If you've ever heard or read some of Jen Hatmaker's stuff, you have probably heard the discussion of what is going to be taken on or off the beam. Let me break it down for you right now. The balance beam. We are all walking around trying to do and hold onto all this stuff, but life is supposed to have a beautiful balance. And when it doesn't it knocks us into a very out of sorts space emotionally, spiritually, relationally, even physically. The whole thing pretty much ends up looking like a nervous break down if left out of sorts or pushed further out of sorts for too long.
Well, I'm about 2 steps from that space... the super unhealthy one. The part that is keeping me going I think is the knowing that I made at least some of the choices and messes, so surely I can undo some of the problem. That still remains to be seen. I'm pretty much maxxed out. so much so that as I look at my beam to see what can be removed, I can only see the things which would normally bring me so much joy as being the ones I can remove right now. Um what? Leave all the stressful pieces and remove the things that would be full of fun? Yeah that is not a good space.
But fun can be stress too. My job is a heck of a lot of fun! But it brings a striving that can get off balance for sure. What I'm certain I need is 2 fold. 2 weeks of mindless fun with my husband in some place where it is impossible to think of or contact people about the kids!!! AND at least a week or two in my home with out the kids, so that I can bring it back to some sense of balance! Of course the likelihood that either of those things will happen is pretty slim.
But as I hang on, I do see trips away with people I enjoy in my future. Away is an escape I realize. Being real, that is exactly what I'd like. Away. I want off this crazy train at least for awhile. I need a pinch hitter. ha! Parenting in general is not for the faint of heart! Parenting a neuro kid or 2... whew! We are a different breed ladies! I feel like as we look at one another, their should be some special aura around those of us that are still standing after the invisible (at least to the outside world) battles that we have been fighting. Whew!
I realize this post is mostly speaking straight from my head with very little processing, but we've all been here. It's ok. I will find my way to center...eventually.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
The Facade
I was the epitome of Mombie today. I woke with a headache that may or may not have been partyly my fault. Staying up late watching a movie (which is something I never do) and having alcohol before bed. It WAS that kind of day yesterday.
But today I woke. My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20. I was single parenting AND teaching today. And there was that headache. Getting out of the house is a typical battle. There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance. Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us. We are THOSE neighbors.
But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help. But then there was the every where I look thing. Every where I looked there was crap. I mean clutter. Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes. It is a hot huge disorganized mess. There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday. I'm operating at less than 50% right now. Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.
And then there was that moment. The mental wherewithall to say to myself. If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me! So I put on the facade. I mentally slowed down. I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself. One at a time till I push through. As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh. I doubt that I managed my schedule well. No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...
Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh. My zest for life got lost along the way here recently. I'd like to find it again soon. If I can muster the energy and the strength.
But today I woke. My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20. I was single parenting AND teaching today. And there was that headache. Getting out of the house is a typical battle. There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance. Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us. We are THOSE neighbors.
But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help. But then there was the every where I look thing. Every where I looked there was crap. I mean clutter. Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes. It is a hot huge disorganized mess. There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday. I'm operating at less than 50% right now. Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.
And then there was that moment. The mental wherewithall to say to myself. If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me! So I put on the facade. I mentally slowed down. I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself. One at a time till I push through. As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh. I doubt that I managed my schedule well. No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...
Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh. My zest for life got lost along the way here recently. I'd like to find it again soon. If I can muster the energy and the strength.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Martian Mom
If you are the mom of ANY child... but especially one with eccentricities, differences, special needs, whatever you choose to call it, may I suggest that you run (don't walk) to rent, buy, or borrow the movie "Martian Child" starring John Cusack. Wow. Just wow. You see I saw it years ago, and have a fun girl non-crush on most of John Cusack's characters in movies and this one is no exception!
I had forgotten how good it was. Slightly unrealistic of course, but then, it's a movie. But Oh so good. Why are we so desperate for our people, family, kids, etc to fit in. Be what we expect. I'm not happy with that cage personally. I feel trapped or like an outsider cause I refuse the cage altogether. What if we took the cage away entirely?
