Angry

I certainly didn't expect processing to make me angry.  I don't know if I've said this before, but I did study well over a year of Marriage and Family Therapy classes between under grad and grad school before I changed my degree plan.  I KNOW and understand factually that this can be part of therapy, but I haven't experienced it.  I may be guilty of a great deal of masking.  I'm not sure.  Still processing through it.  What I think I understand so far is that it's OK to feel mostly anyway and not to negate the feeling or invalidate them... but my very strong adult logic says, it's ridiculous.  It's just feelings and not reality.  Or at least perspective, not actuality... Sigh.  This whole post may literally be an attempt to make sense of all that I'm learning and sorting through.

But I am feeling frustrated and angry.  And seemingly because clinician see the success and plan for a quicker exit than my spirit is ready for!  I should be thrilled... but no.  I'm feeling tricked.  I know it isn't true or likely, but I'm definitely struggling with a trust type thing.  Ugh.  Do these people have the whole picture, do they see it clearly?  Do they understand?  Do they have our family's best interest in mind?  We are healthy enough.  We can figure it out on our own.  Will we then be abandoned for the sicker? The one's who "need it more".  Will they make more $$ off of a different patient?  I struggle with what I logically think is true and what my skeptic and distrust of authority thinks could be a possibility.  Wow.  I didn't even really know what all was in my head and heart.

Sigh.  I wrote those first 2 paragraphs almost 2 weeks ago.  And I got angrier, at least for awhile.  There was a lot of projecting going on.  Things that were buried deep with in that I never let out.  Honestly I didn't see the point. Honestly I still don't see it fully, but I'm becoming more accepting of my feelings and acknowledging them and their difficulty.  I'm oddly mothering myself... which sometimes is exactly what I need.

Heavy processing has gone on the last 2 weeks... things that I won't even put here, but hit me surprisingly.  One thing that I think I already knew but was reminded painfully, is that I don't cut myself slack... and truthfully sometimes I'm that way with my close loved ones also.  My head battles with my heart and my logical adult self basically shames, shuns, and embarrasses my heart led sensitive self and so I dismiss most vulnerabilities as disillusionment or something.  My own insecurity shuts me down.

It's like a pulled a string dangling off a beautiful ribbon and now the entire thing is coming unravelled.  I'd love to pretend it's one thing that I just need to iron out and all will be well, but there seems to come another thing and another.  I LOVE processes, learning more about others and myself, but this deep stuff is a lot of work!  Wonder how it'll all come out on Tuesday in Group?!  Should be interesting... until then.

Therapy is Weird

LOL!! Mom's Group... that I love soooo much, is group therapy.  Yeah.  I suppose I ignored it or was in denial, but that is definitely what it is!  And it is a beautiful kind of hard!  Today was insane in its goodness.  And me as a Christ follower, devout scripture believer, have to weed through the goodness that comes out in cliche and universal type of ways that seems "almost" on point, but that also means slightly off.  So far, my God has been faithful to keep my eyes open to see truth and beauty and to find it's roots in scripture!  But I can see the sorting out I'm doing in my head as I process it all!

Today I acknowledged my inner child.  A concept not altogether unfamiliar, but one I brushed off time and again.  I'm STILL attempting to reconcile her existence still... but none the less she is always there.  Well, crap.  That DOES explain the inner turmoil that we go through with the things we feel and the things we know in our head.  My brain is so smart that it brushes off and discredits that inner child and her feelings.  That explains alot!

I need to say that I love my moms in the group!!! One of them is a bucket of delight and fun and she has a fantastic accent that really reminds me of my favorite brazilian friend who has passed on.  That other mom in group today is THE BEST storyteller.  Her telling of the things she has gone through in her week are always so entertaining!  I get so much joy from her presence in the group!!

When I look back over just the 7 day period that we call a week, last week, sooooo much happen in such a small space!  And though some of it was pretty over the top, I ended up feeling proud of the way that I handled most of it!  That WE handled it, cause my hubs is good at this too ;-)

We did have a med addition as of last Tuesday afternoon.  Amantadine... an odd little flu med from days of old that works to restore some executive function and organized thought.  So far on the half dose, it seems to be sort of helping... LOL only time will tell as these things go.

Lastly, my son's therapist may have mentioned seeing less and less of him as the summer comes!  EEEEK! Legitimately, I'm fearful.  I can't go back to where we've been and I still see the benefit of that weekly support!! Though I should be amazed by his progress, I am personally not ready to send him out into the world undersupported and pray to the good lord that he doesn't fall so heavily to the ground in a complete fail!  But if they have faith, then I will.  I think! ha!  Prayers and direction... Prayers and direction!