So I suppose I'm on my yogi journey!

And here is why I think this is not all that surprising in the end.  When I was much younger, I danced.  I mean I lost myself in the art AND the discipline of ballet!  I loved challenging both my mind, my art, and my body to do difficult yet beautiful things!! This is not that different!  Hopefully, less damaging to my knees, but definitely not that different.  There is a bit of a circle, a coming back to your love thing going on here that makes me thrilled!

There.  That's all I've got for today!  But seriously... if you need some focus, some stretching, some peace... try it.  You will not regret it!

Angry

I certainly didn't expect processing to make me angry.  I don't know if I've said this before, but I did study well over a year of Marriage and Family Therapy classes between under grad and grad school before I changed my degree plan.  I KNOW and understand factually that this can be part of therapy, but I haven't experienced it.  I may be guilty of a great deal of masking.  I'm not sure.  Still processing through it.  What I think I understand so far is that it's OK to feel mostly anyway and not to negate the feeling or invalidate them... but my very strong adult logic says, it's ridiculous.  It's just feelings and not reality.  Or at least perspective, not actuality... Sigh.  This whole post may literally be an attempt to make sense of all that I'm learning and sorting through.

But I am feeling frustrated and angry.  And seemingly because clinician see the success and plan for a quicker exit than my spirit is ready for!  I should be thrilled... but no.  I'm feeling tricked.  I know it isn't true or likely, but I'm definitely struggling with a trust type thing.  Ugh.  Do these people have the whole picture, do they see it clearly?  Do they understand?  Do they have our family's best interest in mind?  We are healthy enough.  We can figure it out on our own.  Will we then be abandoned for the sicker? The one's who "need it more".  Will they make more $$ off of a different patient?  I struggle with what I logically think is true and what my skeptic and distrust of authority thinks could be a possibility.  Wow.  I didn't even really know what all was in my head and heart.

Sigh.  I wrote those first 2 paragraphs almost 2 weeks ago.  And I got angrier, at least for awhile.  There was a lot of projecting going on.  Things that were buried deep with in that I never let out.  Honestly I didn't see the point. Honestly I still don't see it fully, but I'm becoming more accepting of my feelings and acknowledging them and their difficulty.  I'm oddly mothering myself... which sometimes is exactly what I need.

Heavy processing has gone on the last 2 weeks... things that I won't even put here, but hit me surprisingly.  One thing that I think I already knew but was reminded painfully, is that I don't cut myself slack... and truthfully sometimes I'm that way with my close loved ones also.  My head battles with my heart and my logical adult self basically shames, shuns, and embarrasses my heart led sensitive self and so I dismiss most vulnerabilities as disillusionment or something.  My own insecurity shuts me down.

It's like a pulled a string dangling off a beautiful ribbon and now the entire thing is coming unravelled.  I'd love to pretend it's one thing that I just need to iron out and all will be well, but there seems to come another thing and another.  I LOVE processes, learning more about others and myself, but this deep stuff is a lot of work!  Wonder how it'll all come out on Tuesday in Group?!  Should be interesting... until then.

Therapy is Weird

LOL!! Mom's Group... that I love soooo much, is group therapy.  Yeah.  I suppose I ignored it or was in denial, but that is definitely what it is!  And it is a beautiful kind of hard!  Today was insane in its goodness.  And me as a Christ follower, devout scripture believer, have to weed through the goodness that comes out in cliche and universal type of ways that seems "almost" on point, but that also means slightly off.  So far, my God has been faithful to keep my eyes open to see truth and beauty and to find it's roots in scripture!  But I can see the sorting out I'm doing in my head as I process it all!

Today I acknowledged my inner child.  A concept not altogether unfamiliar, but one I brushed off time and again.  I'm STILL attempting to reconcile her existence still... but none the less she is always there.  Well, crap.  That DOES explain the inner turmoil that we go through with the things we feel and the things we know in our head.  My brain is so smart that it brushes off and discredits that inner child and her feelings.  That explains alot!

I need to say that I love my moms in the group!!! One of them is a bucket of delight and fun and she has a fantastic accent that really reminds me of my favorite brazilian friend who has passed on.  That other mom in group today is THE BEST storyteller.  Her telling of the things she has gone through in her week are always so entertaining!  I get so much joy from her presence in the group!!

