So, I was processing through my own emotional health in the midst of all this work we've been doing for my son... And I thought to myself "I'm just not a healthy person right now." But (yes I spoke right back to that silly self) then I took that thought captive and MADE it obedient unto Christ. You see in my faith, Christ and God the Father are the epitome of truth. And thus, Satan is the father of lies. So the trick is being able to recognize the lies and grab hold of them, squash them, and throw them away. Honestly, it's a self taught, scripture directed visualization I suppose. I imagine it like someone throwing a paper airplane into my office space and me, single handedly snatching it mid air, crumpling it, and throwing it in the waist bin!
So I pondered that thought a minute, because part of me believed it or at the very least understood the sentiment behind it. And then it hit me. Quite actually it IS untrue. "I am not a healthy person right now" became "I am such a healthy person that I realize I am not in a healthy place for me." Y'all. An unhealthy person would have difficulty seeing the intricacies of separation between one's person hood and the emotional struggle they are going through. An unhealthy person, would likely not be thinking of or concerned with their mental health and how it affects others. An unhealthy person would not be grabbing hold of the lies that we feed ourselves or allow others to feed to us, and they certainly wouldn't be turning them around and replacing them with truth.
So there. I'm healthy, and I fully realize that I have reached a place where some help by way of lifestyle health changes, therapy for myself, and/or meds would greatly benefit both me AND my family and other important relationships. That's a GREAT place to be. The knowing. The landing on a decision and setting a goal. As I discussed with my son's therapist yesterday, a healthy mom is ESSENTIAL to my son's progress. ESSENTIAL.
Here's the breakdown. When you have just one kid (so far that is) that requires more, OBVIOUSLY, it effects the whole family. THE WHOLE. I know this is no surprise to any of you that are in this space currently, but maybe for those of you that are still working it out, for those of you that are friends or family to those that are here, this is reality. Let's be real. If your family unit operates as it was designed, there is a beautiful harmony that should occur. When one part of the group is off, the whole is off. Granted, we can all find a new space and a new normal to operate within. Thank heavens we don't have to accept a standard of "normal" from anyone or anywhere, but can indeed establish that for ourselves. Just be aware that this takes time and work. It'd be lovely if you could throw a pile of puzzle pieces up in the air and have them fall right into place... lol!!!! But then you see what I'm saying.
Mom Guilt Multiplied: I DID put this in the title, because to be honest I have danced ALL around it even in the previous several paragraphs. You see, I fight guilt tooth and nail constantly and I can't find a single person or place that it comes from besides myself! (If I think about it long enough, I know that isn't entirely true.) But for the most part, the constant guilt battle comes from within. Sad right?! But here is my current ruminating guilty thought... I have to spend sooooooo much time with the one. And I love it! HARD work. But I love it. I LOVE learning. I love restoring and rebirthing things, so seeing it in a human, however LONG it takes is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! But I feel guilty for it. For not having as much for all the others... and y'all, I have 3 others! AND a husband.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm Princess Poppy from the movie Trolls. If you haven't seen it, it is delightful! But she is the lead character that NEVER GIVES UP. Hopeless Optimist. If she admits difficulty, defeat, etc, it is but for a moment and then she has already turned it around into something positive. This IS me. Seriously. I realize that some people find it annoying, but I think it's just difficult to understand simply because they are not that way. I'm saying this and I realize it seems random and out of left field, but I promise I'm coming back around to it! You see, I DO struggle with these thoughts that are guilty, untrue, etc. BUT I don't accept them, I allow them to fuel me. The best way to get me to work my hind end off at something is to tell me that I can't. Deep down I believe in myself... at least I think that's what's going on. Ha! So, this tinge of guilt... I see it smoldering off in the distance. I have thought about it and worried about it very little up to this point, but I can see it there, and I have a sense that if I don't do something directly about it, then it will grow. It being a new year this very day, I'm setting goals with every intention of smashing them, blowing them out of the water!
Though Executive Function is definitely my struggle as well, I'm determining and working toward setting an official schedule that allows each of my fantastic people time and attention with me regularly. As I'm still working on it, I don't have all the details worked out, but I'm thinking of a monthly intentional date with each other child. And a monthly date with my son and his dad. Date night is already a weekly occurrence thanks to a church event that ALL the kids attend weekly, but I would love an extended date night once a month in addition to that... I hate being boxed in by time constraints. It will all come to fruition, especially if I get to spend a moment working it out detail for detail on my work sneak away next weekend! I'm sure I'll keep you posted, but until then...
Breath in that peace... ever...so...slowly. Stop when it is nearest to you and let it rest there for 3 seconds and then consciously breathe out that guilt, stress, and lies. Do it again and again. As many times as is necessary. MY WORD FOR 2017 IS ENOUGH. Guys. We are enough. God didn't randomly select you for this child. There is purpose and intention (and sometimes it's also for our own personal growth). Happy New Year! Let's do this 2017!
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