OH this is RICH!

Written several weeks ago and I'm amused... Not where we are now! ha!

"I always knew there would be a point when my anxiety would resolve or at least subside and therapy days would be "normal".  No seriously.  I just knew.  You see for several month I went through this huge adjustment going back to our town post Parkaire days!  I didn't want to leave.  There was such a sense of safety that I was annoyed almost afraid to go home cause a week was just too far off.  Don't get me wrong, we still live for Tuesdays, but the angst has calmed and the habit of it is becoming rather second nature and we talk less of it.

And I'm kind of sad about the fact that it is here NOW?!  I don't think I was ready for this to move so quickly!  But here we are. 2 weeks in a row, fantastic praises to bring to group and therapy.  Perfection!  But still that sense of fear to breathe lest this house of cards come crashing down!  I rarely contact the therapists anymore, cause I don't have tons of questions anymore!"

So things have been "normal"ish...  I've had less angst and less to say I suppose.  I wish that were true this morning.  I think it's partly me, but I am just so done with my son's issues today.  I can't and don't want to do this.  Freaking catering to his issues always.  Feels like trying to swim through an ocean of molasses.  I'm tired out and though I can see some progress there is sooooo much still to go.  And I'm tired!!! Did I mention I'm tired?! ha!  I'm trying to get him to do things that he can do on his own, but his frustration is getting in the way and so he does nothing.  Paralyzed.  puddle of tears over minimal issues.  He asks appropriately for help after whining around and I try to help while he complains and whines and says he can't do it.  He choses not to try.  And then tries to calm himself and pull it back together, just to turn around and do it again.  And right on cue he comes down and says he feels much better... 2 minutes later he's whining and crying.  "I don't want to."

Sherry calls it Mother's honor.  And right now, I'd not like that badge.  I don't.  I am finding it hard to put on my momma cares face.  Maybe I am personally having sensory issues... I don't want to hear my kids constantly asking for me.  Constantly "needing" my help.  Potty training a 3 year old isn't helping either.  I'm tired of the smell of pee.  I'm weary of negativity.  I am a positive person.  But this situation that I'm living in is wearing me down right now.  I know that I need a break and I see it in the future, but I'm trying to figure out how I am going to make it to April 20th when the hubs and I get away by ourselves!!

Respite care.  I know I know.  But where?  and how?  Me first sometimes... I know that too.  I'm just not sure how to make it happen.  I'm going to the chiropractor, but I have to bring my son cause he's with me always.  Deep sigh.  I need to dig deep for today... I need to find my turquoise colored glasses.  The TS+ glasses that let me see from his side today in order for me to pull us both through. Momma prayers for me and the son today.  Thanks!