When I look back over just the 7 day period that we call a week, last week, sooooo much happen in such a small space!  And though some of it was pretty over the top, I ended up feeling proud of the way that I handled most of it!  That WE handled it, cause my hubs is good at this too ;-)

We did have a med addition as of last Tuesday afternoon.  Amantadine... an odd little flu med from days of old that works to restore some executive function and organized thought.  So far on the half dose, it seems to be sort of helping... LOL only time will tell as these things go.

Lastly, my son's therapist may have mentioned seeing less and less of him as the summer comes!  EEEEK! Legitimately, I'm fearful.  I can't go back to where we've been and I still see the benefit of that weekly support!! Though I should be amazed by his progress, I am personally not ready to send him out into the world undersupported and pray to the good lord that he doesn't fall so heavily to the ground in a complete fail!  But if they have faith, then I will.  I think! ha!  Prayers and direction... Prayers and direction!

Off the Beam

If you've ever heard or read some of Jen Hatmaker's stuff, you have probably heard the discussion of what is going to be taken on or off the beam.  Let me break it down for you right now.  The balance beam.  We are all walking around trying to do and hold onto all this stuff, but life is supposed to have a beautiful balance.  And when it doesn't it knocks us into a very out of sorts space emotionally, spiritually, relationally, even physically.  The whole thing pretty much ends up looking like a nervous break down if left out of sorts or pushed further out of sorts for too long.

Well, I'm about 2 steps from that space... the super unhealthy one.  The part that is keeping me going I think is the knowing that I made at least some of the choices and messes, so surely I can undo some of the problem.  That still remains to be seen.  I'm pretty much maxxed out.  so much so that as I look at my beam to see what can be removed, I can only see the things which would normally bring me so much joy as being the ones I can remove right now.  Um what?  Leave all the stressful pieces and remove the things that would be full of fun?  Yeah that is not a good space.

But fun can be stress too.  My job is a heck of a lot of fun!  But it brings a striving that can get off balance for sure.  What I'm certain I need is 2 fold.  2 weeks of mindless fun with my husband in some place where it is impossible to think of or contact people about the kids!!! AND at least a week or two in my home with out the kids, so that I can bring it back to some sense of balance!  Of course the likelihood that either of those things will happen is pretty slim.

But as I hang on, I do see trips away with people I enjoy in my future.  Away is an escape I realize.  Being real, that is exactly what I'd like.  Away.  I want off this crazy train at least for awhile.  I need a pinch hitter. ha!  Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart!  Parenting a neuro kid or 2... whew!  We are a different breed ladies!  I feel like as we look at one another, their should be some special aura around those of us that are still standing after the invisible (at least to the outside world) battles that we have been fighting. Whew!

I realize this post is mostly speaking straight from my head with very little processing, but we've all been here.  It's ok.  I will find my way to center...eventually.

The Facade

I was the epitome of Mombie today.  I woke with a headache that may or may not have been partyly my fault.  Staying up late watching a movie (which is something I never do) and having alcohol before bed.  It WAS that kind of day yesterday.

But today I woke.  My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20.  I was single parenting AND teaching today.  And there was that headache.  Getting out of the house is a typical battle.  There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance.  Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us.  We are THOSE neighbors.

But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help.  But then there was the every where I look thing.  Every where I looked there was crap.  I mean clutter.  Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes.  It is a hot huge disorganized mess.  There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday.  I'm operating at less than 50% right now.  Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.

And then there was that moment.  The mental wherewithall to say to myself.  If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me!  So I put on the facade.  I mentally slowed down.  I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself.  One at a time till I push through.  As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh.  I doubt that I managed my schedule well.  No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...

Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh.  My zest for life got lost along the way here recently.  I'd like to find it again soon.  If I can muster the energy and the strength.

Martian Mom

If you are the mom of ANY child... but especially one with eccentricities, differences, special needs, whatever you choose to call it, may I suggest that you run (don't walk) to rent, buy, or borrow the movie "Martian Child" starring John Cusack.  Wow.  Just wow.  You see I saw it years ago, and have a fun girl non-crush on most of John Cusack's characters in movies and this one is no exception!

