Why

I was asked today by another mom in a waiting room, why do you come all the way here (We make a 2.5 hour drive each way weekly for my son's therapies)?  The woman was making a point, and if I sit with it long enough, I might feel turned off by her tone or delivery, but what I'm choosing to hear is, "Wow!  You are a serious mom.  Nothing will hold you back from doing what it takes!"  See what I did there?!  Ha!  Y'all, this time we live in is all about being offended.  And I see it.  My hair raises and my feathers ruffle.  But I get to choose.  And I choose to take her thoughts (that she may have spoken without forethought) and hear the rest.

The woman that was speaking had a child with a service dog for anxiety.  I definitely thought about the time and energy and planning and serious money that must have gone into that.  She spoke of her other children and their pseudo homeschool arrangement and ALL the sports!  And I thought more about what it must take to do her life!

We are crazy amazing!  Seriously!

We do it because we were blessed with these unique kids.  These kids that have a special or specific calling and they have to go through the challenges to prepare for their futures.  And at least with my child, I see that he WILL change the world around him.  He does it now without realizing.  He struggles, but he manages.  Sometimes not very well, but that's where we come in.  And regardless of whether we think we have anything left to give... we find it.  We dig deep and we find it.

Yeah.  I've been on the edge of broken before, and I feel certain I'll be there again.  Certain.  But everytime I get there, this thing happens.  I find that I went further than the time before and I still didn't break.  Now I'm not saying that we should keep testing that!!! LOL! No.  Seriously.  It's VERY uncomfortable for me to go there and it affects my whole family.  So, we put things in place to try to reroute that part of our journey, but we also prepare ourselves for the reality that we will get there again and we will have to deal.

Today I deal.  It's therapy day.  3 appts today.  Little man has gained a decent amount of weight for a short time.  He was royally thin anyway, so I'm not seeing it as a big deal...yet.  But again, eyes wide open... and side effects. sigh.  I really wish they were avoidable (and I hope this symptom is not my own side effect as I start my journey on SSRI's).  Ugh.  Nothing says self confidence to a middle aged woman like gaining unnecessary weight!  But today I deal.

I wake up at 5:30am.  I make sure every lunch is packed and bags are ready for school.  Clothes are laid out for when they wake.  I get myself put together, grab all our bags and wake my son.  Nope.  The sun hasn't risen yet, but we have to head out across state lines for therapy appts today.  People are all lined up to pick kids up and take them various places, cause I won't get back till they are all finished with their respective schools.  We brave traffic that is far worse than usual.  We are late, but our awesome Psychiatrist is always so kind to work with us!  We are then late to OT which is across town.  I try not to think about or be disappointed by the fact that we have to up the meds that royally sedated sweet boy last time.  It's not like I thought it was working out at that dose... sigh.  Hate the meds game, but y'all already know that.

"The stars aligned" as the OT put it (you know what I think ;-) I don't think much of coincidence).  She was late and so were we and there was still enough break to not be late to Psychotherapy!  We even had fun tossing tennis balls for awhile.  We noted scientific observations about them and how the elements effect their bouncing abilities and their weight among other things.  Son's session was his best yet supposedly.  Seems as though he's willing to be more honest and open.  Y'all he's really struggling.  Really.  Like room starting to look a bit like a hoarder episode with cardboard boxes and tape and scissors everywhere.  I love creativity... It's hard for me to discourage his activity with a mind at work like that, but it's not a healthy mind working it's a mind on speed and it's actually harming him. Sigh again.

And this is the subject of the current battle.  Me having to be the voice of reason as he makes decisions that are good for him.  Yes, he get's mad when I won't let him make any more gaming machines.  Yes he's angry when he can't take boxes out of the trash and bring them home (to make more gaming devices)!  He's not kind.  His self control could be worse, but it could be better!  So we get the privilege of disciplining every disrespectful outburst however large or small to catch it quick and early and shut that behavior down.  Why do I fight these battles?  Love.  He doesn't understand it that way... but Love none the less.  It is my why.