My precious tiny human has issues. I've lived with him for 8.5 years and I barely know what's coming next. That feels weird. I'm starting to see that this is a great deal of the anxiety that plagues me. The not knowing what to expect next. This is the reality of a mood disorder... at least I think.
Yesterday was rough. It was up and down and half way up and down, and down, and down. And then my husband gets home and my son says that he's had the best day ever when all he has said most of the day was how horrible his life is and how mean I am. Good times. I managed it successfully...barely. He was ugly to me on several occasions. Let me clarify by saying that he doesn't lash out physically at me, but he definitely wants to. Words are his weapon. He's always had a good command of language. I'm trying to train him to go to his sensory space when he feels it coming, but so far even the suggestion of it makes him angrier and he digs his heals in even further. Y'all he wants to be near me but doesn't want to be near me! Bless it.
Last night he whined and complained over taking his pill and said (not calmly) that it doesn't even help. The truth is... it did seem to right at first. But I see what he's saying. He is still grossly struggling with obsessive thoughts...intense, frustrating obsession. It's not scary, in fact it would be delightful and fun if it were calm and relaxed. He is currently tunnel visioning making his own arcade out of cardboard boxes and having people come play. Doesn't that sound amazing?! Except it's not. This is the kid version of the Hollywood pieces you see where someone has gone off the deep end mentally and they don't hardly sleep or eat and they certainly don't have hygiene. That's what the flash forward looks like in my head.
You can imagine the mombie thing that occurs after he is finally quiet for the night... and did I mention he is 1 of 4. Yes, there are more of them. The sisters, the ones on either side of him age wise, are not like him. The Lord knew what I could handle lol!! They have their things definitely but the mood instability and constant dissatisfaction aren't one of them! There is the baby of the family. She seems to be VERY similar in spirit and behavior to her brother, and YES, that scares me. People try to wave it off like "oh she's just 3. Oh She's the baby." Ummm. I have 4. I've seen 3 in several different kinds of kids. Shoot, I worked in childcare over the summer. This may be a different bird. Only time will tell, but thank goodness we are learning NOW! Accidental early intervention! Ha!
So the real problem for the boy is that when we have to do other things...life things. Routine same thing we do every other day things, they get in the way of his goal. Can I just say that it thrills my mom heart that he can initiate, create, solve problems, stay on task, and press on to the very end of a goal!!! But the intensity and anger that comes are like detestable guests that seem to come along with all of that.
The hour of his waking and the loudness of his decent from his bunk bed used to be a pretty decent sign of the type of day he was going to have. We haven't seen as much of this since trying different meds, but this morning, at 5:10 I heard footsteps and singing, and when I went to check, 3 bright lights were all on... cue chest tightening anxiety. This mom had to remind herself that though this may be a clue to his day it does not HAVE to be an indication of it. This is going to be a reminder that I repeat in my head all day likely...
Sensory sidenote (this should probably be another post entirely): I saw some things yesterday that were like aha moments for me. The sensory input... the place where we HAVE to begin in order for him to thrive, it absolutely affects his ability to function in a healthy way! Its incorrect processing leaves him in a state of defensiveness... always on guard, never at rest. Anxious. BUT he hates to stop and address his sensory needs...in the moment that is. It always helps him, but he whines and complains (sometimes I think just to whine and complain). AND.... as much as I'm still trying to get used to the brushing, I can't find that darn thing! And it's been 2 days. I have of course ordered another, cause having 2 is ideal, but we have been trying to do at least deep touch massage or something for that input. --Did I mention that I struggle with executive functioning and memory issues as well?! Losing things is not that uncommon and though I DID designate a place for the brush in Son's sensory basket, it apparently did not get put back there, or he hid it which I don't think he did, but I wouldn't put it past him.--
On a final note, the importance of the sensory work helps me to see that more outdoor play will have to be in our future (pfft... gonna have to look a little further ahead as it is winter advisory in the forecast this weekend), but I have an amazing group of friends that we have dubbed The FRamily. They are our local hug. And we are their's I suppose. And when this renovation is done in a few weeks, I have plans to host them here, to feed them and love on them, and get their assistance piecing together an obstacle course zone in our back yard. Still thinking on it, but movable pieces would be great, especially if they are just heavy enough. He needs that heavy lifting, pulling, pushing. And boy does he need to work on his endurance and stamina. It will be amazing. I see only one draw back...he will want a friend. My super social boy rarely plays well alone.
Here's to a more even tempered day my friends, and a weekend to look forward to!
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