I had forgotten how good it was.  Slightly unrealistic of course, but then, it's a movie.  But Oh so good.  Why are we so desperate for our people, family, kids, etc to fit in.  Be what we expect.  I'm not happy with that cage personally.  I feel trapped or like an outsider cause I refuse the cage altogether.  What if we took the cage away entirely?

Can you tell I'm struggling today with my precious neuro boy.  Do I really want him to be typical?  Am I ok with medicating him so that he can manage a classroom or sitting and doing dull work like the rest of us are expected to do?  I can see how unregulated repetitive building of claw machines (out of boxes and tape which is OH so cool) doesn't fall in the safe and healthy zone...

Why is parenting soooooooo difficult?  Why can't I desire alone time and not feel guilty?  I imagine the day that Precious one can sit through a class day and manage... What in the world would I do with all that time?! Seriously?! I feel like I would sleep for at least the first month straight!!

But on the other spectrum, what if he is not meant to be in school.  What if his place is learning things in an atypical way at home with a teacher (me) who is willing to tailor it to his needs.  Such a difficult row to hoe.  He has to learn to do some things he doesn't like and to be ok with that.  Truthfully, all I can think is that the rest of the world will NOT likely be willing to make adjustments for him.

Martian Child.  They are all a bit Martian... as are we.

Mom's Group

There was a time when the idea of getting up at 5am and leaving my house with my special needs 8 year old seemed like the worst idea!!! Not anymore y'all!  First off, my entire process of getting ready is quiet.  I get to think!  And think only about the things that I choose!  I know right?!  AND!!!! I get to fix myself up!  Like cute outfit with matching jewelry, made up face and actual hair do!  The whole thing immediately makes me feel like a real human person!  I know! I know! Totally worth the loss of an extra hour or so of sleep!

And why do I do all this?  well technically there is more than one reason, but I just needed the pushing of the one to create the other.  So my son needed/ needs an extra therapy session.  More organized and educational if you will.  She is GREAT!  He loves her and responds well with her!  But since I had to get him to her early, I decided to suck it up and put my big girl unders on and deal with it.  30 minutes earlier still and I could attend moms group!  YES! there is a moms group at the Clinic.

Shameless plug for which I get nothing except a healthier community... If you are anywhere in the vicinity of Atlanta and your kid has special needs... PLEASE look up Parkaire Consultants in Marietta!  It may not be for you, but I can assure you that it is worth the exploration!

Now, back to moms group.  Yes, they have a moms group.  And these women are quickly becoming my friends.  It is a group therapy I'm sure.  There are check ins and affirmations!  There is tons of honesty.  There is lots and lots of gleaning.  Most of the moms in there are seasoned (this is my perspective of course) as compared to me, so it is a blessing for me to listen to their stories and see from where they are!  But there are 4 therapists in there also!  Some are in training, lol, but still.  We are well taken care of.  And almost most importantly there is coffee!  Also tea... and usually fruits and nuts.  It's just lovely and refreshing!

So we had moms group first thing!  For a solid 2 hours!! then I went straight to yoga.  It was just right as far and stretching and difficulty.  Then a quick lunch, then therapy check in with our primary therapist.  Then back home!  I got to have a chiropractic visit and talk jewelry with my sitter also a new jeweler!  I threw together the laziest mom dinner ever... but my hubs blessed me with a super fun dinner just for me!  And then after all that... I went to my band practice (which I can hardly call mine as it is primarily being moved along by my co writer and conspirator)!  I wasn't feeling it tonight.  Too tired.  But I pushed through and of course it was lovely!

Life isn't perfect here.  And it isn't even back to normal.  Honestly i've never found a normal!  But There are moments of goodness and joy that we are learning to acknowledge and let in.  We had a pretty difficult week last week in general with frustration and anger.  "I give up" was heard a few too many times... over silly small stuff.  BUT we are moving along.  We aren't accepting failure or defeat, we are pressing forward and learning from our moments.  The challenge of growing an 8 year old that is currently beginning the emotional progress of a 2 or 3 year old is often exhausting, but progress is progress.  I've done toddlers before.  I have several more kids than the one... so we will do it again.

Today, we go for a physical exam with suspicion of a hernia... yes my 8 year old... He is serious about his work outs.  Let's hope it is less than we think and nothing serious.  Heaven knows we don't need anymore things to work through with that one!!

OH this is RICH!

Written several weeks ago and I'm amused... Not where we are now! ha!

