Apparently I'm a toddler. This is what I've been reduced to. I think of all that I'm "supposed" to do and all I can think in my head is "NO." I mean, legitimately, you have to imagine it sounding just like a sassy quip that would fly out the mouth of a 3 year old in less than 1 second.
"I don't want to!" I have to do grown up things... things that fall somewhere between maintaining a household to self care. I mean, what is laundry anyway? Necessary. That's what it is... at least eventually. I need to brush my son. 5 times daily actually. This seems like nothing I'm sure, but to me it's 5 more things on my to-do list! 5 on a list I already NEVER complete (which I realize is a ridiculous goal anyway and likely not a true statement as Never is Never a good word to use)!
My to-do list grows...Keep a log. Log behaviors. Log mood swings, meltdowns, over dramatic or depressive speech (can't separate those yet). My own personal Dr. wanted me to log my blood pressure. Log my sons intrusive obsessive thoughts.
Yes, I realize I'm whining and in perspective I'm being ridiculous, but I'm to the point of legitimately feeling that meme that says, "What is it with these people? They act like I'm supposed to feed them 3 meals a day or something!" To be honest, when you don't feel like eating, you don't feel like cooking... and did I mention that we are renovating the entire main floor!
I'm a toddler... at least today I am. I'm not on the floor flailing, and I'm sort of proud to report that I haven't yelled today (kept a decent amount of cool actually), but in my head I am there. "No. I don't want to!" And then storm off to my room to be all alone in my jammies in my blanket fort. Heck I might even color!
Not adulting well today, but it happens. I have an amazing community that pitched in today to let me see about my own mental health today in peace. No little ones in tow... Let me reiterate. No. little. loves. with me. I was ALONE! Holy Hallelujah! I literally jokingly told the Dr. he was welcome to see some more patients before me so that I could just enjoy the quiet! But alas, kids needed feeding again and picking up. And so it goes.
The Dr. surprised me. He's not my favorite. We don't always agree. He literally stated that the only tools he has for depression and anxiety are meds... And all I could think of was Why? No nutrition? No exercise suggestion? No question about my support system? my sleep habits? Methods I use for escape currently? Respite care or sitter services? No form of psychotherapy? Yeah. OK. But this wasn't a huge surprise. This is what I expected and I was there for it. I was ready.
He's had me take the test before... you know the ipad quiz that seems like one of those super short Facebook things that will tell you what kind of person you are!! Heaven help us. It was sort of silly and tricky. I needed an in between bubble on a whole bunch of them, so I did my best.
He did 1 thing for me that was exactly what I needed. No it wasn't the meds. He validated my feelings and the place where I have been residing emotionally as of late. He acknowledged it. Said that it was actually quite common, and that he actually sees how stellar most women are and didn't think he could do all that we do. Ummmm wasn't expecting that! But you know... he's right and he doesn't even know the half of what I do. Not even a half! That part makes me feel almost human. Almost not weird and guilty and insecure. (Yes guys... that last statement with those feelings that I often try to push aside and not accept are still there, and yes guys I'm aware they are lies).
I have started using this phrase, "I don't accept that." I started using it when my kids would treat me or bring me their personal "junk"especially when it's presented in anger and disrespect and literally has nothing to do with me, and I simply say, "You know what? I don't accept that. You may discuss it with me respectfully (or whatever applies here)." I don't know where it came from... Probably the Lord as I'm not much of a believer in coincidence. But I like it. And I think I'm going to start using it on myself. When "the feelings" or anxiety creep up and try to lie to me, I'm just going to say, "No. I don't accept that."
NOT TODAY... ;-) Click Below and enjoy
Not Today...
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