I was pondering through the idea that I am very optimistic and my blog writings will tend to be that way. I also ponder a bit like a blog in my head through out the day especially if I'm allowed any silence at all and/or am doing a mindless task. The blog posts that never make it out of my head and basically end up on the proverbial cutting floor are the ones that are pretty real... almost too real. Ugly words full of complaining, exhausted woman REAL.
Sadly, the internet tends to be a place where in we only show the best of ourselves and our lives and while I don't find this innately wrong on all counts, sometimes the readers can become easily disillusioned. Part of my purpose in writing the blog at all was to allow you some space of real. To know that you aren't alone. Though it is so ingrained in me to find the positive in EVERY thing life throws at us, I promise to sometimes just let the junk be junk. LOL! I'm saying I'll try.
That said, I have high hopes for 2017. We've already begun rolling the ball of change. Right now it feels overwhelming, like it's a giant rock boulder and I'm Indiana Jones running for my life... but it's rolling none the less. I hope for growth and progress. I am too scared to hope for Peace though I long for it desperately. I think my brain won't let my heart hope for it yet, knowing that typically when you are in a process of refining there is a heck of alot of fire among other things.
Think blacksmith. Think of the degree of heat they have to use to melt metal. Think of the caution and care they have to use. Can't get too hot or it won't mold properly. Has to get hot enough for the same reason. Then comes the beating. Once the metal is hot enough it is beaten and prodded into a better shape. Dear heavens that is real. And that is scary.
Speaking of scary. My mom heart has been struggling over something my son's therapist relayed about his own personal experience as a person growing up with the same neurology as my son. He spoke just a smidge of his journey through drugs and alcohol and sobriety... and I think I was supposed to be glad and hopeful, but I was scared. My mom heart saw the other side and longed desperately to intercede and save my son from that kind of life struggle. But my mom head knows that my son will go through whatever he needs to in order to become the boy that God wants him to. And it isn't always pretty.
Am I willing to let him go through the fire to get to the refining?
I think of the stories in the Bible involving sons... specifically Abraham and Isaac. That long awaited promised son! And there he was almost sacrificed atop of a mountain. What faith. What sheer terror. Quite difficult for me to think about actually. And of course Jesus, the son of God, being crucified unjustly, but for MY sin. Well for all of our sins. And the curse is broken and no more! But what a process of horror. Am I willing as a mom to endure it along side the one I love?!
Honestly I'm praying for healing and ease and comfort. But in my head, I know that life brings challenges and I WILL walk them with my children as much as a mom can or should. And it will change me too. And to be honest... it's not a thought I love. I understand it, but I'm not really a fan.
But moms are probably the fiercest of creatures. When I long to lay in bed for days on end, I drag my tired self to the coffee pot and try to sneak in the quiet moments. Then I just get up and get it done! Get it done mommas!
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