When the calm rolls in...

I haven't felt the urgency to blog for quite a few more days than usual!  This is both weird and great for this reason; I think it is a sign that I am less anxious.  If anyone else has been through this with their child AND then themselves, you kind of go through this thing.  I'll map it out for ya.

In the beginning there never was normal... at least not that you can really remember.  Your family's version of normal begins to wear on you.  What never really worked is getting worse and worse till there is a point where you look at your hubs and say, "Either he needs help or I do!"  And this will begin the stirring of the pot.  Please note that this is not a bad thing.  It will actually be a good thing in the long run, but change is uncomfortable.  And in the case of our neurology it can be sort of volatile for a while.  Our kids don't like change on a WHOLE other level.  So there is lash out.  If you are the mom or the primary care giver, you will be on the receiving end of most of it.  It's the blessing of closeness and safety that makes you the target.  

Things will get worse and moderately better and worse again.  And you will go through the cycle a bit as you try to find what works for your family!  But eventually you will find a sweet spot and you will dig in your heals.  I can't promise that you will get to stay in that one spot forever, but maybe you will get the blessing of finding a healthy place where everyone can smile and breathe a bit.  Maybe just maybe you can stay in that place for long enough that you regain hope and strength, maybe even rest!  I can't tell you how this progresses cause I haven't gone any further!  But I can shout with celebration that we have found our way to this sandbar!

My friend, a fantastic super strong swimmer, relayed this story from her child hood which all the while she likely didn't realize that I was replaying it in my mind on an entirely more metaphorical level!  She was enlightening my son (because he once had a bit of an obsession with sharks), that she had made dangerous contact with a shark merely by accident and had swam for her life after cutting her foot on a part of his front.  She had made it to a sand bar in the nick of time and was rescued by people on jet skis from there!  All I could think about was how, even though I knew we weren't to the shore yet, we were currently safely on a sand bar!

For that I can be grateful.  I can celebrate the small victories!  We didn't drown!  In August, we were actively drowning.  It was literally getting harder and harder for me to breathe and harder and harder to think logically or in a life saving manner, because I was running out of oxygen.  I was on the edge of panic.  In my head, my human brain and my animal brain were in a fight to the death.  That is not where I am now.  That is not where my son is today.  Today we are 3 days into planned behavior, self regulation, intentionality in his responses and actions!

When the calm rolls in, I spend less time here.  I'm enjoying the life I thought I would have.  But I wanted to come here and spread hope!  Hope that you too will find yourself to a sandbar! In the words of Dory the fish, Just keep swimming parent!  Just keep swimming.

Colonel Mom

Mean mom.  Sigh.  Y'all go ahead and join the club.  I didn't start it and I won't be the last standing member.  Gotta do what we gotta do.  You know kid, you aren't supposed to be my bestie.  The faster you learn it, the more peaceful our living together will be.  If I had known it was going to be like that today, I'd have started a tally system... set a goal to see how many times you would call me mean!  Maybe reward myself with a bubble bath when we hit our mark?!  I love a good reward system.

Well I think it's pretty common with "our" kids for us parents to start to slip on what we will and won't stand for in our environment.  Truth be told, we are TIRED! Am I right?!  For real.  When I say that the 3 year old pushing every boundary thing lasted 2 full years if it isn't still going a good 5 + years later!!!  Y'all I did my first in that full on 3 year old fight stage for almost exactly 6 months.  It was textbook.  I promise.  I even went to the library and checked out a book and followed it.  And it worked!  Well supernanny!  That's a wrap.  We rock as parents and we've got this in the bag!!

NOT!!!

I wish that was true.  But #2 was a boy and #2 was a surprise... I mean I was there for my annual visit and had literally the weekend before sold off all the baby and maternity things!  I was going to ask about an IUD.  Yeah.  Ummm... But he was a delightful baby!  Big.  But nothing about his emotional growth was "normal" once we hit 3.  That's when the tics started.  Deep head bending blinking.  And my hubs noticed it before I did!  I mean it's not like I stayed home with him daily, but he noticed it first!  Pffft!  So we watched and waited.  We mentioned it at our well visit.  Watch and wait he says.  Very common transient tic disorder... should go away.  Well it didn't go away.  In fact, vocalizations came next.  A gasping very disturbing, grating sound came.  The first time I noticed it we were in the car and I immediately worried that he was choking.

Then came the explaining, first to him and then to everyone else, teachers/childcare workers, etc!  But we began to notice that his behavior was significantly more erratic when his tics were more severe.  Wish we had known then what we know now!  But that's not usually how it works.

So it came that we did this managing on our own without a ton of support and help.  But I will say that consistency is not my forte.  I can do it for a push.  A season of focus... then I tire.  And truthfully, when I'm tired my patience is shorter and I yell more often.  Not my favorite trait but real none the less.

NO EMOTION... EVEN KEEL.  This is what I was told by the therapist.  To be very real it may have been suggested that I over react (let the records show that this is only true some of the time and that by over react he literally meant pay attention to and show emotion toward my kids behaviors--he did not mean screaming, pacing, throwing things etc.)  Apparently my kids feed off of my response and continue behaviors that I abhor.  Not that this is a surprise... I'm just thinking that as much as I ignore their reactions and over the top dramas, I just figured they were barely paying attention to my low key minor reactions.  Apparently I needed to work on my poker face!  And so I work on it.  I get it wrong lots, but I get it right also!!  And you already know I'm not a quitter!

