When the calm rolls in...

I haven't felt the urgency to blog for quite a few more days than usual!  This is both weird and great for this reason; I think it is a sign that I am less anxious.  If anyone else has been through this with their child AND then themselves, you kind of go through this thing.  I'll map it out for ya.

In the beginning there never was normal... at least not that you can really remember.  Your family's version of normal begins to wear on you.  What never really worked is getting worse and worse till there is a point where you look at your hubs and say, "Either he needs help or I do!"  And this will begin the stirring of the pot.  Please note that this is not a bad thing.  It will actually be a good thing in the long run, but change is uncomfortable.  And in the case of our neurology it can be sort of volatile for a while.  Our kids don't like change on a WHOLE other level.  So there is lash out.  If you are the mom or the primary care giver, you will be on the receiving end of most of it.  It's the blessing of closeness and safety that makes you the target.  

Things will get worse and moderately better and worse again.  And you will go through the cycle a bit as you try to find what works for your family!  But eventually you will find a sweet spot and you will dig in your heals.  I can't promise that you will get to stay in that one spot forever, but maybe you will get the blessing of finding a healthy place where everyone can smile and breathe a bit.  Maybe just maybe you can stay in that place for long enough that you regain hope and strength, maybe even rest!  I can't tell you how this progresses cause I haven't gone any further!  But I can shout with celebration that we have found our way to this sandbar!

My friend, a fantastic super strong swimmer, relayed this story from her child hood which all the while she likely didn't realize that I was replaying it in my mind on an entirely more metaphorical level!  She was enlightening my son (because he once had a bit of an obsession with sharks), that she had made dangerous contact with a shark merely by accident and had swam for her life after cutting her foot on a part of his front.  She had made it to a sand bar in the nick of time and was rescued by people on jet skis from there!  All I could think about was how, even though I knew we weren't to the shore yet, we were currently safely on a sand bar!

For that I can be grateful.  I can celebrate the small victories!  We didn't drown!  In August, we were actively drowning.  It was literally getting harder and harder for me to breathe and harder and harder to think logically or in a life saving manner, because I was running out of oxygen.  I was on the edge of panic.  In my head, my human brain and my animal brain were in a fight to the death.  That is not where I am now.  That is not where my son is today.  Today we are 3 days into planned behavior, self regulation, intentionality in his responses and actions!

When the calm rolls in, I spend less time here.  I'm enjoying the life I thought I would have.  But I wanted to come here and spread hope!  Hope that you too will find yourself to a sandbar! In the words of Dory the fish, Just keep swimming parent!  Just keep swimming.