Can you tell I'm struggling today with my precious neuro boy. Do I really want him to be typical? Am I ok with medicating him so that he can manage a classroom or sitting and doing dull work like the rest of us are expected to do? I can see how unregulated repetitive building of claw machines (out of boxes and tape which is OH so cool) doesn't fall in the safe and healthy zone...
Why is parenting soooooooo difficult? Why can't I desire alone time and not feel guilty? I imagine the day that Precious one can sit through a class day and manage... What in the world would I do with all that time?! Seriously?! I feel like I would sleep for at least the first month straight!!
But on the other spectrum, what if he is not meant to be in school. What if his place is learning things in an atypical way at home with a teacher (me) who is willing to tailor it to his needs. Such a difficult row to hoe. He has to learn to do some things he doesn't like and to be ok with that. Truthfully, all I can think is that the rest of the world will NOT likely be willing to make adjustments for him.
Martian Child. They are all a bit Martian... as are we.
I had forgotten how good it was. Slightly unrealistic of course, but then, it's a movie. But Oh so good. Why are we so desperate for our people, family, kids, etc to fit in. Be what we expect. I'm not happy with that cage personally. I feel trapped or like an outsider cause I refuse the cage altogether. What if we took the cage away entirely?
Can you tell I'm struggling today with my precious neuro boy. Do I really want him to be typical? Am I ok with medicating him so that he can manage a classroom or sitting and doing dull work like the rest of us are expected to do? I can see how unregulated repetitive building of claw machines (out of boxes and tape which is OH so cool) doesn't fall in the safe and healthy zone...
Why is parenting soooooooo difficult? Why can't I desire alone time and not feel guilty? I imagine the day that Precious one can sit through a class day and manage... What in the world would I do with all that time?! Seriously?! I feel like I would sleep for at least the first month straight!!
But on the other spectrum, what if he is not meant to be in school. What if his place is learning things in an atypical way at home with a teacher (me) who is willing to tailor it to his needs. Such a difficult row to hoe. He has to learn to do some things he doesn't like and to be ok with that. Truthfully, all I can think is that the rest of the world will NOT likely be willing to make adjustments for him.
Martian Child. They are all a bit Martian... as are we.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Mom's Group
There was a time when the idea of getting up at 5am and leaving my house with my special needs 8 year old seemed like the worst idea!!! Not anymore y'all! First off, my entire process of getting ready is quiet. I get to think! And think only about the things that I choose! I know right?! AND!!!! I get to fix myself up! Like cute outfit with matching jewelry, made up face and actual hair do! The whole thing immediately makes me feel like a real human person! I know! I know! Totally worth the loss of an extra hour or so of sleep!
And why do I do all this? well technically there is more than one reason, but I just needed the pushing of the one to create the other. So my son needed/ needs an extra therapy session. More organized and educational if you will. She is GREAT! He loves her and responds well with her! But since I had to get him to her early, I decided to suck it up and put my big girl unders on and deal with it. 30 minutes earlier still and I could attend moms group! YES! there is a moms group at the Clinic.
Shameless plug for which I get nothing except a healthier community... If you are anywhere in the vicinity of Atlanta and your kid has special needs... PLEASE look up Parkaire Consultants in Marietta! It may not be for you, but I can assure you that it is worth the exploration!
Now, back to moms group. Yes, they have a moms group. And these women are quickly becoming my friends. It is a group therapy I'm sure. There are check ins and affirmations! There is tons of honesty. There is lots and lots of gleaning. Most of the moms in there are seasoned (this is my perspective of course) as compared to me, so it is a blessing for me to listen to their stories and see from where they are! But there are 4 therapists in there also! Some are in training, lol, but still. We are well taken care of. And almost most importantly there is coffee! Also tea... and usually fruits and nuts. It's just lovely and refreshing!
So we had moms group first thing! For a solid 2 hours!! then I went straight to yoga. It was just right as far and stretching and difficulty. Then a quick lunch, then therapy check in with our primary therapist. Then back home! I got to have a chiropractic visit and talk jewelry with my sitter also a new jeweler! I threw together the laziest mom dinner ever... but my hubs blessed me with a super fun dinner just for me! And then after all that... I went to my band practice (which I can hardly call mine as it is primarily being moved along by my co writer and conspirator)! I wasn't feeling it tonight. Too tired. But I pushed through and of course it was lovely!