So Colonel Mom is living here currently.  Some unacceptable disrespectful things had snuck in and been ignored.  But that won't work.  You can't trust someone that you don't respect.  And my son has trust issues.  He NEEDS to know for sure who is in charge.  Helps ground him and keep his behavior in check!  Does his neuro get in the way? sure.  But there are consequences.  The world is not going to care about his neurology.  They won't.  So I'm not doing him any favors by coddling him.  I'm going to love him like crazy and be his biggest cheerleader.  I'll cry with him too, but just for a time and then I will push him to get up again and have another go!  Hard is worth doing.  Nobody likes hard.  We all want easy, BUT there is a fantastic satisfaction in accomplishing hard things!  A pride and confidence.  And heavens he needs that.

Mean moms unite! The club is legit and you NEED to be a part of it.  Our children NEED us to be their mean moms.  Well their moms at least ;-) and not their friends.

The Good with the Bad

It's easy for me to dump my "feelings" and processing here on my blog and not be concerned with how ugly or pretty it is.  After all, it's simply a diary of sorts right?  Well know this.  There are goods that come alongside the difficulties.  And yes, the Lord interrupts me in my processing to remind me of them. So I will in turn remind you.

We had a great day.  One of my anxieties on Tuesday came with the thought of entering my son into public school.  But I was afraid... of where he is academically.  Is it up to par?  Would he be able to transition with at least the ease of being in the same place with learning that the other children are?  In theory, if he needed to repeat a grade, he could!  By adulthood, no one cares how old you were when you graduated...

But then came beautiful Wednesday.  We started in on schooling, and he was whining.  And I patiently had a succinct talk with him about roles that all of us play in our family, society, etc.  That his job right now is to do school.  That his sisters were busy doing their school.  That his friends were doing the same.  We talked about how if you buckle down on it now, one day the goal is to be able to afford to pay people to do the things you don't like to do!  Right?!  I mean really that IS the goal that I'M still working towards! LOL!

He listened.  Legitimately listened.  He did his work with very little complaining. He doubled up on that work!  Even more intense!  He did Math and Language Arts.  Took a break outside to build an obstacle course and run it several times.  Then he did Math and Language Arts again.  I was able to sit behind him and work my own business all the while checking in on him.

And parents!  I allowed myself to be proud of where he is and the job that I have done up to this point!  I realized that though he may be slightly behind, it isn't by much and it's within reach.  A goal is a beautiful motivation for this mama!  So I rested.  That doesn't mean I didn't do anything else...in fact, I did tons of work personally yesterday!  But I let my angst rest.

No i didn't do it perfectly.  One would think I had far less stress and anxiety post meds and including breathing.  Not to mention that personal work success feeds that need within my spirit as well, but the anxiety is still there and the physical manifestations of it are there as well.  It IS better post lexapro, but maybe we haven't found that sweet spot.

But for now, we are going to rest in the success!  AND I saw truly for the first time just how much support Parkaire has for their patients!  Seriously y'all.  It's the stuff of dreams and prayers.  I have to drive 2.5 hours both ways, spend hours that day in appts, pay a wad of cash each time, BUT that's not it.  I ONLY have to drive 2.5 hours.  The ride is peaceful.  There is joy in OT.  There is peace and respite for me as a mom.  There is help and hope and they desperately seek to work us all in on 1 day so we don't have to drive so far, so often.  They meet together once a week; the therapists, clinicians, educators, OT's... they are in close and constant contact with the psychiatrist and they are on the ball.  If I message, they respond quickly. They are working specifically to help us as a family and to move us into a place of success!  It is beautiful.

So Next week... this makes me both excited and sick to my stomach with angst, but we begin the shifting of appts.  Full session with new OT gal, lunch break, me with Sherry and son with his therapist.  I WILL say that the thought of spending an hour one on one with Sherry is overwhelming.  I am certain I will be under prepared and not know what to say or where to begin, but the good news is that she's been doing it so long, this will be nothing new to her.  And in the worst but best way, it will be good for me.  I know myself.  I lack intrinsic motivation.  I do not plan well.  I find it extremely difficult and overwhelming.  I try.  This is my strength.  I never quit.  I always jump back up and try again! Always.  LOL so I suppose I'm certain either I will get chided for not being as organized or prepared somehow, or that she's being nice because I deserve to be chided.  (Please note it's highly unlikely she will look at me without anything but acceptance, she's good like that, but this is what my mean head is trying to tell me.)  She is OCD.  No I mean legitimately.  And getting things done and organized is her strength, so we will be oppositely matched in the best way.  At any rate I'm always up for a challenge cause challenge brings growth!

Then we start solidifying the remainder of the changes.  The following week may start the super early rising and the moms group.  The beginning of yet another therapist for my son to meet first dealing specifically with organizational behaviors and classroom expectations.  She will certainly provide very specific therapy for social growth and needs.  Then OT for sensories, then half an hour for our lunch break, then he does Psycho therapy and I see Sherry for mom support.  Wow! Takes 7 dr/therapists to keep us in check.  Thank goodness the Lord has provided us both the means and the place to do this!

Godspeed to all those on this journey with us!!

Fooled

Never trust your feelings... I'm serious.  Don't.  Not till you've weighed them against everything else.  I don't know about you but personally my head and heart are often not quite on the same page.  And thank heavens I have learned that I'm highly intuitive, cause that allows me to be more discerning with the use of my heart.  I also like to think that I'm pretty self aware.  Somewhere inside me and all my idealism is a realist.  I promise.

Today was to be "normal".  We were at the beginning of a solidified schedule for our Tuesday!  This is a big success for a mom who has her own executive functioning issues and a son that has none whatsoever!  I had solidified dinner being provided by my sister.  I had solidified a permanent sitter and arrangement for the 3 ladies (my daughters--all with different schedules).  Y'all it took a solid 6 people to just get my people to and from where they were and where they needed to be AND get us all fed!  So, when "they" say it takes a village... It truly does in our case.  I was underwhelmed by it, thinking it to be the first of likely many to be very uneventful for me as the mom.  Boy was I wrong.