"I always knew there would be a point when my anxiety would resolve or at least subside and therapy days would be "normal".  No seriously.  I just knew.  You see for several month I went through this huge adjustment going back to our town post Parkaire days!  I didn't want to leave.  There was such a sense of safety that I was annoyed almost afraid to go home cause a week was just too far off.  Don't get me wrong, we still live for Tuesdays, but the angst has calmed and the habit of it is becoming rather second nature and we talk less of it.

And I'm kind of sad about the fact that it is here NOW?!  I don't think I was ready for this to move so quickly!  But here we are. 2 weeks in a row, fantastic praises to bring to group and therapy.  Perfection!  But still that sense of fear to breathe lest this house of cards come crashing down!  I rarely contact the therapists anymore, cause I don't have tons of questions anymore!"

So things have been "normal"ish...  I've had less angst and less to say I suppose.  I wish that were true this morning.  I think it's partly me, but I am just so done with my son's issues today.  I can't and don't want to do this.  Freaking catering to his issues always.  Feels like trying to swim through an ocean of molasses.  I'm tired out and though I can see some progress there is sooooo much still to go.  And I'm tired!!! Did I mention I'm tired?! ha!  I'm trying to get him to do things that he can do on his own, but his frustration is getting in the way and so he does nothing.  Paralyzed.  puddle of tears over minimal issues.  He asks appropriately for help after whining around and I try to help while he complains and whines and says he can't do it.  He choses not to try.  And then tries to calm himself and pull it back together, just to turn around and do it again.  And right on cue he comes down and says he feels much better... 2 minutes later he's whining and crying.  "I don't want to."

Sherry calls it Mother's honor.  And right now, I'd not like that badge.  I don't.  I am finding it hard to put on my momma cares face.  Maybe I am personally having sensory issues... I don't want to hear my kids constantly asking for me.  Constantly "needing" my help.  Potty training a 3 year old isn't helping either.  I'm tired of the smell of pee.  I'm weary of negativity.  I am a positive person.  But this situation that I'm living in is wearing me down right now.  I know that I need a break and I see it in the future, but I'm trying to figure out how I am going to make it to April 20th when the hubs and I get away by ourselves!!

Respite care.  I know I know.  But where?  and how?  Me first sometimes... I know that too.  I'm just not sure how to make it happen.  I'm going to the chiropractor, but I have to bring my son cause he's with me always.  Deep sigh.  I need to dig deep for today... I need to find my turquoise colored glasses.  The TS+ glasses that let me see from his side today in order for me to pull us both through. Momma prayers for me and the son today.  Thanks!

Been down but not out!

y'all!  My husband did this amazing thing!  He linked ALL our electronics into this program that sets parameters on usage.  Mostly so the kids can't happen upon something inappropriate.  Also because they don't self regulate and one is CLEARLY struggling with being addicted to electronics.  ALSO, because my son's OCD sneaks in easily with Youtube.  He's just not there yet for self monitoring.  And let's be real.  I can't just wander from child to child to see what they are doing all day.  I have my own stuff to do!  It's all great until...

I have tried to get on and post a blog for a week and finally realized that my work computer was lumped into the wrong category and I couldn't access blogspot!  Ha!  My hubs didn't even know I had a blog I don't think.  It's sort of just a non-event.  Maybe one day it'll find the right people, those other parents or grown ups who need to feel a connection with someone who has and is also going through it with Tourrette's, OCD, ADHD, mood disorders...  It can certainly be very draining!  But for now, it just sits quietly on the internet... happily let free from my own head.  It's cathartic, what can I say?!

So we are still here.  We had this magical week wherein I didn't want to breathe for fear everything would go back to the way it was... You know what?  It did and it didn't.  I know!  not helpful, but hear me out!  So, the moods and cranky uncooperation did return, just to a lesser degree.  The battles are there, just not as intense and constant.  Like a mentioned to his main therapist, you really can't nor should you try to medicate the issues out of him.  How would he learn to self regulate?  All he would learn is that I can take a pill for all my problems and this CAN lead to problems for sure down the road.  One clinician mentioned upping his meds next month and I can see that, but the other said they like him where he is.  I see that too!  I suppose another month and time will tell!

