Fighting the need for Speed

One of daughter's teachers used to tell the kids, "This is not Burger King.  You can't have your way right away!"  And though that was a solid 8 years ago, I think of that idea often.

We all prefer our way.  Even as an adult when I really want something a certain way... I mean when I REEEEEAAAAALLLLYYY want something a certain way, I am going to find a way to make it happen for myself.  I don't like no.  I have a desperate neeeeed to have things that certain way--my way.  So, the acting out that my son pulls that most often comes from things not going his way or me not allowing him to have his own way, is understandable.  I don't accept it.  It is not acceptable, but understandable.

What I want is for my son's therapies, for those magic medicine's, all the hard work and brain training to fix him.  To make him a version of himself void of constant barrage of negative thoughts and self loathing.  I want it to work and I want it to hurry up and work now.  We have poured ourselves out for years before all this.  And this new portion of our journey... well each week feels like a month in itself!  I'm fighting the need to speed this along.

These things can't be rushed.  I can not MAKE his pre-frontal cortex develop faster.  It can't be done and I just have to accept that.  I'm not sure I can.  Not at this moment.  Maybe I'll get there, or maybe by the time I get there I will no longer need things to hurry along.  Maybe.  There's a reason for this and it's serious and not pretty.

Here is the reason:
       
             Some days feel like abuse.  Like some form of torture test.  How much of a mom are you?  How much can you take?  Can you take these ugly words directed at you?  Can you handle a halting of your tasks repeatedly all day?  Can you handle Love and hatred in the same breath?  Can you trust after you've been beaten up emotionally?  Should you?  If I were in an adult relationship with someone like this, I would have left that person LONG ago.  But this is my child.  If I don't work to help mold and shape him, who will?  There are days that feel like I haven't slept and have been working a giant trauma in an ER somewhere single handedly!  (Too many med dramas? ha!)  Or in the trenches with no reprieve for so many hours, that I'm not sure what day it is.  My stress hormone is on overload and I need to escape to regroup and come up with a new strategy, refuel and re-energize.

I don't know a soul that wouldn't wish to the good lord for it all to hurry up and be better, be over, if they were under constant barrage!  Seriously.  Thank heavens we can take a lot more than we think we can!  Thank goodness for hope and Christ and a future.  I promise I couldn't do it without all that.  Or at least I wouldn't want to!

Y'all.  I need prayer.  Finding the good in all the things is hard!  I can't tell you how many times people say, "cherish this time, it'll be gone in the blink of an eye!" And I'm am in my mind's eye doing the tambourine church lady dance in my head hollering hallelujah!  You mean it will end?  Eventually?!  And then comes the mom guilt where I'm thinking, "If this madness makes me feel this way, how much more does he feel?"  Then the determination comes back, the fight, the pure grit.

Here begins the cycle again.  Hunkerdown.  Get ready for the next one.  Press forward.  And take that step against all odds.  Grieve.  Again.  Hunkerdown.  Get ready for the next one.  Press forward and take another step against all odds.  Grieve again...  I hope it gets easier.  legitimately I hope.  I'm not there yet.  It is in no way easier.  Maybe more difficult cause nothing is familiar or comfortable... cause you can't just pretend there's nothing going on.  Nope.  Not in the easy stage right now, but I'm still standing mamas!  And so can you.  I'm tattered and battered and weary no doubt, but I'm still standing and pushing that one foot in front of the other, pushing toward hope and progress no matter how hard his issues push back.