We made it to ATL with no minutes to spare.  Met the new OT who was pleasant and fun.  But that involved a bit of introduction and discussion.  Potty breaks, water breaks.  Finally sat down for maybe 30 minutes if I was lucky of reading and a smidge of Premier work on the phone.  Then off for lunch break which DID at least result in a full set of the books we wanted to get the boy!! Score!  Back to Psycho therapy which immediately involved me.  I tried not to take too much time cause it is for sure for my son, but he does not report well, so the therapist relies on me currently to tell him what's going on.  And I told him.  The good days and the bad.  And we had a few of each this week.

I remembered to tell him about how my son seems lost... like he's just floating around with no direction.  Nothing that really interests him or drives him other than the things his obsessions introduce.  This has become painfully aware.  He is having less issues with odd obsessions but is getting quite frustrated and angry with his inability to redirect to a new line of thought.  I don't know what to think of it really.

Therapist acknowledged that we are dealing with a mood disorder in there somewhere... duh!  But he reaffirmed my place as the mom of the house and that my job as disciplinarian is still extremely important.  Sometimes you just need someone to validate what you already know to be right.  Then came that question... that one about how structured are his days... Y'all. DEEP deep sigh.  Ignore mom guilt... and answer was of course, "not very."  Because to be honest, I have done many a thing to attempt to insure structure, but it doesn't seem to remain consistent.

We have a weekly schedule.  It should be the same every week at least (daily is out of the question).  But everytime I turn around, my other kids in school have some holiday!  Seriously!  How can I keep our homeschool schedule when the others are missing days and all up in our space?  So schedule is Monday--homeschool math and reading/language arts on the computer (mom teaches music to preschool 10-12) Tuesday go to Parkaire all day (play math and english in app games, sometimes listen to history), Wednesday is co-op for history based art and music appreciation (observes math games) wednesday nights AWANA program at church (scripture memory program with social interaction), Thursday--homeschool at home, Friday--homeschool at home

See... not that bad.  But I'm not sure it is structured enough for him and I'm not sure public school wouldn't be too structured.  Oh the joys of not really fitting anywhere...

At it again

Seemed like a good post title considering...  we have bumped up my son's meds again to the original dose that made him a zombie.  It was sad y'all.  Truly sad.  Half open eye lids and naps!  His friends asking why he's acting like he's not feeling well!  Ugh.

The half dose restored his energy and zest for life, but it wasn't effective enough for those mean old sticky thoughts.  He actually imagines them as unwanted sneaky tiny ninjas trying to get inside his head.  I love that kid.  Well, they were making a strong comeback.  I fantastically creative obsession went over board.  All these card board box inventions were taking over his room and his thoughts.  I mean taking. over.

With reluctance I took his does up a smidge to make it an easier adjustment.  It was obvious that it helped, but still needed more support.  So last night we went back to that whole pill.  Tiredness was minimal.  Very much still himself.  BUT here come the side effects... muscle weakness and joint pain around one knee and some fussing about the space around his heart.  I'm thinking and guessing the heart thing is actually more of a muscle anxiety chest clenching thing.  But the knee is definitely meds.  Good times.  I've put a call in to the Dr. but haven't heard back.  2 thoughts on that.  1... maybe it isn't that big of a deal.  Thinking he'd have called back immediately if it was a concern.  And 2... maybe he did call and the "unknown" number that I missed was actually him trying to get ahold of me while I was attending a party in the boonies today!!

Either way, tomorrow is Therapy Tuesday.  Glad to have that part of our schedule solidified.  OT will be changing gradually because that other one has to go to a different office on Tuesdays... but I don't anticipate this being an issue.  Psycho therapy should be great if tomorrow is anything like today (but you know that is literally impossible to tell)!!  And the therapist will address med concerns and side effects I'm sure.  That and he'll see a return of a typical fast blinking tic.  That one has reappeared over the last several days, and just like always, the reappearance of it brings along some hefty behavioral challenges.  This week has certainly been challenging!

So hope awaits me post slumber.  I love Tuesdays and they wear me slap out.  And I want to stay and not come back most weeks, so it's like minor torture!  But it is progress and hope, and that keeps us coming back every week.

Fighting the need for Speed

One of daughter's teachers used to tell the kids, "This is not Burger King.  You can't have your way right away!"  And though that was a solid 8 years ago, I think of that idea often.

We all prefer our way.  Even as an adult when I really want something a certain way... I mean when I REEEEEAAAAALLLLYYY want something a certain way, I am going to find a way to make it happen for myself.  I don't like no.  I have a desperate neeeeed to have things that certain way--my way.  So, the acting out that my son pulls that most often comes from things not going his way or me not allowing him to have his own way, is understandable.  I don't accept it.  It is not acceptable, but understandable.

What I want is for my son's therapies, for those magic medicine's, all the hard work and brain training to fix him.  To make him a version of himself void of constant barrage of negative thoughts and self loathing.  I want it to work and I want it to hurry up and work now.  We have poured ourselves out for years before all this.  And this new portion of our journey... well each week feels like a month in itself!  I'm fighting the need to speed this along.

These things can't be rushed.  I can not MAKE his pre-frontal cortex develop faster.  It can't be done and I just have to accept that.  I'm not sure I can.  Not at this moment.  Maybe I'll get there, or maybe by the time I get there I will no longer need things to hurry along.  Maybe.  There's a reason for this and it's serious and not pretty.