Life isn't perfect here. And it isn't even back to normal. Honestly i've never found a normal! But There are moments of goodness and joy that we are learning to acknowledge and let in. We had a pretty difficult week last week in general with frustration and anger. "I give up" was heard a few too many times... over silly small stuff. BUT we are moving along. We aren't accepting failure or defeat, we are pressing forward and learning from our moments. The challenge of growing an 8 year old that is currently beginning the emotional progress of a 2 or 3 year old is often exhausting, but progress is progress. I've done toddlers before. I have several more kids than the one... so we will do it again.
Today, we go for a physical exam with suspicion of a hernia... yes my 8 year old... He is serious about his work outs. Let's hope it is less than we think and nothing serious. Heaven knows we don't need anymore things to work through with that one!!
And why do I do all this? well technically there is more than one reason, but I just needed the pushing of the one to create the other. So my son needed/ needs an extra therapy session. More organized and educational if you will. She is GREAT! He loves her and responds well with her! But since I had to get him to her early, I decided to suck it up and put my big girl unders on and deal with it. 30 minutes earlier still and I could attend moms group! YES! there is a moms group at the Clinic.
Shameless plug for which I get nothing except a healthier community... If you are anywhere in the vicinity of Atlanta and your kid has special needs... PLEASE look up Parkaire Consultants in Marietta! It may not be for you, but I can assure you that it is worth the exploration!
Now, back to moms group. Yes, they have a moms group. And these women are quickly becoming my friends. It is a group therapy I'm sure. There are check ins and affirmations! There is tons of honesty. There is lots and lots of gleaning. Most of the moms in there are seasoned (this is my perspective of course) as compared to me, so it is a blessing for me to listen to their stories and see from where they are! But there are 4 therapists in there also! Some are in training, lol, but still. We are well taken care of. And almost most importantly there is coffee! Also tea... and usually fruits and nuts. It's just lovely and refreshing!
So we had moms group first thing! For a solid 2 hours!! then I went straight to yoga. It was just right as far and stretching and difficulty. Then a quick lunch, then therapy check in with our primary therapist. Then back home! I got to have a chiropractic visit and talk jewelry with my sitter also a new jeweler! I threw together the laziest mom dinner ever... but my hubs blessed me with a super fun dinner just for me! And then after all that... I went to my band practice (which I can hardly call mine as it is primarily being moved along by my co writer and conspirator)! I wasn't feeling it tonight. Too tired. But I pushed through and of course it was lovely!
Life isn't perfect here. And it isn't even back to normal. Honestly i've never found a normal! But There are moments of goodness and joy that we are learning to acknowledge and let in. We had a pretty difficult week last week in general with frustration and anger. "I give up" was heard a few too many times... over silly small stuff. BUT we are moving along. We aren't accepting failure or defeat, we are pressing forward and learning from our moments. The challenge of growing an 8 year old that is currently beginning the emotional progress of a 2 or 3 year old is often exhausting, but progress is progress. I've done toddlers before. I have several more kids than the one... so we will do it again.
Today, we go for a physical exam with suspicion of a hernia... yes my 8 year old... He is serious about his work outs. Let's hope it is less than we think and nothing serious. Heaven knows we don't need anymore things to work through with that one!!
Thursday, March 2, 2017
OH this is RICH!
Written several weeks ago and I'm amused... Not where we are now! ha!
"I always knew there would be a point when my anxiety would resolve or at least subside and therapy days would be "normal". No seriously. I just knew. You see for several month I went through this huge adjustment going back to our town post Parkaire days! I didn't want to leave. There was such a sense of safety that I was annoyed almost afraid to go home cause a week was just too far off. Don't get me wrong, we still live for Tuesdays, but the angst has calmed and the habit of it is becoming rather second nature and we talk less of it.
And I'm kind of sad about the fact that it is here NOW?! I don't think I was ready for this to move so quickly! But here we are. 2 weeks in a row, fantastic praises to bring to group and therapy. Perfection! But still that sense of fear to breathe lest this house of cards come crashing down! I rarely contact the therapists anymore, cause I don't have tons of questions anymore!"