So we trek along.  We stink it up often regarding our sensory homework.  I long for better consistency and I never stop trying, but so far, it's still a struggle.  And I can tell a difference!  I wish I couldn't.  I really do.  I wish it was no different those days that I remember to take breathing breaks with my son and do the full body squeeze, cause honestly that would give me an excuse to skip.  A reason to let go of that effort.  But, I can definitely tell a difference.  He is more "neuro typical" when he gets that sensory input in.  BUT I STILL find it hard to work in. Sigh.  Us momma's we aren't perfect.

Can I just say... I am on lexapro and I let the Dr. up it cause as much of an improvement as I could see, I really felt like there could be more.  And you know what? that instinct was on point!  Seriously.  The light is coming back into my face... and it had crept away so slowly that I didn't really even notice!  But what I am noticing now is the feeling of a smile!  And how much more often and more easily they come!  I'm noticing playfulness with my spouse and kids that I guess had disappeared!  I am noticing because of its rarity the feelings of tension and anxiousness!  It is beautiful.  I know all about being present in the moment.  But I never fully felt like I was that good at it.  Tonight as my brood devoured mexican at a restaurant, the smallest member of the 6 of us sound asleep, limp in my arms as I ate, I took it all in.  The craze of it.  The joy of it.  The sweetness of the moment, I attempted to intentionally log in my brain that has its own form of memory issues.  I loved it and I rarely LOVE eating out.  It truly is such a chore with a large family!

We are not in the clear.  But we are in a great place.  We are working and we are each week looking toward the next therapy day!  But we are pressing in!  I am meeting in a moms group, and though I have not fully gelled with the moms there yet (mostly cause their issues are so different from ours since their kids are significantly older than mine) I am finding ways to make the connections and let them benefit out lives here!  Some of their advice has even worked with potty training my 3 year old lol!  And that is huge if we are headed toward actual real pre-school next year!  It's a must really.

Send positive thoughts and prayers this way on Tuesday as we try and solidify insurance things with my hubs and the company!  This could be a huge financial blessing on our journey!  I will likely do a post on that next so stay tuned!  There were for suer moments of desperation regarding finances and our son's special needs!! Heads up ladies!  We are not finished yet!  The world hasn't seen the half of what we bring to the table!  We aren't just mommas!! We are mother superiors!!

When the calm rolls in...

I haven't felt the urgency to blog for quite a few more days than usual!  This is both weird and great for this reason; I think it is a sign that I am less anxious.  If anyone else has been through this with their child AND then themselves, you kind of go through this thing.  I'll map it out for ya.

In the beginning there never was normal... at least not that you can really remember.  Your family's version of normal begins to wear on you.  What never really worked is getting worse and worse till there is a point where you look at your hubs and say, "Either he needs help or I do!"  And this will begin the stirring of the pot.  Please note that this is not a bad thing.  It will actually be a good thing in the long run, but change is uncomfortable.  And in the case of our neurology it can be sort of volatile for a while.  Our kids don't like change on a WHOLE other level.  So there is lash out.  If you are the mom or the primary care giver, you will be on the receiving end of most of it.  It's the blessing of closeness and safety that makes you the target.  

Things will get worse and moderately better and worse again.  And you will go through the cycle a bit as you try to find what works for your family!  But eventually you will find a sweet spot and you will dig in your heals.  I can't promise that you will get to stay in that one spot forever, but maybe you will get the blessing of finding a healthy place where everyone can smile and breathe a bit.  Maybe just maybe you can stay in that place for long enough that you regain hope and strength, maybe even rest!  I can't tell you how this progresses cause I haven't gone any further!  But I can shout with celebration that we have found our way to this sandbar!

My friend, a fantastic super strong swimmer, relayed this story from her child hood which all the while she likely didn't realize that I was replaying it in my mind on an entirely more metaphorical level!  She was enlightening my son (because he once had a bit of an obsession with sharks), that she had made dangerous contact with a shark merely by accident and had swam for her life after cutting her foot on a part of his front.  She had made it to a sand bar in the nick of time and was rescued by people on jet skis from there!  All I could think about was how, even though I knew we weren't to the shore yet, we were currently safely on a sand bar!