Here is the reason:
       
             Some days feel like abuse.  Like some form of torture test.  How much of a mom are you?  How much can you take?  Can you take these ugly words directed at you?  Can you handle a halting of your tasks repeatedly all day?  Can you handle Love and hatred in the same breath?  Can you trust after you've been beaten up emotionally?  Should you?  If I were in an adult relationship with someone like this, I would have left that person LONG ago.  But this is my child.  If I don't work to help mold and shape him, who will?  There are days that feel like I haven't slept and have been working a giant trauma in an ER somewhere single handedly!  (Too many med dramas? ha!)  Or in the trenches with no reprieve for so many hours, that I'm not sure what day it is.  My stress hormone is on overload and I need to escape to regroup and come up with a new strategy, refuel and re-energize.

I don't know a soul that wouldn't wish to the good lord for it all to hurry up and be better, be over, if they were under constant barrage!  Seriously.  Thank heavens we can take a lot more than we think we can!  Thank goodness for hope and Christ and a future.  I promise I couldn't do it without all that.  Or at least I wouldn't want to!

Y'all.  I need prayer.  Finding the good in all the things is hard!  I can't tell you how many times people say, "cherish this time, it'll be gone in the blink of an eye!" And I'm am in my mind's eye doing the tambourine church lady dance in my head hollering hallelujah!  You mean it will end?  Eventually?!  And then comes the mom guilt where I'm thinking, "If this madness makes me feel this way, how much more does he feel?"  Then the determination comes back, the fight, the pure grit.

Here begins the cycle again.  Hunkerdown.  Get ready for the next one.  Press forward.  And take that step against all odds.  Grieve.  Again.  Hunkerdown.  Get ready for the next one.  Press forward and take another step against all odds.  Grieve again...  I hope it gets easier.  legitimately I hope.  I'm not there yet.  It is in no way easier.  Maybe more difficult cause nothing is familiar or comfortable... cause you can't just pretend there's nothing going on.  Nope.  Not in the easy stage right now, but I'm still standing mamas!  And so can you.  I'm tattered and battered and weary no doubt, but I'm still standing and pushing that one foot in front of the other, pushing toward hope and progress no matter how hard his issues push back.

I'm not the only toddler

My son was easily set off from the beginning.  We always joked that he had a short fuse.  My mother in law said my husband had one when he was little.  It's really all we've known.  There is this constant egg shell thing.  What's going to set him off.  Do I avoid it to spare us all, or do we just do "normal" things like every other family and just let him deal with it?  Still asking those questions.

I'm on anxiety meds myself just from the constant turmoil that goes on with his emotions.  It's obvious.  I know in my heart of hearts that he will end up on mood stablizers.  I know it.  It makes sense and he needs it.  We need it as a family.  I don't like it.  I hope it isn't forever, but if it is... then it is.

It reminds me of those medical cases where in they have to not finish a surgery and let it rest, let the patient improve, become stronger, before they can go back in and finish the work.  This is where we are.  And it's ok.  You see self improvement, social skills, life coping skills, self control, emotional stability, these are all so much more important to over all health and adulthood that it must come first right now.  It must.

I'm not 100% certain that we aren't also dealing with medication upset with the anger.  I'm not 100% sure it doesn't have to do with all the therapies and work we are doing weekly.  Y'all, if you've never been through therapy personally, then you wouldn't know.  It wears you out.  There are periods where you are confused and you don't know if you are getting better or worse.  There is anger.  There is sadness.  There is release and there is pressure that builds again from all the new emotions being explored.  It's exhausting.  Truly.

My son is there.  This morning it's 10:40 am and we have yet to even begin school.  Oh we will get it done if we have to school tomorrow.  They're called consequences.  But we are practicing that.  The behavior/consequence pattern.  I remember it from pre-school... the 3rd time.  I almost pulled him out that time too, but I have an amazing sister who said, leave him and let him figure it out.  I'm glad I did too, because that teacher is still one of my best friends!  But that's another story.  He would act out in class and be sent to the corner.  And sent to the corner and he would not follow directions in the corner so he would stand there for ages until I was called.  Me and his very baby sister would come up there and his eldest sister who was homeschooling at the time would come up there, and we would sit.  And he would practice standing with his nose in the corner.  If he broke silence or acted out, we would start his 5 minutes again!  We would do it till he got it.  Y'all I have pulled over on the side of the road and had a time out!

These times, they wax and wane.  I'm not sure if it's just the nature of it or if I get lax from exhaustion, or what.  But there are times when we have to be all over him and we all hate it.  I assure you.  We ALL hate the punishment.  Right now he is acting out in anger.  Threatening.  making ugly faces, saying ugly words, kicking things.  This is unacceptable neurology or otherwise.  He will not have success in the real world if he is allowed to behave in this manner.  Thus consequences every single time.  Every. Single. Time.  Yes this is tiring like every thing else.  But it is necessary.  And ideally it puts us closer to our goal!  Him moving out and being a productive member of society!  No really.  I have to constantly remember.

Right now his consequences have to do with him bringing me boxes from his room.  Remember, we are in this Obsessive time with making arcades and what not out of boxes and the collection of boxes and scraps is taking over.  Well he is hating this.  Hating it.  But it is necessary on so many sides.  Necessary.  So I'm dealing today with the backlash and the anxiety that comes with it.  I'm the mean one.  Kill joy.  Whatever.  No, babe.  I'm the mom.  I'm not your friend, but I love you more than any of your friends ever will.  So much in fact that I am willing to take the ugly stuff you throw when you are angry and don't feel like putting your tools into practice yet (you will get it...it will come with maturity and practice), and I will press on with what you need and not just what you want.  Because it makes you better.  Like relocating a joint that has become dislocated.  It will hurt on it's way back in, but it will get you to a better place.  The place where you were meant to be to operate at your best!