So things have been "normal"ish... I've had less angst and less to say I suppose. I wish that were true this morning. I think it's partly me, but I am just so done with my son's issues today. I can't and don't want to do this. Freaking catering to his issues always. Feels like trying to swim through an ocean of molasses. I'm tired out and though I can see some progress there is sooooo much still to go. And I'm tired!!! Did I mention I'm tired?! ha! I'm trying to get him to do things that he can do on his own, but his frustration is getting in the way and so he does nothing. Paralyzed. puddle of tears over minimal issues. He asks appropriately for help after whining around and I try to help while he complains and whines and says he can't do it. He choses not to try. And then tries to calm himself and pull it back together, just to turn around and do it again. And right on cue he comes down and says he feels much better... 2 minutes later he's whining and crying. "I don't want to."
Sherry calls it Mother's honor. And right now, I'd not like that badge. I don't. I am finding it hard to put on my momma cares face. Maybe I am personally having sensory issues... I don't want to hear my kids constantly asking for me. Constantly "needing" my help. Potty training a 3 year old isn't helping either. I'm tired of the smell of pee. I'm weary of negativity. I am a positive person. But this situation that I'm living in is wearing me down right now. I know that I need a break and I see it in the future, but I'm trying to figure out how I am going to make it to April 20th when the hubs and I get away by ourselves!!
Respite care. I know I know. But where? and how? Me first sometimes... I know that too. I'm just not sure how to make it happen. I'm going to the chiropractor, but I have to bring my son cause he's with me always. Deep sigh. I need to dig deep for today... I need to find my turquoise colored glasses. The TS+ glasses that let me see from his side today in order for me to pull us both through. Momma prayers for me and the son today. Thanks!
"I always knew there would be a point when my anxiety would resolve or at least subside and therapy days would be "normal". No seriously. I just knew. You see for several month I went through this huge adjustment going back to our town post Parkaire days! I didn't want to leave. There was such a sense of safety that I was annoyed almost afraid to go home cause a week was just too far off. Don't get me wrong, we still live for Tuesdays, but the angst has calmed and the habit of it is becoming rather second nature and we talk less of it.
And I'm kind of sad about the fact that it is here NOW?! I don't think I was ready for this to move so quickly! But here we are. 2 weeks in a row, fantastic praises to bring to group and therapy. Perfection! But still that sense of fear to breathe lest this house of cards come crashing down! I rarely contact the therapists anymore, cause I don't have tons of questions anymore!"
So things have been "normal"ish... I've had less angst and less to say I suppose. I wish that were true this morning. I think it's partly me, but I am just so done with my son's issues today. I can't and don't want to do this. Freaking catering to his issues always. Feels like trying to swim through an ocean of molasses. I'm tired out and though I can see some progress there is sooooo much still to go. And I'm tired!!! Did I mention I'm tired?! ha! I'm trying to get him to do things that he can do on his own, but his frustration is getting in the way and so he does nothing. Paralyzed. puddle of tears over minimal issues. He asks appropriately for help after whining around and I try to help while he complains and whines and says he can't do it. He choses not to try. And then tries to calm himself and pull it back together, just to turn around and do it again. And right on cue he comes down and says he feels much better... 2 minutes later he's whining and crying. "I don't want to."
Sherry calls it Mother's honor. And right now, I'd not like that badge. I don't. I am finding it hard to put on my momma cares face. Maybe I am personally having sensory issues... I don't want to hear my kids constantly asking for me. Constantly "needing" my help. Potty training a 3 year old isn't helping either. I'm tired of the smell of pee. I'm weary of negativity. I am a positive person. But this situation that I'm living in is wearing me down right now. I know that I need a break and I see it in the future, but I'm trying to figure out how I am going to make it to April 20th when the hubs and I get away by ourselves!!
Respite care. I know I know. But where? and how? Me first sometimes... I know that too. I'm just not sure how to make it happen. I'm going to the chiropractor, but I have to bring my son cause he's with me always. Deep sigh. I need to dig deep for today... I need to find my turquoise colored glasses. The TS+ glasses that let me see from his side today in order for me to pull us both through. Momma prayers for me and the son today. Thanks!
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