It's easy for me to dump my "feelings" and processing here on my blog and not be concerned with how ugly or pretty it is. After all, it's simply a diary of sorts right? Well know this. There are goods that come alongside the difficulties. And yes, the Lord interrupts me in my processing to remind me of them. So I will in turn remind you.
We had a great day. One of my anxieties on Tuesday came with the thought of entering my son into public school. But I was afraid... of where he is academically. Is it up to par? Would he be able to transition with at least the ease of being in the same place with learning that the other children are? In theory, if he needed to repeat a grade, he could! By adulthood, no one cares how old you were when you graduated...
But then came beautiful Wednesday. We started in on schooling, and he was whining. And I patiently had a succinct talk with him about roles that all of us play in our family, society, etc. That his job right now is to do school. That his sisters were busy doing their school. That his friends were doing the same. We talked about how if you buckle down on it now, one day the goal is to be able to afford to pay people to do the things you don't like to do! Right?! I mean really that IS the goal that I'M still working towards! LOL!
He listened. Legitimately listened. He did his work with very little complaining. He doubled up on that work! Even more intense! He did Math and Language Arts. Took a break outside to build an obstacle course and run it several times. Then he did Math and Language Arts again. I was able to sit behind him and work my own business all the while checking in on him.
And parents! I allowed myself to be proud of where he is and the job that I have done up to this point! I realized that though he may be slightly behind, it isn't by much and it's within reach. A goal is a beautiful motivation for this mama! So I rested. That doesn't mean I didn't do anything else...in fact, I did tons of work personally yesterday! But I let my angst rest.
No i didn't do it perfectly. One would think I had far less stress and anxiety post meds and including breathing. Not to mention that personal work success feeds that need within my spirit as well, but the anxiety is still there and the physical manifestations of it are there as well. It IS better post lexapro, but maybe we haven't found that sweet spot.
But for now, we are going to rest in the success! AND I saw truly for the first time just how much support Parkaire has for their patients! Seriously y'all. It's the stuff of dreams and prayers. I have to drive 2.5 hours both ways, spend hours that day in appts, pay a wad of cash each time, BUT that's not it. I ONLY have to drive 2.5 hours. The ride is peaceful. There is joy in OT. There is peace and respite for me as a mom. There is help and hope and they desperately seek to work us all in on 1 day so we don't have to drive so far, so often. They meet together once a week; the therapists, clinicians, educators, OT's... they are in close and constant contact with the psychiatrist and they are on the ball. If I message, they respond quickly. They are working specifically to help us as a family and to move us into a place of success! It is beautiful.
So Next week... this makes me both excited and sick to my stomach with angst, but we begin the shifting of appts. Full session with new OT gal, lunch break, me with Sherry and son with his therapist. I WILL say that the thought of spending an hour one on one with Sherry is overwhelming. I am certain I will be under prepared and not know what to say or where to begin, but the good news is that she's been doing it so long, this will be nothing new to her. And in the worst but best way, it will be good for me. I know myself. I lack intrinsic motivation. I do not plan well. I find it extremely difficult and overwhelming. I try. This is my strength. I never quit. I always jump back up and try again! Always. LOL so I suppose I'm certain either I will get chided for not being as organized or prepared somehow, or that she's being nice because I deserve to be chided. (Please note it's highly unlikely she will look at me without anything but acceptance, she's good like that, but this is what my mean head is trying to tell me.) She is OCD. No I mean legitimately. And getting things done and organized is her strength, so we will be oppositely matched in the best way. At any rate I'm always up for a challenge cause challenge brings growth!
Then we start solidifying the remainder of the changes. The following week may start the super early rising and the moms group. The beginning of yet another therapist for my son to meet first dealing specifically with organizational behaviors and classroom expectations. She will certainly provide very specific therapy for social growth and needs. Then OT for sensories, then half an hour for our lunch break, then he does Psycho therapy and I see Sherry for mom support. Wow! Takes 7 dr/therapists to keep us in check. Thank goodness the Lord has provided us both the means and the place to do this!
Godspeed to all those on this journey with us!!
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