Why

I was asked today by another mom in a waiting room, why do you come all the way here (We make a 2.5 hour drive each way weekly for my son's therapies)?  The woman was making a point, and if I sit with it long enough, I might feel turned off by her tone or delivery, but what I'm choosing to hear is, "Wow!  You are a serious mom.  Nothing will hold you back from doing what it takes!"  See what I did there?!  Ha!  Y'all, this time we live in is all about being offended.  And I see it.  My hair raises and my feathers ruffle.  But I get to choose.  And I choose to take her thoughts (that she may have spoken without forethought) and hear the rest.

The woman that was speaking had a child with a service dog for anxiety.  I definitely thought about the time and energy and planning and serious money that must have gone into that.  She spoke of her other children and their pseudo homeschool arrangement and ALL the sports!  And I thought more about what it must take to do her life!

We are crazy amazing!  Seriously!

We do it because we were blessed with these unique kids.  These kids that have a special or specific calling and they have to go through the challenges to prepare for their futures.  And at least with my child, I see that he WILL change the world around him.  He does it now without realizing.  He struggles, but he manages.  Sometimes not very well, but that's where we come in.  And regardless of whether we think we have anything left to give... we find it.  We dig deep and we find it.

Yeah.  I've been on the edge of broken before, and I feel certain I'll be there again.  Certain.  But everytime I get there, this thing happens.  I find that I went further than the time before and I still didn't break.  Now I'm not saying that we should keep testing that!!! LOL! No.  Seriously.  It's VERY uncomfortable for me to go there and it affects my whole family.  So, we put things in place to try to reroute that part of our journey, but we also prepare ourselves for the reality that we will get there again and we will have to deal.

Today I deal.  It's therapy day.  3 appts today.  Little man has gained a decent amount of weight for a short time.  He was royally thin anyway, so I'm not seeing it as a big deal...yet.  But again, eyes wide open... and side effects. sigh.  I really wish they were avoidable (and I hope this symptom is not my own side effect as I start my journey on SSRI's).  Ugh.  Nothing says self confidence to a middle aged woman like gaining unnecessary weight!  But today I deal.

I wake up at 5:30am.  I make sure every lunch is packed and bags are ready for school.  Clothes are laid out for when they wake.  I get myself put together, grab all our bags and wake my son.  Nope.  The sun hasn't risen yet, but we have to head out across state lines for therapy appts today.  People are all lined up to pick kids up and take them various places, cause I won't get back till they are all finished with their respective schools.  We brave traffic that is far worse than usual.  We are late, but our awesome Psychiatrist is always so kind to work with us!  We are then late to OT which is across town.  I try not to think about or be disappointed by the fact that we have to up the meds that royally sedated sweet boy last time.  It's not like I thought it was working out at that dose... sigh.  Hate the meds game, but y'all already know that.

"The stars aligned" as the OT put it (you know what I think ;-) I don't think much of coincidence).  She was late and so were we and there was still enough break to not be late to Psychotherapy!  We even had fun tossing tennis balls for awhile.  We noted scientific observations about them and how the elements effect their bouncing abilities and their weight among other things.  Son's session was his best yet supposedly.  Seems as though he's willing to be more honest and open.  Y'all he's really struggling.  Really.  Like room starting to look a bit like a hoarder episode with cardboard boxes and tape and scissors everywhere.  I love creativity... It's hard for me to discourage his activity with a mind at work like that, but it's not a healthy mind working it's a mind on speed and it's actually harming him. Sigh again.

And this is the subject of the current battle.  Me having to be the voice of reason as he makes decisions that are good for him.  Yes, he get's mad when I won't let him make any more gaming machines.  Yes he's angry when he can't take boxes out of the trash and bring them home (to make more gaming devices)!  He's not kind.  His self control could be worse, but it could be better!  So we get the privilege of disciplining every disrespectful outburst however large or small to catch it quick and early and shut that behavior down.  Why do I fight these battles?  Love.  He doesn't understand it that way... but Love none the less.  It is my why.

Mental Rest

I took the weekend off.  Well... sort of.  I'm a jeweler with Premier Designs.  They provide numerous opportunities for training and relationship building with our "family" or team.  They get to be counted as work, but they look a whole lot like fun to this mama!  Me and another team member who also happens to be one of my favorites, scooted off to Atlanta for our Regional Rally!

I was anxious about the weather, but I wasn't.  If that makes any sense at all!! You see my head and my spirit argue alot.  My head said to be nervous, so I listened enough to pack blankets and extra coats, water, flash light, self defense tools, snack, and so forth. Got extra gas and cash and then set out on our way.  BUT my spirit was in total faith convinced that the getting there would be a non-issue.  And it was!

I braved the struggle of leaving my kids with a sitter for a rather extended period of 5 hours on top of having the renovation team working!! Everyone lived... in fact, I think they may have had a good time from the pics I saw!  My mother's helper is fantastic.  She, too, possesses a great deal of intuition and wisdom!  I love that about her.

So, I did not rest technically.  In fact, I haven't rested much at all...yet.  But that IS typically how these things go!  I thoroughly enjoyed the learning, the growth, the challenges, the new jewelry, some new organization, AND the recognition.  You see, Premier is something that I can do well and track progress and success,  It makes me feel like me again!  On top of that perk, I get to leave and block out my mom life mental angst and literally NOT think about it for the time that I am working! Y'all I haven't thought about any of it for over 24 hours now!

We danced.  We had serious deep conversations.  We watched God work in those around us, which looks alot like insane coincidence, but it is more like sovereignty.  We laughed! We high fived!  We took pics, clapped ridiculously loud clappers, blew party horns... we learned.  We were challenged.  It was lovely.  We made time to fix ourselves up!  We showered without interruption!  We stayed up and went to bed as we wanted and we ate junk (which will likely be the main thing I regret)!  We lived. Calmly.