For that I can be grateful.  I can celebrate the small victories!  We didn't drown!  In August, we were actively drowning.  It was literally getting harder and harder for me to breathe and harder and harder to think logically or in a life saving manner, because I was running out of oxygen.  I was on the edge of panic.  In my head, my human brain and my animal brain were in a fight to the death.  That is not where I am now.  That is not where my son is today.  Today we are 3 days into planned behavior, self regulation, intentionality in his responses and actions!

When the calm rolls in, I spend less time here.  I'm enjoying the life I thought I would have.  But I wanted to come here and spread hope!  Hope that you too will find yourself to a sandbar! In the words of Dory the fish, Just keep swimming parent!  Just keep swimming.

Colonel Mom

Mean mom.  Sigh.  Y'all go ahead and join the club.  I didn't start it and I won't be the last standing member.  Gotta do what we gotta do.  You know kid, you aren't supposed to be my bestie.  The faster you learn it, the more peaceful our living together will be.  If I had known it was going to be like that today, I'd have started a tally system... set a goal to see how many times you would call me mean!  Maybe reward myself with a bubble bath when we hit our mark?!  I love a good reward system.

Well I think it's pretty common with "our" kids for us parents to start to slip on what we will and won't stand for in our environment.  Truth be told, we are TIRED! Am I right?!  For real.  When I say that the 3 year old pushing every boundary thing lasted 2 full years if it isn't still going a good 5 + years later!!!  Y'all I did my first in that full on 3 year old fight stage for almost exactly 6 months.  It was textbook.  I promise.  I even went to the library and checked out a book and followed it.  And it worked!  Well supernanny!  That's a wrap.  We rock as parents and we've got this in the bag!!

NOT!!!

I wish that was true.  But #2 was a boy and #2 was a surprise... I mean I was there for my annual visit and had literally the weekend before sold off all the baby and maternity things!  I was going to ask about an IUD.  Yeah.  Ummm... But he was a delightful baby!  Big.  But nothing about his emotional growth was "normal" once we hit 3.  That's when the tics started.  Deep head bending blinking.  And my hubs noticed it before I did!  I mean it's not like I stayed home with him daily, but he noticed it first!  Pffft!  So we watched and waited.  We mentioned it at our well visit.  Watch and wait he says.  Very common transient tic disorder... should go away.  Well it didn't go away.  In fact, vocalizations came next.  A gasping very disturbing, grating sound came.  The first time I noticed it we were in the car and I immediately worried that he was choking.

Then came the explaining, first to him and then to everyone else, teachers/childcare workers, etc!  But we began to notice that his behavior was significantly more erratic when his tics were more severe.  Wish we had known then what we know now!  But that's not usually how it works.

So it came that we did this managing on our own without a ton of support and help.  But I will say that consistency is not my forte.  I can do it for a push.  A season of focus... then I tire.  And truthfully, when I'm tired my patience is shorter and I yell more often.  Not my favorite trait but real none the less.

NO EMOTION... EVEN KEEL.  This is what I was told by the therapist.  To be very real it may have been suggested that I over react (let the records show that this is only true some of the time and that by over react he literally meant pay attention to and show emotion toward my kids behaviors--he did not mean screaming, pacing, throwing things etc.)  Apparently my kids feed off of my response and continue behaviors that I abhor.  Not that this is a surprise... I'm just thinking that as much as I ignore their reactions and over the top dramas, I just figured they were barely paying attention to my low key minor reactions.  Apparently I needed to work on my poker face!  And so I work on it.  I get it wrong lots, but I get it right also!!  And you already know I'm not a quitter!

So Colonel Mom is living here currently.  Some unacceptable disrespectful things had snuck in and been ignored.  But that won't work.  You can't trust someone that you don't respect.  And my son has trust issues.  He NEEDS to know for sure who is in charge.  Helps ground him and keep his behavior in check!  Does his neuro get in the way? sure.  But there are consequences.  The world is not going to care about his neurology.  They won't.  So I'm not doing him any favors by coddling him.  I'm going to love him like crazy and be his biggest cheerleader.  I'll cry with him too, but just for a time and then I will push him to get up again and have another go!  Hard is worth doing.  Nobody likes hard.  We all want easy, BUT there is a fantastic satisfaction in accomplishing hard things!  A pride and confidence.  And heavens he needs that.

Mean moms unite! The club is legit and you NEED to be a part of it.  Our children NEED us to be their mean moms.  Well their moms at least ;-) and not their friends.

