The Facade

I was the epitome of Mombie today.  I woke with a headache that may or may not have been partyly my fault.  Staying up late watching a movie (which is something I never do) and having alcohol before bed.  It WAS that kind of day yesterday.

But today I woke.  My alarm went off at 5 but I couldn't pull myself out of bed till at least 6:20.  I was single parenting AND teaching today.  And there was that headache.  Getting out of the house is a typical battle.  There tends to be lots of dilly dallying with a side of annoyance.  Some eyerolling and quite often enough irritated loud instruction (that sometimes sounds like yelling) to annoy our neighbors enough to not speak to us.  We are THOSE neighbors.

But my general state of inability to think was frustrating me on the inside and the usual kids avoidance of the morning routine didn't help.  But then there was the every where I look thing.  Every where I looked there was crap.  I mean clutter.  Doesn't matter to me today that it is clean clothes.  It is a hot huge disorganized mess.  There is a looming to do list that has been not done since at least Monday but the same brain has followed me since Saturday.  I'm operating at less than 50% right now.  Truly there were several times today when I mentally intentionally sucked it up to keep moving.

And then there was that moment.  The mental wherewithall to say to myself.  If I keep going at this speed and agitation level, I will break and I will take all those around me (that I love) with me!  So I put on the facade.  I mentally slowed down.  I roughed off all the irritating edges and I chose to only look at each daily task by itself.  One at a time till I push through.  As I look ahead, I turn back to the one foot in front of the other survival technique because I can see that it will be a good week before I can even think about free space. Deep sigh.  I doubt that I managed my schedule well.  No way it would have gotten to me this way if I had...

Current state of heightened sensitivity in my special needs babe hasn't helped my exhaustion either... Sigh.  My zest for life got lost along the way here recently.  I'd like to find it again soon.  If I can muster the energy and the strength.