I need to say that thanks to Premier, I make time for myself.  Well, sort of.  It feeds me.  It's not a cruise, but it's a great mental reset!  At this point I'll take it!!  I may not have rested officially, but I can certainly call it the mental break that I needed.  In fact, I'm not actually looking forward to going back yet!! I know I know.  And trust me, I love and adore my family.  I'm just not ready.  I MOSTLY am not ready to deal with more renovations, but this too shall pass.  AND woh, I'm not looking forward to the early school mornings again.  But I will love getting Wyatt's schooling going again!

Take the mental rest or the physical rest or both when you can!! I'm off to try for some z's myself since I will be driving home tomorrow!  Peace be with you all.

The Not Knowing

My precious tiny human has issues.  I've lived with him for 8.5 years and I barely know what's coming next.  That feels weird.  I'm starting to see that this is a great deal of the anxiety that plagues me.  The not knowing what to expect next.  This is the reality of a mood disorder... at least I think.

Yesterday was rough.  It was up and down and half way up and down, and down, and down.  And then my husband gets home and my son says that he's had the best day ever when all he has said most of the day was how horrible his life is and how mean I am. Good times. I managed it successfully...barely. He was ugly to me on several occasions.  Let me clarify by saying that he doesn't lash out physically at me, but he definitely wants to.  Words are his weapon.  He's always had a good command of language.  I'm trying to train him to go to his sensory space when he feels it coming, but so far even the suggestion of it makes him angrier and he digs his heals in even further.  Y'all he wants to be near me but doesn't want to be near me!  Bless it.

Last night he whined and complained over taking his pill and said (not calmly) that it doesn't even help.  The truth is... it did seem to right at first.  But I see what he's saying.  He is still grossly struggling with obsessive thoughts...intense, frustrating obsession.  It's not scary, in fact it would be delightful and fun if it were calm and relaxed.  He is currently tunnel visioning making his own arcade out of cardboard boxes and having people come play.  Doesn't that sound amazing?!  Except it's not.  This is the kid version of the Hollywood pieces you see where someone has gone off the deep end mentally and they don't hardly sleep or eat and they certainly don't have hygiene.  That's what the flash forward looks like in my head.

You can imagine the mombie thing that occurs after he is finally quiet for the night... and did I mention he is 1 of 4.  Yes, there are more of them.  The sisters, the ones on either side of him age wise, are not like him.  The Lord knew what I could handle lol!!  They have their things definitely but the mood instability and constant dissatisfaction aren't one of them!  There is the baby of the family.  She seems to be VERY similar in spirit and behavior to her brother, and YES, that scares me.  People try to wave it off like "oh she's just 3.  Oh She's the baby." Ummm.  I have 4.  I've seen 3 in several different kinds of kids.  Shoot, I worked in childcare over the summer.  This may be a different bird.  Only time will tell, but thank goodness we are learning NOW! Accidental early intervention! Ha!

So the real problem for the boy is that when we have to do other things...life things.  Routine same thing we do every other day things, they get in the way of his goal.  Can I just say that it thrills my mom heart that he can initiate, create, solve problems, stay on task, and press on to the very end of a goal!!! But the intensity and anger that comes are like detestable guests that seem to come along with all of that.

The hour of his waking and the loudness of his decent from his bunk bed used to be a pretty decent sign of the type of day he was going to have.  We haven't seen as much of this since trying different meds, but this morning, at 5:10 I heard footsteps and singing, and when I went to check, 3 bright lights were all on... cue chest tightening anxiety.  This mom had to remind herself that though this may be a clue to his day it does not HAVE to be an indication of it.  This is going to be a reminder that I repeat in my head all day likely...

Sensory sidenote (this should probably be another post entirely):  I saw some things yesterday that were like aha moments for me.  The sensory input... the place where we HAVE to begin in order for him to thrive, it absolutely affects his ability to function in a healthy way!  Its incorrect processing leaves him in a state of defensiveness... always on guard, never at rest.  Anxious. BUT he hates to stop and address his sensory needs...in the moment that is.  It always helps him, but he whines and complains (sometimes I think just to whine and complain).  AND.... as much as I'm still trying to get used to the brushing, I can't find that darn thing! And it's been 2 days.  I have of course ordered another, cause having 2 is ideal, but we have been trying to do at least deep touch massage or something for that input.  --Did I mention that I struggle with executive functioning and memory issues as well?! Losing things is not that uncommon and though I DID designate a place for the brush in Son's sensory basket, it apparently did not get put back there, or he hid it which I don't think he did, but I wouldn't put it past him.--

On a final note, the importance of the sensory work helps me to see that more outdoor play will have to be in our future (pfft... gonna have to look a little further ahead as it is winter advisory in the forecast this weekend), but I have an amazing group of friends that we have dubbed The FRamily.  They are our local hug.  And we are their's I suppose.  And when this renovation is done in a few weeks, I have plans to host them here, to feed them and love on them, and get their assistance piecing together an obstacle course zone in our back yard.  Still thinking on it, but movable pieces would be great, especially if they are just heavy enough.  He needs that heavy lifting, pulling, pushing.  And boy does he need to work on his endurance and stamina.  It will be amazing.  I see only one draw back...he will want a friend. My super social boy rarely plays well alone.

Here's to a more even tempered day my friends, and a weekend to look forward to!

I am a toddler

Apparently I'm a toddler.  This is what I've been reduced to.  I think of all that I'm "supposed" to do and all I can think in my head is "NO."  I mean, legitimately, you have to imagine it sounding just like a sassy quip that would fly out the mouth of a 3 year old in less than 1 second.

