Angry

I certainly didn't expect processing to make me angry.  I don't know if I've said this before, but I did study well over a year of Marriage and Family Therapy classes between under grad and grad school before I changed my degree plan.  I KNOW and understand factually that this can be part of therapy, but I haven't experienced it.  I may be guilty of a great deal of masking.  I'm not sure.  Still processing through it.  What I think I understand so far is that it's OK to feel mostly anyway and not to negate the feeling or invalidate them... but my very strong adult logic says, it's ridiculous.  It's just feelings and not reality.  Or at least perspective, not actuality... Sigh.  This whole post may literally be an attempt to make sense of all that I'm learning and sorting through.

But I am feeling frustrated and angry.  And seemingly because clinician see the success and plan for a quicker exit than my spirit is ready for!  I should be thrilled... but no.  I'm feeling tricked.  I know it isn't true or likely, but I'm definitely struggling with a trust type thing.  Ugh.  Do these people have the whole picture, do they see it clearly?  Do they understand?  Do they have our family's best interest in mind?  We are healthy enough.  We can figure it out on our own.  Will we then be abandoned for the sicker? The one's who "need it more".  Will they make more $$ off of a different patient?  I struggle with what I logically think is true and what my skeptic and distrust of authority thinks could be a possibility.  Wow.  I didn't even really know what all was in my head and heart.

Sigh.  I wrote those first 2 paragraphs almost 2 weeks ago.  And I got angrier, at least for awhile.  There was a lot of projecting going on.  Things that were buried deep with in that I never let out.  Honestly I didn't see the point. Honestly I still don't see it fully, but I'm becoming more accepting of my feelings and acknowledging them and their difficulty.  I'm oddly mothering myself... which sometimes is exactly what I need.

Heavy processing has gone on the last 2 weeks... things that I won't even put here, but hit me surprisingly.  One thing that I think I already knew but was reminded painfully, is that I don't cut myself slack... and truthfully sometimes I'm that way with my close loved ones also.  My head battles with my heart and my logical adult self basically shames, shuns, and embarrasses my heart led sensitive self and so I dismiss most vulnerabilities as disillusionment or something.  My own insecurity shuts me down.

It's like a pulled a string dangling off a beautiful ribbon and now the entire thing is coming unravelled.  I'd love to pretend it's one thing that I just need to iron out and all will be well, but there seems to come another thing and another.  I LOVE processes, learning more about others and myself, but this deep stuff is a lot of work!  Wonder how it'll all come out on Tuesday in Group?!  Should be interesting... until then.