The Good with the Bad

It's easy for me to dump my "feelings" and processing here on my blog and not be concerned with how ugly or pretty it is.  After all, it's simply a diary of sorts right?  Well know this.  There are goods that come alongside the difficulties.  And yes, the Lord interrupts me in my processing to remind me of them. So I will in turn remind you.

We had a great day.  One of my anxieties on Tuesday came with the thought of entering my son into public school.  But I was afraid... of where he is academically.  Is it up to par?  Would he be able to transition with at least the ease of being in the same place with learning that the other children are?  In theory, if he needed to repeat a grade, he could!  By adulthood, no one cares how old you were when you graduated...

But then came beautiful Wednesday.  We started in on schooling, and he was whining.  And I patiently had a succinct talk with him about roles that all of us play in our family, society, etc.  That his job right now is to do school.  That his sisters were busy doing their school.  That his friends were doing the same.  We talked about how if you buckle down on it now, one day the goal is to be able to afford to pay people to do the things you don't like to do!  Right?!  I mean really that IS the goal that I'M still working towards! LOL!

He listened.  Legitimately listened.  He did his work with very little complaining. He doubled up on that work!  Even more intense!  He did Math and Language Arts.  Took a break outside to build an obstacle course and run it several times.  Then he did Math and Language Arts again.  I was able to sit behind him and work my own business all the while checking in on him.

And parents!  I allowed myself to be proud of where he is and the job that I have done up to this point!  I realized that though he may be slightly behind, it isn't by much and it's within reach.  A goal is a beautiful motivation for this mama!  So I rested.  That doesn't mean I didn't do anything else...in fact, I did tons of work personally yesterday!  But I let my angst rest.

No i didn't do it perfectly.  One would think I had far less stress and anxiety post meds and including breathing.  Not to mention that personal work success feeds that need within my spirit as well, but the anxiety is still there and the physical manifestations of it are there as well.  It IS better post lexapro, but maybe we haven't found that sweet spot.

But for now, we are going to rest in the success!  AND I saw truly for the first time just how much support Parkaire has for their patients!  Seriously y'all.  It's the stuff of dreams and prayers.  I have to drive 2.5 hours both ways, spend hours that day in appts, pay a wad of cash each time, BUT that's not it.  I ONLY have to drive 2.5 hours.  The ride is peaceful.  There is joy in OT.  There is peace and respite for me as a mom.  There is help and hope and they desperately seek to work us all in on 1 day so we don't have to drive so far, so often.  They meet together once a week; the therapists, clinicians, educators, OT's... they are in close and constant contact with the psychiatrist and they are on the ball.  If I message, they respond quickly. They are working specifically to help us as a family and to move us into a place of success!  It is beautiful.

So Next week... this makes me both excited and sick to my stomach with angst, but we begin the shifting of appts.  Full session with new OT gal, lunch break, me with Sherry and son with his therapist.  I WILL say that the thought of spending an hour one on one with Sherry is overwhelming.  I am certain I will be under prepared and not know what to say or where to begin, but the good news is that she's been doing it so long, this will be nothing new to her.  And in the worst but best way, it will be good for me.  I know myself.  I lack intrinsic motivation.  I do not plan well.  I find it extremely difficult and overwhelming.  I try.  This is my strength.  I never quit.  I always jump back up and try again! Always.  LOL so I suppose I'm certain either I will get chided for not being as organized or prepared somehow, or that she's being nice because I deserve to be chided.  (Please note it's highly unlikely she will look at me without anything but acceptance, she's good like that, but this is what my mean head is trying to tell me.)  She is OCD.  No I mean legitimately.  And getting things done and organized is her strength, so we will be oppositely matched in the best way.  At any rate I'm always up for a challenge cause challenge brings growth!

Then we start solidifying the remainder of the changes.  The following week may start the super early rising and the moms group.  The beginning of yet another therapist for my son to meet first dealing specifically with organizational behaviors and classroom expectations.  She will certainly provide very specific therapy for social growth and needs.  Then OT for sensories, then half an hour for our lunch break, then he does Psycho therapy and I see Sherry for mom support.  Wow! Takes 7 dr/therapists to keep us in check.  Thank goodness the Lord has provided us both the means and the place to do this!

Godspeed to all those on this journey with us!!