"I don't want to!"  I have to do grown up things... things that fall somewhere between maintaining a household to self care.  I mean, what is laundry anyway?  Necessary.  That's what it is... at least eventually.  I need to brush my son.  5 times daily actually.  This seems like nothing I'm sure, but to me it's 5 more things on my to-do list!  5 on a list I already NEVER complete (which I realize is a ridiculous goal anyway and likely not a true statement as Never is Never a good word to use)!

My to-do list grows...Keep a log. Log behaviors.  Log mood swings, meltdowns, over dramatic or depressive speech (can't separate those yet).  My own personal Dr. wanted me to log my blood pressure.  Log my sons intrusive obsessive thoughts.

Yes, I realize I'm whining and in perspective I'm being ridiculous, but I'm to the point of legitimately feeling that meme that says, "What is it with these people?  They act like I'm supposed to feed them 3 meals a day or something!"  To be honest, when you don't feel like eating, you don't feel like cooking... and did I mention that we are renovating the entire main floor!

I'm a toddler... at least today I am. I'm not on the floor flailing, and I'm sort of proud to report that I haven't yelled today (kept a decent amount of cool actually), but in my head I am there.  "No.  I don't want to!" And then storm off to my room to be all alone in my jammies in my blanket fort.  Heck I might even color!

Not adulting well today, but it happens.  I have an amazing community that pitched in today to let me see about my own mental health today in peace.  No little ones in tow... Let me reiterate.  No. little. loves. with me.  I was ALONE! Holy Hallelujah!  I literally jokingly told the Dr. he was welcome to see some more patients before me so that I could just enjoy the quiet!  But alas, kids needed feeding again and picking up.  And so it goes.

The Dr. surprised me.  He's not my favorite.  We don't always agree.  He literally stated that the only tools he has for depression and anxiety are meds... And all I could think of was Why?  No nutrition? No exercise suggestion? No question about my support system? my sleep habits?  Methods I use for escape currently? Respite care or sitter services? No form of psychotherapy?  Yeah.  OK.  But this wasn't a huge surprise.  This is what I expected and I was there for it.  I was ready.

He's had me take the test before... you know the ipad quiz that seems like one of those super short Facebook things that will tell you what kind of person you are!! Heaven help us.  It was sort of silly and tricky.  I needed an in between bubble on a whole bunch of them, so I did my best.

He did 1 thing for me that was exactly what I needed.  No it wasn't the meds.  He validated my feelings and the place where I have been residing emotionally as of late.  He acknowledged it.  Said that it was actually quite common, and that he actually sees how stellar most women are and didn't think he could do all that we do.  Ummmm wasn't expecting that!  But you know... he's right and he doesn't even know the half of what I do.  Not even a half!  That part makes me feel almost human.  Almost not weird and guilty and insecure.  (Yes guys... that last statement with those feelings that I often try to push aside and not accept are still there, and yes guys I'm aware they are lies).

I have started using this phrase, "I don't accept that."  I started using it when my kids would treat me or bring me their personal "junk"especially when it's presented in anger and disrespect and literally has nothing to do with me, and I simply say, "You know what? I don't accept that.  You may discuss it with me respectfully (or whatever applies here)."  I don't know where it came from... Probably the Lord as I'm not much of a believer in coincidence.  But I like it.  And I think I'm going to start using it on myself.  When "the feelings" or anxiety creep up and try to lie to me, I'm just going to say, "No.  I don't accept that."

NOT TODAY...  ;-) Click Below and enjoy

Not Today...

The Truth about Truth

I was pondering through the idea that I am very optimistic and my blog writings will tend to be that way.  I also ponder a bit like a blog in my head through out the day especially if I'm allowed any silence at all and/or am doing a mindless task.  The blog posts that never make it out of my head and basically end up on the proverbial cutting floor are the ones that are pretty real... almost too real.  Ugly words full of complaining, exhausted woman REAL.

Sadly, the internet tends to be a place where in we only show the best of ourselves and our lives and while I don't find this innately wrong on all counts, sometimes the readers can become easily disillusioned.  Part of my purpose in writing the blog at all was to allow you some space of real.  To know that you aren't alone.  Though it is so ingrained in me to find the positive in EVERY thing life throws at us, I promise to sometimes just let the junk be junk.  LOL!  I'm saying I'll try.

That said, I have high hopes for 2017.  We've already begun rolling the ball of change.  Right now it feels overwhelming, like it's a giant rock boulder and I'm Indiana Jones running for my life... but it's rolling none the less.  I hope for growth and progress.  I am too scared to hope for Peace though I long for it desperately.  I think my brain won't let my heart hope for it yet, knowing that typically when you are in a process of refining there is a heck of alot of fire among other things.

Think blacksmith.  Think of the degree of heat they have to use to melt metal.  Think of the caution and care they have to use.  Can't get too hot or it won't mold properly.  Has to get hot enough for the same reason.  Then comes the beating.  Once the metal is hot enough it is beaten and prodded into a better shape.  Dear heavens that is real.  And that is scary.

Speaking of scary.  My mom heart has been struggling over something my son's therapist relayed about his own personal experience as a person growing up with the same neurology as my son.  He spoke just a smidge of his journey through drugs and alcohol and sobriety... and I think I was supposed to be glad and hopeful, but I was scared.  My mom heart saw the other side and longed desperately to intercede and save my son from that kind of life struggle.  But my mom head knows that my son will go through whatever he needs to in order to become the boy that God wants him to.  And it isn't always pretty.

Am I willing to let him go through the fire to get to the refining?

I think of the stories in the Bible involving sons... specifically Abraham and Isaac.  That long awaited promised son!  And there he was almost sacrificed atop of a mountain.  What faith.  What sheer terror.  Quite difficult for me to think about actually.  And of course Jesus, the son of God, being crucified unjustly, but for MY sin.  Well for all of our sins.  And the curse is broken and no more! But what a process of horror.  Am I willing as a mom to endure it along side the one I love?!

Honestly I'm praying for healing and ease and comfort.  But in my head, I know that life brings challenges and I WILL walk them with my children as much as a mom can or should.  And it will change me too.  And to be honest... it's not a thought I love.  I understand it, but I'm not really a fan.
But moms are probably the fiercest of creatures.  When I long to lay in bed for days on end, I drag my tired self to the coffee pot and try to sneak in the quiet moments.  Then I just get up and get it done!  Get it done mommas!

Mom Guilt Multiplied

So, I was processing through my own emotional health in the midst of all this work we've been doing for my son... And I thought to myself "I'm just not a healthy person right now." But (yes I spoke right back to that silly self) then I took that thought captive and MADE it obedient unto Christ.  You see in my faith, Christ and God the Father are the epitome of truth.  And thus, Satan is the father of lies.  So the trick is being able to recognize the lies and grab hold of them, squash them, and throw them away. Honestly, it's a self taught, scripture directed visualization I suppose.  I imagine it like someone throwing a paper airplane into my office space and me, single handedly snatching it mid air, crumpling it, and throwing it in the waist bin!

So I pondered that thought a minute, because part of me believed it or at the very least understood the sentiment behind it.  And then it hit me.  Quite actually it IS untrue.  "I am not a healthy person right now" became "I am such a healthy person that I realize I am not in a healthy place for me."  Y'all.  An unhealthy person would have difficulty seeing the intricacies of separation between one's person hood and the emotional struggle they are going through.  An unhealthy person, would likely not be thinking of or concerned with their mental health and how it affects others.  An unhealthy person would not be grabbing hold of the lies that we feed ourselves or allow others to feed to us, and they certainly wouldn't be turning them around and replacing them with truth.

So there.  I'm healthy, and I fully realize that I have reached a place where some help by way of lifestyle health changes, therapy for myself, and/or meds would greatly benefit both me AND my family and other important relationships.  That's a GREAT place to be.  The knowing.  The landing on a decision and setting a goal.  As I discussed with my son's therapist yesterday, a healthy mom is ESSENTIAL to my son's progress.  ESSENTIAL.

Here's the breakdown.  When you have just one kid (so far that is) that requires more, OBVIOUSLY, it effects the whole family.  THE WHOLE.  I know this is no surprise to any of you that are in this space currently, but maybe for those of you that are still working it out, for those of you that are friends or family to those that are here, this is reality.  Let's be real.  If your family unit operates as it was designed, there is a beautiful harmony that should occur.  When one part of the group is off, the whole is off.  Granted, we can all find a new space and a new normal to operate within.  Thank heavens we don't have to accept a standard of "normal" from anyone or anywhere, but can indeed establish that for ourselves.  Just be aware that this takes time and work.  It'd be lovely if you could throw a pile of puzzle pieces up in the air and have them fall right into place... lol!!!! But then you see what I'm saying.

Mom Guilt Multiplied: I DID put this in the title, because to be honest I have danced ALL around it even in the previous several paragraphs.  You see, I fight guilt tooth and nail constantly and I can't find a single person or place that it comes from besides myself!  (If I think about it long enough, I know that isn't entirely true.) But for the most part, the constant guilt battle comes from within.  Sad right?!  But here is my current ruminating guilty thought... I have to spend sooooooo much time with the one.  And I love it!  HARD work.  But I love it.  I LOVE learning.  I love restoring and rebirthing things, so seeing it in a human, however LONG it takes is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! But I feel guilty for it.  For not having as much for all the others... and y'all, I have 3 others!  AND a husband.

Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm Princess Poppy from the movie Trolls.  If you haven't seen it, it is delightful!  But she is the lead character that NEVER GIVES UP.  Hopeless Optimist.  If she admits difficulty, defeat, etc, it is but for a moment and then she has already turned it around into something positive.  This IS me.  Seriously.  I realize that some people find it annoying, but I think it's just difficult to understand simply because they are not that way.  I'm saying this and I realize it seems random and out of left field, but I promise I'm coming back around to it!  You see, I DO struggle with these thoughts that are guilty, untrue, etc.  BUT I don't accept them, I allow them to fuel me.  The best way to get me to work my hind end off at something is to tell me that I can't.  Deep down I believe in myself... at least I think that's what's going on.  Ha!  So, this tinge of guilt... I see it smoldering off in the distance.  I have thought about it and worried about it very little up to this point, but I can see it there, and I have a sense that if I don't do something directly about it, then it will grow.  It being a new year this very day, I'm setting goals with every intention of smashing them, blowing them out of the water!

Though Executive Function is definitely my struggle as well, I'm determining and working toward setting an official schedule that allows each of my fantastic people time and attention with me regularly.  As I'm still working on it, I don't have all the details worked out, but I'm thinking of a monthly intentional date with each other child.  And a monthly date with my son and his dad.  Date night is already a weekly occurrence thanks to a church event that ALL the kids attend weekly, but I would love an extended date night once a month in addition to that... I hate being boxed in by time constraints.  It will all come to fruition, especially if I get to spend a moment working it out detail for detail on my work sneak away next weekend!  I'm sure I'll keep you posted, but until then...

Breath in that peace... ever...so...slowly.  Stop when it is nearest to you and let it rest there for 3 seconds and then consciously breathe out that guilt, stress, and lies.  Do it again and again.  As many times as is necessary.  MY WORD FOR 2017 IS ENOUGH.  Guys.  We are enough.  God didn't randomly select you for this child.  There is purpose and intention (and sometimes it's also for our own personal growth).  Happy New Year!  Let's do this 2017!